Bleacher Report gets bought for $11 quadrillion and this is where they spend their money? Jeff Garcia one-on-one workout videos with closeted fat guy JaMarcus Russell? Brilliant, Bleacher Report. Can’t wait to see the 100-slide breakdown of the workout.

Let’s face facts: JaMarcus Russell is and always will be a dummy. Only a dummy would take this long before starting his comeback attempt. Like it literally took the guy years to decipher that his guaranteed signing bonus wouldn’t last him until he’s 75 or whatever age he keels over from some gravy-related heart condition. Should have gotten in shape and started playing his cards right years ago. The only thing lean about JaMarcus Russell is the drink in his cup. Nobody is going to sign a mentally retarded nosetackle with a sizzurp addiction as their quarterback.

“You wanna have sex with my Playboy wife, JaMarcus? It’s totally okay. Really!” – Jeff Garcia while carefully watching JaMarcus Russell shower and change