What? They didn’t have the helmet with the flames and mirrored visor? Maybe you can just paint some vicious teeth on the mask like a goalie before training camp starts. You’re getting close I can feel it.

I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re just glad you solved all those protection problems with your last helmet. It’s a wonder you survived the year playing with all those holes. ¬†Everybody knows how those tiny little offensive lineman fingers can slip right through and scratch your face up. ¬†Kudos to you for staying one step ahead.

Seriously, this isn’t the Mutant League. ¬†Just play some fucking football, guy.