menshealthWe peered through a statistical peephole to tabulate the following criteria: the number of DVDs purchased, rented, or streamed (; adult entertainment stores per city (; rate of porn searches (Google Insights); and, for fans of soft-core, percentage of Cinemax-subscribing households (SimplyMap). Not only were Orlando folks the randiest residents, but Florida was also the most salacious state.

Where you at, New York and Boston? I’m over here thinking New York City is filled with debauchery, sex shops, and constantly horny flaming gays, and you frauds can’t even crack the top 75. PITTSBURGH is smuttier than you, and they don’t even allow women under 250lbs to enter that city. And Boston, I figured the Barstool Sports name alone would boost you up the Smut charts.  Guess I figured wrong. Just two loudmouth smut shit-talkers without the dildo shops and porn Googling to back it up.

I do have a slight beef with these rankings, though. Searching for porn on Google isn’t the best way to determine who is really abusing internet smut. Real pros aren’t Googling their porn, they know EXACTLY where to do already. They’re already well-versed in Pornhub, Redtube, and all of their pussy-pounding subsidiaries. Googling “titties” is a rookie move that’s gonna produce minimal desired outcome. C’mon, Men’s Health. Ya’ll should know better.