ABC – A 40-foot long whale shark was found dead near Karachi, Pakistan, the Express Tribune, a Pakistani newspaper reports. Mehmood Khan, the owner of the Charai Fishery, said the whale shark was spotted unconscious 10 days ago in waters about 150 kilometers (93 miles) from the fishery. Curious onlookers swarmed the pier while two cranes attempted to lift the shark, approximately 40 to 50-feet long and six-feet wide, out of the water. After failing to reel in the fish, more cranes, capable of lifting heavier weights, were called in for the task. The shark was finally lifted from the sea after several hours of efforts and sold for 1.7 million Rupees ($18,750).

Let me preface this by saying that I do swim. Quite well, even. And if we’re going to the shore I’ll get in the water and body surf the waves and all that. No problem with the beach or pools or waterparks or anything similar. But if you approach me and ask “Hey maurice, you wanna go deep-sea fishing with me and the guys?” or “Come whale watching with us!”, the answer is most likely No. Why? Because the ocean is filled with goddamn SEA MONSTERS.

I’m not deep-sea diving with you, I’m not getting in a cage and watching sharks with you, and I might not even go to the aquarium with you, yet somehow I’m the crazy one. How am I the crazy one for not wanting to leave my natural habitat for a strange, dark environment with man-eating creatures?  You’re the one fucking around with gigantic murderous water-dinosaurs. I’m sane as shit.  No way I’m swimming around in the deep open ocean — ya boy can’t even BREATHE down there.

“Oh, but he only eats plankton and doesn’t bother humans.” Yeah, okay. You talk that plankton shit and I’ll be the one NOT missing on Action News for the next two weeks.  And I don’t mean to sound counter-religious but I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna survive after living inside of a whale for three days. You’re probably just gonna turn into sea mammal dookie.

Fuck the sea. Land 2012 til forever.