There’s not much for me to write about until the playoffs. So instead of half assing a Flyers post where I am told that I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about 12 straight times, I decided to put my full ass into the next best thing I do: make lists. Real quick, Top 5 things I do Best: 1.) Watch the Flyers 2.) Make lists 3.) Fold pizza boxes 4.) Think about what the singularity that created the big bang was “in” 5.) Grow sweet mustaches.
So as my gift to you, here goes the Top 10 Teams we hate the most around here. I was in a dark place when I put this list together…. Literally, I was in the kitchen with lights out at 1AM.
10. New York Yankees
All Time Record: 12-12
The Yankees represent everything that is wrong with sports. You really had to win all those championships you greedy fuckin bastards? New York. Typical.
9. Los Angeles Lakers
All Time Record: 143- 158
Everyone hates the Lakers. They stole Wilt, molested Kobe, and won all the championships. Sixers 2001 was awesome, but like seriously- Kobe and Shaq? That’s so fucking unfair. Unforgivable.
8. New York Knicks
All Time Record: 261- 198
Not as intense as in years past, but the Sixers two loses this season to the Knicks hurt worse than any Philly team loss since the Phillies “One bloody Nil” game back in October.
7. Boston Celtics
All Time Record: 222-290
The Celtics ruined Will Smith’s childhood.
6. New Jersey Devils
All Time Record: 76-90-15
The Devils ruined my childhood.
5. New York Mets
All Time Record: 458-397
It’s just not as much fun anymore now that the Mets are awful. Their best player is probably gonna be our starting third baseman come July. So there’s not much to hate, even though they have the potential to win a series or two, they aren’t contenders so they just don’t matter. Let’s bring back the good old days when they used to take over the park and talk shit non-stop, then collapse with 15 games left. I loved that shit.
4. Pittsburgh Penguins
All Time Record: 140-88-30
How do they always get the best two players in the league playing on the same team at the same time? Win multiple Cups, then suck for 5 years and do it again? It’s ridiculous, and honestly it’s not fair. I feel the same way about the Penguins as I do about Tyler Kennedy’s face.
3. New York Rangers
All Time Record: 114-115-37
The Rangers make me snarl when I think of them. I get a shiver down my spine and my eyes roll in the back of my head in a little mini-hate seizure every time I think of them. They’re the type of organization that house dudes like Kasparitis, Barnaby, and Sean Avery. Rangers don’t just let the Flyers play hockey, ever. It’s always a shit show every time these clubs get together. The entire relationship can be summed up by the incident at the cheeseteak place after the Winter Classic. An off duty cop, goes to a cheesesteak place, in Philadlephia, wearing a Rangers jersey, after the Flyers lose, surrounded by upset fans, willfully gets involved in an altercation, gets knocked out, winds up being an off duty cop, and Philly gets the bad rep. It’s like the Rangers can just run around being assholes on our home ice and never get any calls. Bullshit.
2. New York Giants
All Time Record: 74-82-2
There are many that would consider the G-Men our greatest natural rival, based geographical location and overall similarity in the type of sports fan and media scrutiny that these long standing rivals share. I personally don’t understand how they can suck so bad and still win championships. Eli, you big mouth breathing dummy, how are you so good at 3rd downs and so bad at looking like you are aware of anything? He’s got Third Downs Syndrome. Giants fans don’t bother me on a personal level. Honestly, they’re usually pretty knowledgeable and easy to shoot the shit with. We’re both harder on our own teams than each others’. We have a lot in common and can reserve our hate for each other solely based on sports loyalties. This is a classic, Wes Mantooth vs Ron Burgundy rivalry.
1. Dallas Cowboys
All Time Record: 47-59
We hate the Cowboys more than anything in the world. It’s more about their cockroach fans than anything else. They live everywhere and root for a city’s team that they’ve never even been too. If you’re a Cowboys fan and you grew up in the Delaware Valley, you’re just being a dickhead on purpose. Everything about the Cowboys bothers me. The America’s team thing is annoyig, that star is gay, and why are they even in the NFC EAST?! Stupid fucking Cowboys.
There are plenty more teams to hate out there. I currently hate the Bruins a lot, but not quite as much as the Yankees. Yankee hate is out of spite, and spite is a powerful form of hate. Other division rivals such as the Redskins, Braves and Islanders are close to cracking the top 10 but aren’t quite hate-able enough. The Nationals, Nets, and Marlins although dislikable, don’t have any fans to yell at. And I just found out the Raptors are in the Atlantic Division. I’m sure we all have little side piece hates such as the Patriots or the Steelers out there, but the top 10 has to be comprised of teams that will always elicit a little throw up in my mouth for the rest of my life. Sports enjoyment in this city just wouldn’t be the same without these fuckin jerkoff teams aggravating me year after year. Salute.