But maybe it shouldn’t have kept happening for everyone. Below are the Top Ten celebrities who would have been better off to die earlier.
10. Dick Clark
Optimal Death – December 2009
Why – The below video is all the reason why you need. Completely ruined 2010 for everybody. Never had a year been introduced in such a Debbie Downer manner. Poor Dick was stroked-out missing numbers and going reverse on the countdown and really had no business Rockin’ the Eve that year. Had he died only a few days earlier, Ryan Seacrest would have had plenty of time to prepare as the main host and write a timely eulogy for the former Bandstand host.
Optimal Death – June 1999
Why – Just look at him. But more importantly, Jordan living past being known as the greatest basketball player ever has given sports fans enough time to see other parts of his life that aren’t as admirable. Bad managerial decisions, dickish Hall of Fame speeches, gambling problems, and, of course, constantly dressing like a retired pimp. Had Jordan been offed by the Yakuza on a gambling trip to Japan during the Summer of ’99, he would have never joined the Wizards, drafted Kwame Brown, or gotten kicked out of his golf club for wearing cargo shorts. Plus dying during the summer would have given the NBA plenty of time to dedicate the 2000 season to Jordan with all types of awesome custom jerseys. Nike would be worth double what it is now.
8. Britney Spears
Optimal Death – November 2003
Why – Had BS died in a plane crash like Aaliyah or crashed a car in an exotic locale like Left Eye in November 2003, she would have gone out before any of the major Britney Spears negativity hit. She would have just released a critically acclaimed pop album and nobody would have ever known the shaved-head, drunk, or sloppy old Britney we’ve seen come and go so many times today. It would have been nothing but Oops I Did It Again, MTV Python dancing, and kissing Madonna. Toxic wouldda dropped and nobody would’ve ever known she’d one day have multiple chins.
7. Lil Wayne
Optimal Death – Whenever the second before he touched a skateboard and/or guitar was.
Why – This:
6. “Boston” George Jung
Optimal Death – Right after the awesome coke montage.
Why – Two reasons:
One – He gets doublefucked by his old buddy, ends up in jail for a crazy amount of years, and never sees his daughter again.
Two – Some people look really dumb in 80′s clothes.
5. Kramer (Michael Richards)
Optimal Death – Anytime before November 17, 2006
4. Bob Dylan
Optimal Death – Anytime in the 80′s before he sucked.
Nobody took such a casual nosedive as Bob Dylan. The man was an icon of his time, now look at him. He’s just an old dude nobody wants to hear but people still go to see out of respect. Pretty much the equivalent of any grandparent ever. If he would have been murdered by the Feds in some conspiracy plot he could have changed the world. Instead he lived WAY too long and now has his likeness and message boiled down to “drink more soda”.
Optimal Death – January 1, 1994
Why – You know why. Had JoePa died the day before his team was to go on to complete their undefeated National Championship season, he would have left as one of the greatest football coaches to have ever lived…only, you know, this time without any child rape conspiracy. ’94 was a great time for Penn State football: big hype, big wins, and no rapes. Everything would have been different.
2. OJ Simpson
Optimal Death – Early 1996
Why – Early 1996 would have been the perfect timing. This would have given “Juice” the chance to kill his wife and the other dude AND get acquitted of murder in the grandest trial of all-time. OJ was the biggest star in the world at that point. Sure, most of the country (read: white people) hated him, but at that time he still had some money, his Heisman, and most importantly his freedom. If OJ would have died before any civil trial or whatever the hell the reason he’s locked up now is, he would be one of the most notorious and divisive figures in American history.
1. Michael Jackson
Optimal Death – November 1991
Had Michael died right before the release of Dangerous, his legend would possibly have been the biggest in American history. Bigger than anybody. Yet that’s not what happened, is it? Now we all know about the weird fake marriage to Elvis’ daughter and the strange obsessions and the Jesus Juice, but if MJ’s limo would have been Princess Diana’d by the paparazzi in November of ’91 all of that would have been avoided. No fake nose or massive butt chin or pill death that seemed like way less of a big deal than it should have been. It would have been nothing but worldwide sadness and Ukrainian girls sobbing on television for 3 months straight. There is nobody else who would have benefited from an early death more than the King of Pop.