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Yo Mo,

Pretty sure you’re wanted in this shooting. Your cover up blog makes more sense now.


Look at those traps. Getting kinda big, maurice.

Nick, I’d love to sit here and claim that you’re way off base but I guess I can see what you’re looking at. If I throw on a (wrinkly) grey hoodie, pixelate the picture, and shadow-ize my face I guess I do kinda look like the non-shooting half of this trigger-happy Sixers fan duo. Both of us got the wide nose breathing up all the white man’s air, both kinda skinny, both looking to our right. There are similarities. But here’s the thing — I could never be a criminal. Too conspicuous.

For starters I’m 6’6″, dude in the video is 6′ MAX. Doesn’t seem like a huge difference, but I know how close I am to the ceiling of the El and it’s much closer than this guy. Being too tall for crime is a fact that has haunted me for years. Do you know how sad it is to watch Oceans 11 and know that you could never ever do anything like that? Security camera would show me for a split second and it’d be “oh yeah that’s the tall guy who checked in yesterday. Room 308.” Sucks. An average height person with a wooden leg, eye patch, and tourettes could hide better in a crowd than I can.

Close…but that ain’t me. Complexion’s all wrong. Plus Mr. Assistant Shooter here looks way more like a short Kevin Durant than me anyway.