August 2, 2012 – “Any Team That Goes After Josh Hamilton In The Offseason Might As Well Take A Shit On And Burn $150 Million”
There was an interesting theoretical debate early in the season in Philadelphia when Josh Hamilton was slinging super tattoo’d dick and putting up MVP numbers, again. Should the Phillies let Victorino and Cole walk and use that money to sign Hamilton? Now, of course, that argument is moot. Victorino is gone, Cole is signed, and Hamilton is going through a month slump of epic proportions as his July batting average is only .145. Still though, Hamilton has 29 dingers and 82 RBIS with about 2 months left in the season. Somebody is going to pay the man big bucks even though he’s one Mike’s Hard Lemonade away from having an orgy in a bar bathroom with 5 chicks, 2 dudes and a goat then waking up in Mexico. There’s no doubt that he’s one of the most talented and gifted ball players of all-time. Dude’s got all the tools to be a first ballot Hall of Famer. However, teams should think twice about signing him to a megadeal. Why? Check out this batshit spiritual quote Hamilton gave as he says he’s going through some serious problems that he hasn’t shared yet:
“When the time is right, I’ll be honest with you, you’ll be right in the loop,” Hamilton said, according to the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. “I’ve been shown a lot of things over the past week. There’s disobedience and there’s obedience to God. I’ve been being disobedient. It may be a small thing to you, but it’s a big thing to him. There’s consequences. It’s like a father and a kid. There are disciplines. You guys can chew on that and think about it.”
What the shit? Chew on this, Josh. You’re in the big leagues. Someone is paying you tens of millions of dollars to perform and you’re lucky you’re allowed to have a personal life to fuck up. People are speculating that Hamilton has either relapsed or is going through a divorce. You know who else goes through a divorce and/or had an addiction? Over 50% of people in America. And they have to deal with their shitty lives and jobs everyday. You play baseball for a living. Don’t pull out the ‘God is punishing me’ card. Bulldick. You know whose fault it is that I became a broke blogger for a living and contribute next to nothing for society? Mine. Not God’s. Take some responsibility.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like my athletes to have a little crazy in them. But God/spiritual crazy is a whole different type of batshit. Just look what it’s doing to Tim Thomas. Ricky Williams got the spiritual shit in him and he ended up in India teaching yoga and fucking tigers for a couple years during the prime of his career. Yes, Hamilton is looking to God to stay sober, but this isn’t going to end well for him or the team that signs him. He obviously can’t deal with his personal problems and they have always affected his profession, and they always will.
The only solution for Texas: Lock Hamilton in a windowless room with 10 fifths of Jack, 10 cases of Bud heavy, an Alpha-Male gorilla and 10 women armed only with mace and gonorrhea for 36 hours. If he dies, he dies. If he comes out alive, he’s cured and will hit .500 the rest of the season. Burning while pissing can only do good for this man.
[Editor's note: every time I see this picture it just looks like a blurry badass version of kmarko to me]