America — relax.

It shouldn’t even be possible for us to still bicker over petty partisan differences when we live in a country where Stone Cold E.T. exists. It doesn’t matter. Nobody can touch us now. The Chinese? Too busy counting money with their fancy math skills to learn how to be creative. Al Qaeda? Too busy rioting over Youtube to actually watch it. North Korea? They don’t even have enough E.T. Laserdiscs to pass around. None of our haters are a threat.

Let’s just get Stone Cold E.T. a sitcom or a reality show or a spot on the NFL Network and let the rest of the world worry about their problems. We got ours covered.

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