HUFFINGTONPOST – Looks like somebody got their Lucky Charms! Police are looking for a duo caught in photos and video celebrating St. Paddy’s Day early near two Dumpsters in Newark, Del. The photos (seen below and extremely NSFW) show the unidentified pair having sex in broad daylight on Saturday as gawkers laugh and record the incident. The sex romp was recorded in the rear parking lot of the Galleria Building on Main Street, some time in the afternoon. Some of the social media posts detailing the act have since been taken down.
Wait — was that Obama on the screen talking about Ukraine or something yesterday? Didn’t Putin sign something today about Russia officially stealing Crimea or something? Whatever. Who cares, right? Especially when there are people fucking next to dumpsters in Delaware.
Who can concentrate on current events at a time like this? Wars, secret government surveillance, sky-high murder rates, historical levels of political turmoil and corruption, a college education system that’s basically glorified indentured servitude…none of it matters now. People are fucking outside, folks! If you’re dumb enough to think St. Patty’s Day garbage sex was something you’d only read about on Barstool — welcome to the new media. This is NEWS. We’ve gotta find out who these people are, WHY they were fucking next to a dumpster, and…who these people are. Has CNN chimed in with this as a breaking story yet? We’ve gotta get our finest people on the case before America devolves into one giant dumpster sex party.
NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. WE MUST MANHUNT THE DUMPSTER FUCKERS.
PS – Click the HuffPo link for the video. It’s not that good.