foodbeastI don’t want to graduate college, though it’s probably not for the reason you’re thinking. No, as exciting as the job market looks for journalism majors, the truth is, I just don’t want to sit through the ceremony. I have a whole mountain’s worth of things I would rather do than sit through that god-awful ceremony. (A relaxing day at Disneyland comes to mind, as does taxidermy. And bocce ball.) Of course, when I brought the idea of skipping out up to my parents, they looked at me with such horror that I might as well have said I thought Tabasco tasted better than Sriracha. So I decided to do something else about it. I decided to put a flask in my cap.

You know people can see that boozy umbilical cord popping out the back and into your mouth, right? Sorta defeats the purpose of having a flask in your graduation cap if it’s not a secret flask in your graduation cap. A non-secret cap flask is pretty much just as effective as a small bottle of Patron in your pocket. And by “just as effective” I mean “clearly not as effective”.

Which is exactly why I’m not buying this chick being the inventor of this cap. Doesn’t add up. Journalism majors don’t know how to build things. Trust me I was one. No person going to school for writing would be sober or crafty enough to see this project through to completion. Newspaper jobs start out at $22k a year. Millions more people will be watching Charles Ramsey today than reading about dead Syrians or sequester cuts. Shit’s depressing. Brown bag is fine.  Ain’t nobody got time for cap flasks.