kptvRep. Mitch Greenlick, from Portland, is sponsoring a bill that makes cigarettes a Schedule III controlled substance, meaning it would be illegal to possess or distribute cigarettes without a doctor’s prescription. Under the proposal, offenders would face maximum punishments of one year in prison, a $6,250 fine or both. Other drugs and substances that are considered Schedule III controlled substances are ketamine, lysergic acid and anabolic steroids. “The State Board of Pharmacy may adopt rules placing requirements and limitations on the sale or transfer of products containing nicotine,” the bill’s text says. “I think it’s pretty crazy,” said Juan Silva of Salem. “I don’t see it going through. It’s going to be something to watch for, but I don’t think it’ll pass.” Others see the proposal differently. “I hope it passes and I hope people actually think about it,” said Rick Cannon of Salem. “You know there’s less and less smokers everyday because they know how bad it is for them, so I just hope people wake up and realize how bad it actually is for them.”

Rep. Greenlick just happens to be “out of town” after he proposes the most absurd bill in America? Very convenient. Especially since we live in a world with cell phones and wifi and a billion other ways to answer questions regarding your insane policies. “Out of town” doesn’t work anymore, asshole. If you’re gonna waste time and taxpayer money coming up with bills that can’t pass, you gotta stand there and take the bullets.

“As bad as heroin”? Bro — have you ever seen someone who had a heroin addiction? I’ve seen Trainspotting at least 1 1/2 times so trust me when I say heroin and nicotine are not the same. And how would you know, anyhow? You live in fucking OREGON where all of your constitutes are riding fluorescent green Nike fixie bikes made of hemp and are cut off from the realities of other lower-class Americans. Heroin and cigarettes are not the same.

Actually, there’s a part of me that wants to see the aftermath of this nonsense. Go for it, Greenlick. I’d give it three months before the law is changed due to dozens of Portland hipsters getting knifed for their American Spirits.