I can’t be the only one who’s surprised the price is so low. BuzzFeed was all sarcastic like “blah blah blah look at least there’s free shipping LOLZZ”, so it’s obvious those dorks just don’t understand. I grew up on Nickelodeon. Probably moreso than by my own parents. This is the mother fucking AGGRO CRAG. Fifteen hundred bucks? Whoever won is just lucky I’m a broke blogger and not a moderate income blogger or this thing would be on its way to my apartment as we speak.

One of my greatest regrets ever was not getting on Guts (more specifically Global Guts — always wanted to destroy some Frenchie on our turf). Every time I saw some scrawny chick get confused during slam-a-jamma or completely fail at climbing the crag, my little middle school heart died a bit inside. I would’ve fucking destroyed those kids. Plus Mike O’Malley? PLUS my name is MO?  Fuck outta here.

The gf didn’t understand my draw to this eBay listing but she grew up in some freakshow house with no cable TV. Any chick who spent their childhood watching Nick during this time period and saw a lighted-up neon piece of the aggro crag on your table would just blow you immediately. Like it wouldn’t even be a discussion. Aggro crag = headpiece. Panties just melt off her body at the sight of this thing.

Get me this fake rock!