theatlanticIn the last few years, they had seen several cases of male prisoners with skin infections on their genitals. These infections were a consequence of foreign bodies having been inserted under the skin of the penis. … Her team’s survey, which is the foundation of a recent study published in Plos One, found that almost 6 percent of male prisoners in correctional facilities in Queensland and New South Wales had a penile implant. … previous literature on the topic which suggests that these types of penile implants are intended to make the bearer more memorable to their sexual partner, to pledge allegiance to a gang or–more disturbingly–to inflict pain during sex. Some of the objects that have been inserted under the penile skin include beads made from melted toothpaste caps, buttons, dice, and deodorant roller balls. And the implants themselves have a variety of names, such as pearls, Yakuza beads, penile inserts, penile marbles, and speed bumps. One of the men, a 25-year-old from a Texan prison, placed a heart carved out of a domino through an incision into his mid-dorsal foreskin that he made with the tip of a ballpoint pen. “Clearly since they don’t have access to sterilized scalpel blades, or even disposable scalpel blades, there’s got to be a risk, as a minimum, of local wound infection,” said Donovan. “They also wouldn’t have access to suture materials, so they would probably tape it [the wound] over with sticky tape or something.”

“Speed bumps” is a phrase that sticks with you. Kind of like the first time I heard Chris Rock explain what tossing salad meant. Speed bumps.

Obviously prison just got 50% more frightening than it was yesterday. Instead of merely getting beaten, emasculated, and eventually plugged in the dirthole, today’s prisoners are getting beaten, emasculated, and plugged in the dirthole by an angry gay rapist with a penis full of crudely-carved dice and poorly-tended open sores. The odds of you getting AIDS from a ripped-up butt just jumped exponentially.

Not saying that I blame these guys for even having the idea — I don’t. If I were a psychotic prison rapist and my main goal in life was to punish fresh fish on the line, why would’t I get crazy penis surgeries to increase my enjoyment? It’s like putting a spoiler on the back of your car. Dick dice and maybe a few melted toothpaste caps to look like the shape of a skull? Sew ‘em in. Those are the speed bumps of a jailhouse Alpha.