The Phillies’ quest to get back to the postseason after last season’s injury plagued hiatus begins tonight in Atlanta. To get ready for this I guess I could regurgitate played out questions like, “Can Chase Utley stay on the field?” or “Did adderall make Carlos Ruiz play baseball real good?” But I’m not feeling it. I’d rather reset, take a deep breath, and point out no matter what questions face the Phillies, they’re still totally less fucked than any other team represented on Barstool. I’ll probably spend a good amount of time criticizing the Phillies this year, but I’m feeling optimistic today, so I’m just gonna shit on everyone else real quick.

Red Sox

Team isn’t bad, might be better than last year, but is the pitching deep enough and are young guys ready to make the leap to put them on par with the AL’s best? Also, enjoy the 3 yrs/39 mil of Shane Victorino. He’s definitely an ascending player. You’ll love his plate discipline. And yeah, I saw the two-run single today. Just wait for it.

Yankees

These guys can pretty much reference the 2012 Phillies to see what happens when your aging team is missing its most highly paid and productive bats. Money doesn’t mask it. And Vernon Wells definitely doesn’t mask it. Yankees fans should really soak up this week’s opening series. May be sports best rivalry, but not this season. There’s no story lines for FOX and ESPN to shove down our throats. 1) Because believe it or not, nobody gives a fuck about Kevin Youkilis and how he looks weird in a Yankees jersey. 2) Because this series will be the last time both will play each other this season while at the top of the division.

Looking forward to the unnecessarily dramatic orchestra music and highlight montages that represent the 30 seconds of real action in their 5.5 hour games.

P.S. This is the season Yankees fans turn on Sabathia. He transitions from the fat and lovable horse to just…fat. He’s out of bullets.

Mets

Jon Niese is the Mets Opening Day starter. Not really much else to say there. As a Phillies fan, that fake no-hitter by Johan Santana last year was totally worth it. Enjoy all 65 of those wins this season.

Chicago teams

Actually like where the Cubs are headed and real big on Anthony Rizzo, but they’re not ready yet in the NL Central. The White Sox? Not sure what to be excited about if you’re a White Sox guy other than that even though the Royals are expected to contend it’s still the Royals and that everyone else outside of Detroit pretty much sucks too. Go crazy, folks.