I’d like to think that the owner of my favorite football team isn’t a moron. I’d also like to think the general manager of my favorite football team isn’t a wiener who can’t convince top-flight coaches to come aboard because they know he’s a beef rope who’s going to get in the way of their plans. But I’m pretty sure after the Eagles came out swinging and missing in their initial attempts to find Andy Reid’s replacement that both of these fears are being realized.

One thing is for sure–college coaches from coast to coast are in love with the Eagles. Unfortunately, it’s not because any of these coaches want to actually work for a team with no proven quarterback, a shitty defense, players who aren’t accountable, and a general manager who looks like he should be the mail boy at Goldman Sachs. No, they love the Eagles because Jeffrey Lurie, who has his head so far up his own ass to even bother observing the obvious, is helping many of them get paid.

PSU’s Bill O’Brien and Oregon’s Chip Kelly both had what could be termed at the very least as mild flirtations with the Eagles, but O’Brien would rather coach at the most fucked up university on the planet with not even the possibility of winning anything than come to Philadelphia. The other guy couldn’t be sold after a nine hour meal.

Conflicting reports suggest there’s mutual interest between the team and Brian Kelly, while others suggest he’s also using the Eagles to get a salary bump. And that’s fine. It’s part of the game, but isn’t it a little bit pathetic that these three assholes get all dressed up, spray on the cologne like they’re going to get their first blow job, only to waste their time, money, and resources on the next coach who’s going to leave them with blue balls? When does it click?

So if Philadelphia’s worst fears are realized and the Eagles really have missed the boat on their top targets, and if Lurie’s hard-to-believe endorsement of Roseman was bullshit, at least all of this seemingly wasted time and energy could help the team land a quality coach the next time around when whatever D-list nobody they get to say yes ultimately fails. After all, these college coaches owe the Eagles something, don’t they?