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Is there a correlation between penis length and shoe size?

Maybe. Urologists at an English hospital in 2002 measured the length of 104 men’s penises and recorded their shoe sizes, finding no statistically significant correlation between the two. The study was an instant hit, and several websites declared the penis length–shoe size myth officially debunked. The Explainer, however, isn’t entirely convinced. A 1993 study observed a relationship between shoe size and penis length, albeit a weak one. A couple of other studies documented correlations between penis length and other body measurements. Turkish researchers in 2011 found that height, weight, and body mass index values all correlated with penis size. The same year that the English study claimed to bust the shoe-size myth, Greek urologists observed a relationship between penis length and the length of one’s index finger. If the size of other body parts correlates with penis length, it would be surprising if shoe size did not. (Tall people with big hands, after all, are likely to have big feet.)

The difficulty in these studies is finding an accurate, reliable method for measuring a penis. … These variations, however, are insignificant compared with the way a penis shrinks and lengthens in response to temperature changes, physical activity, touch, and mental state. According to the aforementioned Turkish study, simply stretching out a flaccid penis changes its length by more than 30 percent.

The ideal in the shoe-size-correlation studies would be to measure a fully erect penis, but that’s not feasible. As an alternative, most researchers stretch the non-erect penis before measuring its length. Even though this technique prevails among urologists, it turns out there is more than one way to stretch a penis. … The length of an object at full stretch depends on how hard you pull on it. Different urologists may have their own views on how much force can be comfortably applied to the flaccid penis of a volunteer study participant.

So the conclusion of this study is that the original study claiming no association between shoe size and penis length is false and that there is probably a link between shoe size and index finger length, only that none of it can be proven because there is no uniform method for measuring penises. This, Science, is where you lose the respect of the people.

If you don’t have a uniform standard for dick measurement — create one! Not that hard, much like the penises you’re currently incorrectly measuring. Science didn’t have a way to measure how hot things were before they created the degree. Get to work on some international rules of penis measurement. Here, I’ll help you start:

1. First of all the claim that measuring an erect penis is “not feasible” is stupid. What’s “not feasible” about it? Get a fluffer and some porn in there and let’s make some erect dicks!

2. All measurements have to be taken at the base of the penis. No pressing a ruler into their body and trying to add extra fake internal-penis centimeters.

3. Centimeters — yeah, maybe go with centimeters instead of inches. Personally I’m very much against ‘Murica using too much metric system, but bigger numbers are good for self-esteem.

That’s just a start; you clowns can take the wheel from here. Now get to it, Science. You should already be on finger enlargement surgeries by now.