DMThe self-proclaimed ‘America’s Toughest Sheriff’ is joining forces this weekend with action movie star Steven Seagal to train volunteer armed posse members to defend Phoenix-area schools against gunmen. Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio announced the controversial plan in the wake of the December Newtown, Conn., school shooting that left 27 people dead, including the gunman and 20 first-graders. The exercise is planned for Saturday at a closed school site in suburban Fountain Hills outside Phoenix where sheriff’s SWAT members will act as shooters and 25 teenagers will play the part of students during mock scenarios involving up to three gunmen. Seagal, best known for his roles in movies such as Above the Law and Under Siege, will lead training on hand-to-hand defense tactics, among other techniques, drawing from his expertise in martial arts, according to a sheriff’s office news release. When faced with criticism in January about the school posse plan, Arpaio snapped back: ‘Why would people complain about my posse being in front of schools to act as prevention?’

Everybody loves poking fun of Steven Seagal because he’s fat and dresses like a karate Native American and has Chinese knockoff-quality Cabbage Patch doll hair plugs, yet if any of these people were trapped in a cage with him 99% of them would end up Seagal-sized boot marks inside their asshole. This isn’t some Tiger Schulmann’s guy beating up 11 year-olds on his way to earning a yellow belt — this is a trained killer. A 7th degree black belt with 7 kids and 3 ex-wives and the patience to film a feature-length movie with walking crack rock DMX. I’m not too keen on this Grumpy Cat Meme-faced sheriff, but there’s no doubt he and Seagal can handle training a few soccer dads how to secure a cafeteria.

What kind of anti-patriotic traitor wouldn’t want a crew of Steven Seagal-trained killers protecting their elementary school children, anyhow? If the thought of half a dozen potbellied retirees in USA flag bald eagle t-shirts doing sloppy tai chi with pistols in their hand doesn’t bring a smile to your face — it’s probably time you move to Canada.