Oh you didn’t know there was a USA Football team?
Learned about this federation a couple years back. These competitions may only be a bunch of high school/young college kids, but I dream one day of there being actual pros. Just between us, my bucket list features “watch American Football played in the Olympics”. May seem weird I guess, but international competition seems to just have that extra juice to me. Everybody’s playing for something larger than themselves. It’s the reason why I enjoyed watching USA Hockey beat Canada in the Olympics a little while back and watching Kobe & Lebron dominate a much-improved field of international competition. It even makes women’s soccer tolerable. Country vs. country battles are the most intense. And more than anything I wanna see our guys just completely obliterape the globe with the NFL’s best winning by triple digits over countries like France and North Korea.
Take into consideration too that Japan, Mexico, and Canada are actually pretty good in these tourneys. I’d like to see what their best could come up with. The real beauty of football is how customizable and coachable it is. Would the Germans run every down? Would the Chinese have two quarterbacks? You know, shit to think about.
And then I thought: if our football was as popular worldwide as soccer: who would I want to start for Team USA? Yada yada yada, peep your new undefeated gold medal-winning supersquad starters:
QB – Mike Vick: kiss my ass. other countries are slow.
RB – Adrian Peterson: runs hard every down, will be paralyzed by 35 years old.
FB – That Terminator dude from the Jets’ Hard Knocks last year: yeah, that guy.
TE – Vernon Davis: physical freak
LT – Some Dude
LG – Some Dude
C – Some Dude
RG – Some Dude
RT – Some Dude
WR – Andre Johnson: best in the game.
WR – DeSean Jackson: uncoverable.
WR – Calvin Johnson: motherfuckin megatron.
LE – DeMarcus Ware: will break the Japanese quarterback’s legs.
DT – Ndamukong Suh: nasty.
DT – Albert Haynesworth: meant to be in a 4-3, will dominate with Suh.
RE – Mario Williams: multiple concussions on German QB.
OLB – James Harrison: doesn’t give a fuck about helmet to helmet rules.
MLB – Ray Lewis: if only for the epic teary-cheeked flag-draped gold medal speech.
OLB – Clay Matthews: what Brian Urlacher wishes he still was.
CB – Nnamdi Asomugha: will shut down one side.
CB – Darrelle Revis: will shut down the other.
FS – Ed Reed: will intercept some wack-ass Canadian 4 times.
SS – Troy Polamalu: just so I can see new shampoo commercials.
Who ya got?