Where have I been the past week? No idea how I scrolled past this without watching. ULTIMATE TAZER BALL? America you’ve done it again.

Every few years someone comes up with a new idea for a sport, yet they all fall short. They go through the trouble of carefully plotting out field designs and meticulously reviewing rules to ensure fairness, when in reality they missed the bigger picture. We already have basketball and soccer and hockey and football and baseball. We didn’t need to combine our old sports with other old sports. Shit’s completely pointless. What we needed was to combine sports with other activities popular in American culture, and I think police-enforced electrocution might be the perfect one.

UTB claims that it’s “the future of sport”, and I couldn’t agree more. If I’m flipping through the channels and see eight morons running around an indoor soccer field with a giant ball slowly tazing the life out of one another I’m 100% gonna watch that every time. Without fail. Even just that click-click of the hot tazer gets me excited. If this is on TV, I’d say at least one in every three people with testicles in this country will watch. This sport has the potential to sell more Axe body spray, Affliction T-shirts, and Monster energy drinks than any 50 X-Games combined.

Get me my Philadelphia Killawatts jersey yesterday!