The Eagles, whose strategy this coach-searching season resembles the poise and understanding of a blindfolded dog being thrown from an airplane, felt That Little Girl Running Back’s natural football instincts and undeniable cuteness would be a much-needed change of pace from former coach Andy Reid’s much-maligned pass-first offense.
“I was on a Wheaties box,” said an unprovoked That Little Girl Running Back. “The man with the gray hair was scary. His little friend talked fast. He kept writing bigger and bigger numbers on napkins and giving them to me. I don’t like it here.”
“The meeting went well,” said Eagles GM Howie Roseman through dead, emotionless eyes. “We may be approaching a tentative agreement in the coming weeks…or months. Three to six months max. We only have an additional 40 interviews here and then we’ll get moving along to the next round.”
Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie mirrored Roseman’s optimism and is said to also be very satisfied with the team’s conversation with That Little Girl Running Back. “Lots of positive takeaways today. But then again, we are in no way going to rush into any decisions. Especially not until we talk to a few more candidates.”
When pressed for specific names, Lurie shrugged before making several fart noises with his mouth. “Shit, I dunno. Maybe the guy who coaches Texas A&M. Maybe the guy from Rutgers. There’s a special teams coordinator from the community college near my lake house I’d like to take a look at.”
“Heard they had a pretty good year.”