Barstool Sports: Philly

Lil Dicky’s ‘White Dude’ Is As Hilarious As It Is Accurate

smitty — Wed, 22 May 2013 22:24:13 +0000

Yep, it’s official. Cheltenham’s (yes, Philly is claiming him) Lil Dicky is my favorite rapper in the game today. Was never really a big hip-hop aficionado but I’d take this over anything Drake or Kanye shits out of their mouths any day of the week. Plus Ex-boyfriend is a game changer and Sports is fresh as tits.

Sorry to all women and Mo, but this song is pretty much on point on how we feel. Damn it feels good to be a white dude. Now only if the Jews can welcome me into their fancy little club without me being forced to marry one then I’ll have it made in the shade.

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow of the Day – Marisa

maurice — Wed, 22 May 2013 21:30:20 +0000

Welcome Marisa from Temple. Something very sweet and innocent about Marisa — makes her dangerous. It’s always the sweet kid-faced ones you gotta watch out for. I don’t know exactly what I mean by that, but yeah. I stand by it.

Nominate a Smokeshow — REMEMBER ALL SMOKES GET FREE TICKETS TO BARSTOOL FOAM SHOWS, INCLUDING OUR JULY 20TH SHOW AT THE ATLANTIC CITY CONVENTION CENTER.

Email Facebook links —–> phillytips@barstoolsports.com

Fat Redneck Comedian Convinces Smokestack To Make Out With Him On Stage

smitty — Wed, 22 May 2013 20:45:45 +0000

Hey, I’m not gonna hate. Gotta concede victory and throw fatties a bone once in awhile. His spank bank just became Fort Knox, so hopefully he will be able to visually locate his dick again sometime soon.

I sincerely hope that if his bros were Herculean enough to be able to lift him up on their shoulders that they threw his Shamu ass directly on the face of the blonde cockblocking bitch. What a cunt.

Textbook Faceplant

maurice — Wed, 22 May 2013 20:20:39 +0000

If aliens ever come to visit Earth and for whatever reason require a by-the-book example of a faceplant instead of like a meeting with our planet’s leadership, sampling of our ecology, or details of our history, somebody do them a favor and point them in the direction of this video.

Microsoft Just Made Your Tablet Look Like A Flip Phone

maurice — Wed, 22 May 2013 19:55:49 +0000

Reader Email

I know you love techonology. My touchscreen computer went obsolete before I even got one.

–BK

Hey, have you guys ever had to borrow a friend’s cell phone? Like maybe you left yours at home or your service was cut off or you know your girlfriend secretly checks through yours so you call your bullpen chicks with a friends’? Totally normal situation, right? Well I think you’d all be happy to know that you probably definitely wiped that person’s shit all over your face.

All over it. How so? Because everybody who has ever owned a smartphone or tablet has 100% played with it on the toilet while shitting, thus enabling millions if not billions of doo doo particles to tap dance on their screen and eventually onto your cheek and mouth area. It’s absolutely the grossest thing nobody talks about.

Which is why this technology is brilliant. Finally, germophobes who sometimes forget to pay their bills can feel comfortable using the devices of their friends and coworkers without fear of feces-related disease. Bravo, Microsoft.

Feminists Upset New Generation Of Wives Are Opting More To Take Husband’s Last Name And Not To Hyphenate

maurice — Wed, 22 May 2013 19:15:09 +0000

DM – It is estimated that just 18per cent of women in the U.S. will keep their last names after marriage, down from a record high of about 23per cent in the Nineties. But recent studies have shown that that number is on the rise again, as a new generation of young brides are opting to take their husband’s name. But new information from Facebook, who looked at 14million married females, ranging in age from 20 to 79 who wed in the U.S., shows that 65per cent of women in their twenties and thirties changed their name after saying ‘I do,’ according to The Daily Beast. While the data does not include women who have simply neglected to update their name-change on Facebook, the already high percentage reveals just how many brides are leaving their maiden names behind. Women marrying between the ages of 35 and 39 were 6.4 times more likely to keep their maiden names than those aged between 20 and 24, the study found. And not everyone is happy about it. After fighting marriage-induced name changes for more than twenty years, many feminists are watching the trend reverse in what they believe is a large step in the wrong direction. When 48-year-old Kerre Woodham, a well-known New Zealand Herald on Sunday columnist changed her last name to McIvor, she said was ‘amazed’ at her readers’ reactions. She wrote in an option piece for the newspaper: ‘There were a couple of woman emailers who felt I was a sell-out – submissively acquiescing to an outmoded patriarchal construct. Why, asked one writer, could he not have taken my name?’

Aww, poor 90′s feminists. Worked so hard to make a big deal about last names and it turns out the next generation doesn’t give two shits. Seems women today aren’t scared to be women, no matter how much it pisses off the weathered 37 year-old feminazis wearing Birkenstocks and men’s medium flannels. Chicks today understand: we pay for the ring, give you the wedding you want, and foot the bill for almost everything in the relationship…you take our last name and don’t ruin it with hyphenated nonsense. Fair trade is no robbery.

Also — why get married if you don’t like the things that are involved in marriage? Marriage in itself is “an outmoded patriarchal construct” — nobody’s forcing it on you. If you’re not into taking someone’s last name then don’t get married. Give up your spot to a gay person who could use it.

Racist Piece Of White Trash Is About To Become Internet Famous

smitty — Wed, 22 May 2013 18:40:51 +0000

YouTube Description

I was protesting the cloverdale rodeo may 18/13 and this lady did not like my sign. She called me racist names, spat on my face, then grabbed me by my hair punched me and kicked me. Cloverdale RCMP is looking for her for assault charges. Please identify her.

Definitely not old enough to be racist and have it be brushed aside like the grandmother at the Thanksgiving table who still uses the term “Colored” and refers to the dude who does her dry cleaning as a nice looking “Chinaman.” Nope. What we have here is a full blown white trash piece of shit racist who probably could have left her little secluded town at one point but got pregnant twice before she could finish her GED. It’s mind bottling how this bitch has the right to talk to a complete stranger like this. It’s 2013. Zip up the Jimmy Puffa hoodie to cover your tits that have already gone south for the winter and go with your fat, bowlcut rockin, lesbo friend to whatever nightly buffet that has the early bird special in town.

Shitskin is a derogatory term used for Asians? If you’re going to be that asshole racist, at least do it right. Or else you better go see a doctor toots if your shit is coming out that yellow.

Pussification Of America: Family Whose Mother Died Of Cancer Kicked Out Of King Of Prussia Mall For Wearing Censored “Fuck Cancer” Hats

maurice — Wed, 22 May 2013 18:05:22 +0000

philly.com – JUST HOURS before dawn on May 14, Jackie Underwood’s three daughters held her in their arms as the cancer stole the last breath from her broken body. For many days before, and almost every day since, her children – Makia Underwood, 32, Zakia Clark, 29, and Tasha Clark, 27 – have worn hats and shirts that read “F— CANCER,” with the “C” in “F—” replaced by a breast-cancer-awareness ribbon. Zakia and Tasha Clark were wearing their black-and-pink “F— CANCER” hats Sunday when the three sisters went to King of Prussia Mall with a group of friends and relatives to pick out a dress for Zakia’s 9-year-old daughter to wear to her grandmother’s funeral today. “He said, ‘Since you don’t want to take your hat off, you can leave my mall,’ ” Zakia recalled. “He stood there while we ate and threatened to call the cops.” Out of nowhere, Zakia said, seven more guards surrounded them. “I was very embarrassed,” she said. “My daughter was so scared she was crying.” As the group was escorted to the mall office, Makia called and met up with them. “I couldn’t believe they were acting like they were going to arrest my sisters,” she said. “I just wanted to tell them the whole story,” Makia said of the guards. “I wanted to tell them a monster came into our house, got into my mother and we had to watch that until the day it took her, so don’t tell me it’s offensive to say, ‘F— CANCER.’”

Hey — I’d love to side with these people. I really would. But made-up rules are made-up rules. You wear clothing that almost curses on it, you get kicked out of the mall. Doesn’t matter how fresh the memory of your mother’s slow, painful death is in your mind. It’s about respect.

See, you hooligans can wear that garbage out on the streets, but this is the King Of Prussia mall we’re talking about. Class city. Wearing “fuck cancer” hats and t-shirts is only going to disturb the fine obese women powering through Cinnabons or interrupt a middle school kid getting ass-raped by Gamestop’s trade-in policy. What if there was a pharmaceutical sales person or an executive for a medical equipment company present? Cancer is what keeps these people in business! Nothing could be more offensive. KOP ain’t got time for that.

I’m not sure where these people got the idea that they have the freedom to simply say and wear whatever they please, I’m just happy security escorted them out before a child was traumatized. This isn’t some imaginary freedom factory, folks. This is America. Horrific mom cancer tragedies or not. Act like you’ve been here before.

Do These Look Like The Faces Of Guys Affiliated With The ‘Crazy White Boys Criminal Street Gang’ Who Got Arrested Because Of Their Facebook Pictures?

maurice — Wed, 22 May 2013 17:30:10 +0000

wesh – Two felony fugitives were arrested after photographs showing them holding guns were posted on Facebook, according to deputies in Marion County. Mario McDonald, 23, and Joseph Edwards, 27, were arrested after detectives said online photos showed the pair holding a shotgun. Deputies said the two are reportedly members of the “Crazy White Boys criminal street gang,” according to a news release. Investigators said in the release that the photos “promote and further the interests of the criminal street gang.” Both men face charges of possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. They were booked into the Marion County Jail on Monday.

Okay, so these guys are probably more likely to refer to themselves as “Crazy White Boys” and not “Crazy White Boys Criminal Street Gang,” but I think all of us can see how that’s a huge mistake. Obviously Crazy White Boys Criminal Street Gang is the far superior name. Maybe one of the best gang names of all-time. You got The Van Buren Boys, Black Guerrilla Family, Crazy White Boys Criminal Street Gang, then all the rest (Bloods, Crips, Latin Kings, etc) after that.

What makes it so great is how specific it is, so there will be absolutely no confusing those crazy white boys with other crazy white boys who may be more into motocross or basejumping than shotguns and intimidation. It also differentiates CWBCSG from non-criminal street gangs, like the Jets or The Yellow Jacket Boys. What I’m getting at is…Crazy White Boys Criminal Street Gang is perfect. If there are any other members out there, I only hope they can continue the proud CWBCSG tradition.

Also I hope they look more like Crazy White Boys and less like Mexicans.

Jakub Voracek Totals Ferrari, Walks Away ‘Fine’

maurice — Wed, 22 May 2013 16:55:31 +0000

sport.cz (translated) – Hockey representative striker Jakub Voracek badly crashed. On Wednesday morning mishandled control of his vehicle Ferrari California and collided with a lorry. Accident, there were no injuries, but damage is estimated at three million. Twenty-three winger, who defends the colors NHL Philadelphia was driving too fast for a truck. The driver then started to turn left and therefore slowed down. Voráček did not manage to stop in time and crashed into the left side of the truck. “The accident occurred at 11:30 am on the road to the town of Kladno Braškov. During the accident no one was injured, alcohol was similar for both drivers on the spot expelled breath test,” she said in an interview Sport.cz Kladno police spokeswoman Michaela Novakova, which then outlining the amount of damages.

Kinda wish all news reports were in broken English. “Defends the colors NHL Philadelphia”. Like the way that sounds. Voracek doesn’t just play for the Flyers, he defends the colors of Philadelphia 82+ times a season.

Obviously this story would have a much more somber tone if Voracek would have ended up dead like he probably should have, but it’s great that we can joke since alcohol wasn’t involved and, according to Homer, Jakub is “fine“.

With any luck he’ll team up with Philadelphia Bruce Willis and defeat that evil Mr. Glass once and for all.