There are no words. None. Can we just call it a season already? I don’t give a rat’s cooch if the Phillies lineup didn’t feature any real players (minus Darun Ruf, Ceaser Hernandez and Phillippe Aumont, who all combined to suck OUT LOUD against Division II talent). It’s embarrassing, plain and simple. These guys are professionals playing against college kids. Shit, this isn’t even San Diego St. throwing Stephen Stasburg MLB ready talent out there, these are DIVISION II ballplayers. The 10-run rule should have been in effect by the 4th. FIRE EVERYONE.
I HATE THIS TEAM.
Also, I know most of these minor leaguers won’t sniff the majors, but at least give us some young names and talent we can get excited about. McGuinness? B. Bogusevic? Mastroionni?
It was Hockey Night In America last night, and all across this great nation people got to tune in to the battle of Broad Street v. Broadway. Things got off to a little rocky start after it appeared the Rangers scored just 7 seconds into the game. I was about ready to switch out the Yeunglings for some good old fashion Clorox. But luckily the Rangers bench is filled with a bunch of low-life cheating pigs and the goal was waved off since those bozos don’t understand what offsides is. Crisis averted, Tastykakes on deck.
Matt Read Did The Damn Thing
Obviously this has been a pretty disappointing season for Matt Read so far. Through 63 games he only has 6 goals and he’s a -9. So I guess you can understand how people could get so frustrated with that lack of production from a guy who’s making $3.6 million. But just when you think that Matt Read couldn’t possibly get any dumber, he goes out and does something like that….. and totally redeems himself. Unreal hand-eye coordination. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Steve Mason Is Our Knight In Shining Armor
Steve Mason is the greatest goaltender in the league that your grandmom has never heard of. I just hate that he’s playing right now. Watching Steve Mason in between the pipes is the biggest cocktease of the century. He’s lights out for a few games and then boom, injured. Then he’ll come back before he should really come back, be lights out for a few games and then boom, injured. And it’s only after then that he’ll come back before he should really come back, be lights out for a few games and then boom, injured. It’s been too long since the Flyers have had a consistently solid goaltender. I would love Steve Mason to be that guy, so maybe it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to just shut it down for a while. Either way, watching him turn into a brick wall was a lot of fun last night. I had a blast.
Michael Del Zotto Forever
Without exaggerating, this might be my favorite hockey goal of all time. Also, I hope some of you suckers were smart enough to take my advice yesterday. If you’re rich now, I’ll take my 10% commish.
Not sure what the odds are right now, but I'd put all of your money on Del Zotto going bardown tonight if I were you.
Michael Del Zotto should be the Flyers’ #1 priority right now. There is a grand total of zero reasons to not re-sign him. He’s been the most electric player on the bench, and the most clutch as well. 4 out of his 8 goals on the season have been game winners. Since the All Star Break he has been playing out of his damn mind and has been murdering every goaltender and corner in his way. I really wish I had live-footage of Ranger fans’ souls everywhere once that goal happened.
The Other Guys
- Feels great to not get swept in the regular season by the Rangers again. That would have been a tough pill to swallow.
- Coburn got himself a late birthday gift and upped his trade value with a blast from the point. Hopefully other teams realize what a dynamic player he is now and will be willing to make a trade for him. I swear he’s the best defenseman you’ll ever see. Take him. You’ll never regret. Just have him.
- Hope everyone has a time at the Flyers Wives Carnival if you’re heading down that way. Feel free to send anything cool to @BarstoolJordie so I can be jealous about not being there.
This is our standard, reoccurring and delicious feature on Fridays because this is America goddammit. If you’re stuck in front of the computer at this point you deserve the most mindless, enjoyable material to help pass the time. So here it is: 10 or so random GIFS from the Internets to put the mind at ease for a couple minutes. Simple as that. Could be hot, funny, painful, new, old – whatever works. Enjoy.
Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.
OV – An Australian woman was left horrified after she applied lip enhancer that she purchased online in an effort to look like Kylie Jenner. Brittany Foster bought the lip enhancer, called CandyLipz, from the company’s website and tried it out after it arrived at her house. Two minutes after applying the product, Foster removed the enhancing application to discover that her lips had swelled and bruised.Four days after she put the enhancer on her lips, Foster said her lips were still bloody and bruised. CandyLipz responded to Foster’s horrifying incident, saying that they “love” how her lips turned out.
And just like that, another week of freaks has come and gone.
It’s been a crazy week filled with llamas and dresses and other matters that aren’t quite as pressing, but still happened nonetheless. Through all of this, however, the internet porn commenters stayed on top of their game and didn’t miss a single beat. You almost have to commend that type of grind and dedication. So let’s get right to it and check out the best and most bizarre of what those freaks had to offer to us this week.
That's one hell of a Napoleon Complex on that little guy.
Christ, dude. Got any of those chill pills lying around in that mini van? And I HATE having to defend a biker. Especially one that GoPro’s specifically for this kind of shit and spouts out “Please step away from my property, sir”. Have a little backbone for once. Also, that’s one hell of a Napoleon Complex on that little guy. With the attitude and lack of height that man is a couple shades lighter away from being Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. Get you’re fucking shinebox, brah.
Pretty sure my dignity is still left somewhere in that office.
KFC asked for the worst job interview stories for the latest KFC Premium Mailtime, and the Stoolies delivered. Fortunately/unfortunately, I knew my tale of misery would blow everyone out of the water. You should stop being a peasant and listen to it, and a bunch of other great premium material – HERE. But since it is a worthy story (and the fact I essentially blogged it all already writing the email to KFC – hey, I’m lazy), here it is for the masses.
I was fresh off my degenerate poker days that left my life in shambles and debt (click here to revisit that modern day Greek Tragedy). Keep in mind I was out of the “real world” for over two years and had no real resume or a good, recent video reel to my name – Before playing poker I was essentially Hank but with cognitive abilities. Little did I know I would be forced into the worst possible interview for a 25-year-old straight male in human history.
I answer an add off Craigslist (because who needs to shoot for those stars?) for a FT Video Editing position for $16 an hour. Upon arrival I’m immediately told it’s for Male Gay Porn. Shit, for $16 an hour at that time in my life I’d have borderline dabbled in the porn itself, let alone video edit it, so I told myself I could stomach anything. I sit down for an interview with boss #1 and it goes well. I bullshit through everything cause that’s what I do best. Interview with boss #2 is a 20 minute long basic Avid (video editing player) test. Done and done. It’s the third part of the process that obviously stands out.
I sit down with boss #1 where I am required to watch and critique 45 minutes of RAVAGING gay porn. I’m talking cocks of all shapes and sized, balls to the face, fists of fury. The works. 45 straight minutes of The World Cup of homosexuality with multiple Pele’s of anal going for gold. And I’m not homophobic whatsoever, but watching a bunch of bears go at it isn’t exactly my cup of tea. I had no other choice but to not only sack it up, but give my analysis to what I would do differently if I were editing the production. Like “I would’ve have went to a POV shot of the gentleman’s taint getting tickled before having a slow transition to the good sir taking Gary Coleman’s forearm to the face.” Those 45 minutes of my personal Cockwork Orange were among the longest of my life.
And that was that. After 45 minutes of making my parents proud, I received a handshake with a “we’ll be in touch shortly” and I was on my way. Whatever dignity I had left, which was minuscule at the time, was left in that office. The worst(?) part? They didn’t even bother reaching out to inform me I didn’t get the position. I had to email those fudgy bastards multiple times to make sure I wasn’t forgotten, which is awkward and degrading as fuck in general, let alone for a gay porn editor. Basically, I had to watch the And 1 Mix Tape of Anal without even getting a standard rejection email. That college diploma never looked so good.
TL;DR – I watched 45 minutes of men raping and pillaging each other’s assholes for a job I didn’t even get. What a grand existence I lead.