Askmen.com released their annual Top 99 Most Desirable Women list last week, and I for one thinketh it drab. Here’s their top 20:

20. Rose Huntington Whiteley
19. Lea Michele
18. Lady Gaga
17. Emma Watson
16. Katy Perry
15. Daisy Lowe
14. Selena Gomez
13. Mila Kunis
12. Zooey Deshanel
11. Kate Middleton
10. Candice Swanepoel
9. Rihanna
8. Kim Kardashian
7. Scarlett Johansson
6. Emma Stone
5. Nicki Minaj
4. Miranda Kerr
3. Rooney Mara
2. Kate Upton
1. Sofia Vergara

Lady Gaga? Rooney Mara? Are you kidding me? Most desirable by who– gay boys? There are legit 2s in the top 20, and that’s just unacceptable. So I figure that I can make a better top 20 than this in my sleep. Can’t be that hard. Just shows how little I know. By the time I was done compiling all my research for this arduous project, I learned exactly how hard I could get — err I mean, this could be.

You’re gonna notice a theme here early on. And that theme is big gorgeous titties. So if you don’t like big gorgeous titties, then you’ll probably hate this list.

Don’t judge me, I have a romantic side as well. For instance I’m a huge sucker for pretty eyes. Big fan of the blow job eyes. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a blue eyed blow jay. All like, “Look up… look up at me.” It’s all about the eye contact.

General tightness is another quality that I admire. Tight little ass with the lower back dimples. YUP. But I don’t care how hot the body is, turns out the face is surprisingly important. Some chicks made this team just on being pretty as fuck. Which is an accomplishment. Because most of them made the team based on how badly I want to boner baste their bodies.

20. Katherine Heigl
If I’m gonna take a hit for reaching, then this is the pick. Katherine Heigl is the hottest “the girl you don’t like at first, but then fall in love with later” type girl in film. I always dug that girl. Got mad boners for Miss Heigl, she’s a legit smoke.

19. Kelly Brook
I don’t know why she’s famous, but I saw a sex clip of her from a movie she was in on youjizz a couple weeks ago, and it was great.

18. Katy Perry
If I was still 13 I would masturbate to her on MTV.

17. Kim Kardashian
Don’t care. I want to put my penis in and around her butt.

16. Audrina Patridge
Hot little rich girls are my thing. I’ve always had this fantasy where I’m a pool boy workin on some rich guy’s pool. And he has a smoking hot daughter who likes to order me around and shit. Then one day she orders me to rub lotion on her while she sun bathes topless, but I should really be skimming the pool, because if her dad finds out then he’ll fire my dad and I won’t be able to go play in the NHL because I’ll have to stay home and work on the farm and support my brothers and sisters. But then I fuck her anyway. I know, awesome story right?

15. Candice Swanepoel
The second hottest VS model in the game right now. She’s great, but slightly less great. She is like the Buzz Lightyear to Miranda Kerr’s Louis Armstrong, if you will. Point is, they both got to space. Wait… what?

14. Lindsay Lohan
She’s still on the list. I don’t care what she does.

13. Sara Underwood
Tight little blonde award winner.

12. Rosie Jones
It’s just not fair that some dude gets to have sex with this girl. Why not me God? Why not me?

11. Scarlett Johansson
Just out of respect.

10. Blake Lively
I don’t know how everyone else feels about Miss Lively, but I’m into her big time. Her role in The Town as a pilled up chicken head totally sealed the deal. Love when the sweet girl plays the dirty girl.

9. Minka Kelly
Pretty as Fuck.

8. Megan Fox
That scene in Transformers where she’s bent over and fixing the car is etched into my wiener’s brain.

7. Diora Baird
Running out of qualifiers for why I like girls with large breasts. She’s the strawberry blonde champion of the boobie girls.

6. Lucy Pinder
Another underrated Brit with the big ones. She’s sexy as hell.

5. Kate Upton
The hottest big breasted blonde going. Brooklyn Decker without the Reese Witherspoon face.

4. Adriana Lima
Still stupid hot. Stays stupid hot. She put Brazil on the map.

3. Khaleesi
I just love her and want to marry her. Ride horses together and be Khal Anonymous for the rest of my life.

2. Miranda Kerr
The number one Victoria Secret model in the game right now. Tightness FTW.

1. Keeley Hazell
Winner. If you disagree, you’re gay.

I consider myself a top 5 Ranker. When a situation arises when abstract things need to be numerically valued based on greatness, I’m the guy for the job. Send me something to rank and I’ll rank the shit out of it.

So on that authority, that’s the 2012 All-Smoke Team. If given a chance, I’d go full retard on all of these ladies. Macgruber style.