As you get older and expand your understanding of the world and expand your circle of friends, you’ll no doubt encounter people — some of them pretentious Americans — who absolutely love soccer. Hey, it’s a free country. To each his own. It’s just a shame none of that changes the fact that soccer is for pussies.

I can respect the skill involved. I can respect the history. I can even respect the gamesmanship a bit. But I can never, ever respect what this guy is doing right here. Disgusting.

Way to be, soccer.