So I don’t want to sound insensitive when I say there’s absolutely no question that being a man is better than being a woman. Besides the obvious centuries-old physical and societal dominance, as a man you get a penis that you can play games with, a near guaranteed orgasm during every sexual encounter, and the freedom to pee standing up. Advantage City.
So let’s talk about pee games. As stated above, penis entertainment is a large part of what it means to be a member of the superior human sex. I know I’m not alone when I admit to playing a number of games with my pee in the bathroom. Nothing unsanitary or sexual, just an additional level of challenge to an otherwise mindless activity. And since it’s 2012 and the world still vaguely remembers that the Olympics happened this year (or something), I see no better time to present maurice’s Definitive Top Five Bathroom Pee Games.
#5 – All Bubbles
Rules: Very simply try to fill the entire toilet bowl with bubbles when you finish peeing.
How To Win: The ENTIRE surface of the peewater must be covered in bubbles. The real challenge comes at the end when the only surface left unbubbled is the area you were peeing into. Bubble bank shots off the side of the bowl is the only tip I can give you.
#4 – No Bubbles
Rules: Now this one’s a bit more tricky and you might have to pinch off some to get some flow control, but the object is to zip up with zero bubbles remaining in the bowl.
How To Win: Have zero bubbles in the toilet when you finish. Aiming carefully with those final drops will be crucial to successful bubblelessness.
#3 – Golden Arch
Receptacle: Toilet, Urinal
Rules: Angle your penis upwards and lean back until you create a successful McDonalds-meets-St. Louis yellow pee pee arch.
How To Win: There is no clear way to win at Golden Arch — unless somehow your arch is so pronounced that it somehow touches the ceiling. Then, yeah, I suppose you would pretty much be the winner at that point. But for most folks Golden Arch is more of a contest against your own personal best. The game is wrought with risk and reward, as going for too gnarly of an arch too late in your pee can and will lead to heavy, embarrassing, and difficult-to-explain urine stains.
#2 – Long Distance
Receptacle: Toilet, Urinal
Rules: Take a step back. Then another. Then another. Yeah…now you’re getting it.
How To Win: My barometer for success in bathroom Long Distance is back to the door. Back touching the door = a win. If you’ve been holding it for a while and are steady with your stream and back up slowly as if a gunman were currently holding you up, getting your back to the bathroom door is totally possible.
#1 – Beat The Flush
Rules: Maybe the simplest of toilet pee games is still the reigning champ. Literally play this game with 75% of the pees I take. Start flushing before you’re finished peeing. That’s all you gotta do.
How To Win: Beat the flush. If you’re done peeing before it’s done flushing, you win. The better the timing the better the win. Any slight trickles or drops after the bowl starts refilling is considered a loss. Rookies at Beat The Flush will find themselves double-flushing from overzealous timing on the flush. Your hand will write checks that your penis can’t cash. Yet nothing beats the rush of getting the timing just perfect. Leaving the bathroom after a perfect Beat The Flush means entering any social situation with a confidence you previously never thought you possessed. Beating the Flush can lead to GREATNESS.