So the above report was confirmed just awhile ago as the team has officially signed Young. Here’s what I know. I know the Phillies have nothing even close to resembling a sure thing in their outfield right now. I know they want to win a championship. And I also know they’re not going to do that if they allow an unknown minor leaguer with retard strength who may or may not be able to hit at the Major League level, a 32-year-old stiff who hit .246 with three home runs and 16 RBI a year ago, an injury-prone former top prospect who hasn’t given the slightest indication he can catch and/or hit a baseball, and John Mayberry Jr. split significant time in those positions. There’s just no fucking way.
So when I hear that the team signed Young, a guy by who all accounts is a total piece of shit, my reaction isn’t, “Oh, my God. He’ll be a clubhouse cancer! He’ll ruin the chemistry!” I’m all like, “Does he hit right-handed? Can he hit homeruns? Oh, he can? Then what’s the fucking problem?”
Some people might see a guy who once didn’t like a called third-strike, stood in the batter’s box to show up the umpire, then proceeded to try to impale him by throwing a fucking bat through his chest. But I see a fiery competitor who just wants to win–and a guy that hit .267 with 18 homers and 74 RBI last year. He’s not an All-Star, but he provides an upgrade.
See, any Phillies fan that’s not in on Young is a hypocrite. We get off to it when guys speak their minds and show how much they care. Dude is fucking crazy, but you don’t assault an umpire if you don’t care.
Hear me out. Remember when Brian Wilson struck out Ryan Howard looking to end the 2010 NLCS? You’re telling me if Howard doesn’t turn around and jam his bat through the chest of home plate umpire Tom Hallion that we’re not all like—Ryan Howard is so Philly. Yeah, it would have sucked to lose and all, but that assault? It would have been legendary.
I know what you’re thinking. “Wait, isn’t Young the same guy that got wasted, started a fight, called some guy a fucking jew and got arrested in New York last year?”
According to police, the confrontation began about 2:30 a.m. after a group of four men spoke with a panhandler wearing a yarmulke outside the hotel. “They have a discussion, and the panhandler leaves,” Cavitolo told the Free Press. According to court documents and police, the anti-Semitic slur and the physical exchange came next: Words were exchanged between Young and the men, at which point Young allegedly said, “You bunch of (expletive) Jews.”
First of all, tell me you’ve never gotten fucked up, ran your mouth and started shit. Plus, Young is just wearing his heart on his sleeve. People jerked off Larry Bowa even though his teams sucked because he was “fiery” and all of that shit. Young’s pretty much just doing the same thing here.
So listen, John Mayberry Jr. can take his Stanford education and read a fucking dinosaur book to your kid’s elementary school. But I’m not interested in jerkoff community service programs and role models. So let’s get nuts and see what happens. I’m in.