Being an Eagles fan has to be the hardest fanhood to maintain in the NFL. Without question. Yes, harder than the Browns, Jaguars, Raiders, and other long-term bottom-feeding fan bases. At least those fans don’t have expectations. At least those fans don’t have quarterbacks labeling themselves the “Dream Team” or a “Dynasty”. At least those fans don’t have to live in an area where literally everybody — men, women, children, pets, wild animals — is depressed because of the football team. Being a Jets fan harder than being an Eagles fan now? Please.
There’s literally nobody to like on the Eagles. As Birds fans we’re forced to cheer on a team filled with guys we hate, led by coaches we absolutely loathe, and headed by a man more concerned with putting giant fugly wind turbines on the roof of our stadium than a watchable product on the field. At least Jets fans have the opportunity to like Tebow as a PERSON. Seriously — look at our team. Who do you like on this team? Michael Vick the guy who tortured dogs and turned the ball over 20 times a game? DeSean Jackson the me-first receiver who wears Lakers gear to Sixers games and is more about his sad record label than going over the middle? Jeremy Maclin? Jeremy Maclin has literally never spoken since hes been on the team. At the start of the year there were at least a handful of guys to support, but after Jason Avant and Trent Cole lost their football powers we’re down to LeSean McCoy who’s awesome but never gets the ball, Jason Kelce the humorous offensive lineman with the torn ACL/MCL, and our long snapper with the hot wife who does magic.
And let’s talk about the coaches. At the very LEAST Rex Ryan is entertaining. Surely being a Jets fan is hard since you have to deal with his overly-extroverted loudmouth bravado not delivering on guarantees and looking like an asshole on Sportscenter every week. But you know who looks like an even bigger asshole than the guy calling out Belichick and telling his guys to eat a goddamned snack? The overweight Mormon who hasn’t given any explanation further than “I’ve gotta do a better job” since 1999. Seriously, this man has looked us in the face for 14 straight years and all his only reason for ever losing is “gotta do a better job”. It’s infuriating. What the fuck does that even mean? Is there some super-secret football formula that he has been tinkering with for the last decade and a half that’s SO CLOSE to being perfect but every time he somehow pours in too much pass play and whoops we lose at home to the Carolina Panthers? Because something tells me whether Andy does a good job or not this team is ass and will still get blown out by any group of conscious humans on the other side.
Oh, and right, and WE’VE NEVER WON A SUPER BOWL. Ever. I know the Jets haven’t won one since like 1849 when Broadway Joe was slangin the rock and banging flappers in New York speakeasies, but at least your team has one on the shelf. Our cupboard is bare. Besides all those titles in the 50′s that stopped counting after the Super Bowl was invented, there are only two NFC Championship trophies and dust in there now. Brought to us by (arguably) the two greatest quarterbacks in our franchise’s history: RON JAWORSKI and DONOVAN MCNABB. That’s right, the greatest QB our team has ever known is a guy we HATE who barfed up our chance at a Super Bowl, consistently ridicules us, and once wore these pants:
PS – Our rival — who we’ve beaten 8 of 9 times — has two Super Bowls in 5 years.
PPS – We have to play RGIII twice a year for the next decade.
PPPS – Nnamdi.