First off, I DO NOT want a coach in here who has already won a Super Bowl. You think I’m nuts? Think about it, has there been a Super Bowl winning coach in the past 20 years who has come back to the game and done dick? Didn’t think so. Vermeil, Gibbs, Ditka, Shannahan and even Parcells, whom I regard as one of the greatest coaches of all-time, couldn’t come back with another team and do anything special with them. So everybody who is riding Bill Cowher’s, Brian Billick’s and Jon Gruden’s nuts need to step back and relax. These coaches come in with way too much power, ego and entitlement to produce a winner again. They lost their fire.
Everyone in the Philly area wants to give Jon Gruden a cheesesteak and a handy. Let me say this: Gruden would be a HUGE mistake. Late ’90′s Gruden, absolutely not. That guy was a young, smart genius that would melt your face off if you didn’t run off the field let alone play hard. The Gruden of today up in the booth getting fluffed before broadcasts than in turn verbally ejaculating everyone on the field during the game, from the MVP candidates to the ball boys, is not coaching material. And people forget that Gruden’s record as a coach is skewed. He took over an Oakland team that was already established with great veterans like Rich Gannon and Tim Brown. A team that after he left Bill dickless Callahan who can’t even hold a college job now took to the Super Bowl. Then there’s the obvious of when he won with Dungy’s already established team, but you remember what happened after that? 6 straight years of mediocrity. 6 YEARS! Sorry, Chucky, but you’ll be ok at the University of Tennessee where 19-year-old tits will permanently turn that frown upside down.
Is there any former head coaches who didn’t win one out there who we can take a chance on? I wouldn’t mind it. Seemed to have worked out ok for the Pats. Everyone deserves a second chance, but it’s gotta be the right guy. Can’t bring a Dick Jauron, Wade Phillips or Marty Shittenheimr in here and expect to win a Super Bowl. Of the coaches out there who I think would be decent to bring in are pretty few though. I actually wouldn’t mind Josh McDaniels. Kid’s obviously a football genius, but can he handle the locker room and get respect? After pissing on Jay Cutler and getting curbstomped by Brandon Marshall’s dick in Denver, I don’t know if he can. Mike Nolan is another guy who didn’t do too well in his first go round with the 49ers but who I think is a very above average football mind. Mike Sherman? Too old. Mike Singletary? Triple fuck no. Ray Rhodes? Think he’s run out of speeches about teams coming in to rape your wife to take on a new job.
I would stay away from college, too. Yes, Jim Harbaugh is slinging dick in SF, but he is the minority. That fraud Pete Carroll won’t last up in Seattle for too much longer. Nick Saben and Bobby Petrino both went down in embarrassing flames for the Dolphins and Falcons. Remember what Spurrier did for the Redskins? Yeah, me neiter. Chip Kelly is the only coach seemingly worthy of jumping to the NFL next year, and I wouldn’t touch him with the crusty dick of Wilt the Stilt. That spread offense is doomed to fail at the pro level.
So…what’s left? What we need is a young, smart, up and coming coach who has something to prove. Someone who has more fire in his nuts than an Alpha-Male gorilla with gonorrhea. Someone who can come in here and give this city some inspiration and life. Someone like Andy Reid when he first got to this organization where he was hungry for not only rotisserie but for winning. Big Red had some hair on his nuts and something to prove coming in as an unknown QB’s coach from the Packers. And that seems to be the way to go now in the NFL, hire the right, under the radar guy with dedication needed to succeed. I hate the Steelers with every fiber of my being, but dammit do I respect the fuck out of Mike Tomlin. Before Pitt? Just a young DC for a mediocre Vikings defense. But he had the fire. John Harbaugh was the fucking special teams coach for 30 years for the Eagles for christ sake before he took over the secondary for 1 year then got the job for the Ravens. Mike Smith was a coordinator for years before he got a shot with the Falcons and even Joe Philbin is doing a decent job turning around that talentless piece of whale sac team known as the Dolphins. There are people out there who can come in and actually do a better job, but it’s a matter of finding the ones who have the fire in their nuts to succeed. I’m not going to toss out names because honestly I don’t know who is the linebackers coach of the 49ers or the QB’s coach of the Packers, but if it’s someone like them who ultimately comes in here but still has the knowledge and passion but is essentially a no-name, I’ll take it.
PS – Oh, and we need to get rid of Howie as GM and bring in the person directly below Ozzie Newsome. I don’t care if it’s a mentally retarded chimp who only communicates through rubbing penut butter on its balls, it’s still the best option right now.
[Editor's Note: reports surfaced today that Howie Rosemen has already met with Chip Kelly]