Deadspin – A reader in attendance for a seventh-grade football matchup between Bethany Middle School and Casady in Bethany, Oklahoma reports the referee for tonight’s middle school game is none other than Kevin Akin, who served Sunday as head linesman for the Browns-Eagles game and will be working the Broncos-Falcons Monday night game this coming week. That’s him above patrolling the backfield, according to our source.
Sample resume for this week’s Head Referee:
Lower Central Middle School, 2009 – Present
Custodian / Football Line Judge
- Managed daily operations of all custodial activities including cleaning, wiping, scrubbing, waxing, mopping, and sweeping.
- Pioneered groundbreaking new sawdust vomit techniques, cutting costs by 50% and finally ridding the central hallway of lingering “turd-y” smell.
- Called holding on 85% of run plays, thus evening odds for inferior teams and drastically increasing fan participation (boos included)
- Creator of the “Holding Penalty Fist Pump”, a wildly popular move with fans
- Cleared of all child endangerment and sexual harassment charges by the state of Virginia*
Gracie State Penitentiary, 2005 – 2009
- Captain of softball team
- Toilet Wine Of The Year 2006-2008
NFL Europe, 2002 – 2005
- Learned how to say “false start” in 7 different languages
- Managed staff of 25, including team of German robotic scientists in charge of building incoming Commissioner Roger Goodell
- Information concerning discharge, prostitution scandal, and deportation available upon request
Uncle Bill’s Home-School Community College and Hair Salon
Associates in Business Administration / Box Fades
*If Gary says different he’s a goddamned liar.