Oscar Pistorius’ statement (as read by lawyer) -

I fail to understand how I could be charged with murder, let alone premeditated murder because I had no intention to kill. I had no intention to kill my girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. I have been informed I have been accused of murder—I deny the accusation. Nothing can be further from the truth that I planned the murder of my girlfriend.

On [February 13] Reeva would have gone out with her friends, me with mine. She wanted to stay at home. I was watching TV. My legs were off. She was doing yoga. At the end of the evening we got into bed.

I’m acutely aware of people gaining entries to homes to commit crime, I’ve received death threats. I sleep with my 9mm under my bed. I woke up to close the sliding door and heard a noise in the bathroom. I was scared and didn’t switch on the light. I got my gun and moved towards the bathroom. I screamed at the intruder because I did not have my legs on I felt vulnerable. I fired shots through the bathroom door and told Reeva to call police.

I walked back to the bed and realized Reeva was not in bed. Then it dawned on me it could be her in there. I kicked the door open. Called paramedics and complex security. I tried to carry her downstairs for help. I tried to help her but she died in my arms. With the benefit of hindsight I realize that Reeva went to the bathroom when I went to close the balcony door.

WHOA WHOA WHOA chill your blades one second, Oscar. “Kicked the door open”? After you admitted to being scared and vulnerable because you didn’t have your legs on? Few things I know for sure: 2+2=4, legless dudes can’t kick down doors, and you’re 100% undeniably full of shit.

“Walked back to the bed” — Jesus man at least TRY. You’re on trial for murder here, this isn’t a game like those Olympic Games you failed so spectacularly at over the summer. “Kicked the door open” is like a blind murderer saying “Then I looked over and saw the killer run away.” Better spend some time with the legal team and revise this rocky story ASAP because right now it looks like you’re a jury of any 12 mentally capable people away from doing hard time in crippled jail.