Thanksgiving. A time of joyous celebration spent with loved ones—and people you associate strictly out of pure obligation. You sit down, have a couple beers, some turkey, little stuffing, and, of course, watch a fuck ton of football. But you know what else is great about Thanksgiving—that it’s a time to give. No, not back to the community, a helping hand to those in need, or any of that bullshit—but it is a time to give away your money to a 37-year-old jerkoff who uses an illegitimate landscaping business as an umbrella for his illegal, but highly lucrative bookmaking enterprise. Funny thing is, people are reading this right now saying, “Is he talking about my guy?” I’m not, but I’m pretty certain this is how at least how half of those things are run.

So if you’re like me and less excited about saying hello to some extended relatives you don’t give a fuck about and are actually more excited to jeopardize your hard-earned money on some football games featuring teams like the Lions, Redskins, and Jets, then you’re in the right place.

Thanksgiving is a particularly difficult day to gamble because of the built-in distractions. Carving turkeys, getting the house ready, crying babies, binge-drinking, throwing up, and a variety of other factors can each cause us to lose focus. We’ve all been there. Your sister comes over and she’s raving about how your niece won a fucking spelling bee or some shit and you are trying to look over her shoulder to see how Matthew Stafford fumbled the ball on the six-yard line. So let’s try to ease some of the angst and hammer home a 3-0 day.

Houston vs. Detroit

Houston, widely-regarded as the most complete team in football, is only a three-point favorite against a dreadful Detroit team. What gives? The Lions have played better on the defensive side of the football, but their big-play offense has been inconsistent at best this season. The Texans are coming off that surprise overtime thriller against the Jaguars and make the trip to Detroit on a short week. You’d think Detroit would have an advantage in this situation, but history shows it’s not. They haven’t covered on Thanksgiving since 2003 which is pretty pathetic. I’m not crazy about the Texans in this spot, but I’d roll the dice with them here. They’ll be motivated to prove Sunday’s terrible defensive performance was an aberration. And the defense will bounce back after a terrible performance while an underrated Lions defense will keep it reasonable.


Washington vs. Dallas

These two shitbag teams face off in a game that will be billed as a critical NFC East showdown. It’s not. Washington is terrible and their 31-6 thrashing of the Eagles does nothing but spray some deodorant on the stench of what is still a bad team. Dallas, meanwhile, also sucks, but their 23-20 overtime win over the Browns at least showed some grit. The offense rallied from a two-score second half deficit against an underrated Cleveland defense and I think the Cowboys will build on that momentum against a brutal Washington defense.  This week, RGIII will have to be perfect to keep his team in the game, and something tells me that won’t happen a second straight week.


New England vs. New York Jets

I don’t like anything about this game, but I’ll probably end up betting an irresponsible amount of money on it anyway. Why? Because I’ll either be 0-2 and trying to dig myself out of a huge fucking hole or I’ll be 2-0 looking to deliver the knockout punch. And I’ll be fucking wasted. That, too. The Jets looked competent in their 27-13 win in St. Louis on Sunday. The Patriots looked unstoppable. Even without Rob Gronkowski, this looks like a game the Patriots should win by double-digits. But a word of caution–it’s a divisional game on the road for New England and their defense is still brutal despite running back two scores last weekend. If I had to take a side, I’d roll with New England, but I prefer the over in this spot. The Patriots should still hang 30 plus, and I expect the Jets to put up at least a 20-spot.