nbcPhiladelphia is one of the least healthiest cities in the country, according to Women’s Health Magazine. In the magazine’s yearly rankings, the City of Brotherly Love is slated 99th out of the top 100 healthiest cities. The magazine looked at 38 different measures of health and well-being, including obesity rates, cancer rates and medical care. Researchers also took into account nutrition, unemployment, happiness and fitness. San Francisco is ranked as the healthiest city. Birmingham, Alabama is the only city ranked lower than Philadelphia. Here are the results:

Top 10:
1. San Francisco, CA (Healthiest City)
2. Salt Lake City, UT
3. San Jose, CA
4. Burlington, VT
6. Minneapolis, MN
7. Seattle, WA
8. Austin, TX
9. St. Paul, MN
10. Portland, ME

Bottom 10:
91. Detroit, MI
92. St. Louis, MO
93. Tulsa, OK
94. Jackson, MS
95. Indianapolis, IN
96. Cleveland, OH
97. Memphis, TN
98. Toledo, OH
99. Philadelphia, PA
100. Birmingham, AL (Unhealthiest City)

That’s right, Alabama. You may be great at football and for birthing evolution-denying airhead dimes, but you don’t know shit about keeping those Smokeshows healthy. Bunch of unhappy, unfit, unemployed bumpkins down there I bet. Don’t even know why MLK bothered to march through that place. Should have just said “fuck it” and told everybody to move up north.

Of course we’re not happy to see our girls land at #99 on a list of only 100 cities, but at least we all know who’s to blame for this: fat hoodrat chicks and grizzled old moms. Most of the rest of the girls in the city are decent to hot, but we’ve all seen those North Philly bamas with their dollar store weaves and muffin tops brawling in the street just as we all know those crinkled old chain-smoking moms tucked away in their rowhomes. There are more than a few “women” out there that would give Mac’s mom a run for her money. Your friend’s alcoholic mom? Yeah, her. Not fair to group perfectly healthy 20-somethings in with those two groups of American failure.

But, hey, at least we’re not Birmingham. Plus it’s pretty certain our city could beat up all of the top 10 cities in a fight combined.