Mike Tyson Lost To Buster Douglas Cause He Was Slaying The Japanese Hotel Maids

OK, maybe Iron Mike didn’t lose because of this, but it definitely didn’t help. Tyson was a recluse in his prime and they decided to cage up the tiger. Instead of going out and getting fresh meat he desired he had to settle for second string, pixilated salami. If Tyson was able to be set [...]

OK, maybe Iron Mike didn’t lose because of this, but it definitely didn’t help. Tyson was a recluse in his prime and they decided to cage up the tiger. Instead of going out and getting fresh meat he desired he had to settle for second string, pixilated salami. If Tyson was able to be set free in Japan then Buster would have been TKO when the gloves tapped.

“I had to hit all the maids. And by hit them I mean have sex with the maids.” Nice to see Mike still has to clear things up like a parole officer is listening. BOOM.

By smitty posted March 6th, 2015 at 11:05 AM

Fake Navy Seal Gets Put In His Place By A Couple Of Army Rangers

Uh...I think this kid confused the Seals with his enrollment in ITT Tech.

“I was in the Navy Seals for one year.” Uh…I think this kid confused the Seals with his enrollment in ITT Tech. I’m no military historian but I’m not sure you can join up and drop out of Seal Team fucking 6 whenever you please. Not to mention he’s a douchemaster for bragging he’s waiting outside to get into a fight and wanting people to video said fistacuffs. This poof deserved his Army Ranger bitch slapping.

By smitty posted March 6th, 2015 at 10:15 AM

Flyers Decide To Wake Up In 3rd To Beat The Blues

These past 8 games have been very confusing to say the least.

flyers-blues-win
Flyers 3, Blues 1

Real quick, let’s just take a look at what the Flyers have been able to do over the past 8 games. Teams that they beat: Predators, Capitals, Rangers, Blues. Teams they lost to: Sabres, Hurricanes, Maple Leafs, Flames. Ummm okay? I’m not even going to try to sit here to make any sense of that because it’s just impossible. They are the most schizophrenic (pretty happy I spelled that right on the first try) team in the NHL and just seem to be constantly at war with themselves on who they want to be. But I guess it really wouldn’t be a Flyers team if that wasn’t the case, now would it? Now as for the game last night, it was one of the most boring games of hockey ever played through the first two periods. Luckily the fans who braved the winter storm to attend were treated with free hot dog sandwiches, pretzels and 50% off merch, or else I think they would have rioted. Anyway, I was thinking we could do this recap in two different parts. So I’m gonna let Spongebob take care of recapping what the Flyers did during the first 2 periods of the game right now. Spongebob?

spongebob-nothing

Thanks, Spongebob. Now moving on to the third period.

Another Day, Another Snipe From MDZ

At this point I think I’ve said everything I need to say about Michael Del Zotto. It’s about time that the rest of the city is finally coming around on him. The guy is just constantly looking to score and to make a play. Does that get him in some turnover trouble every now and then? Sure. But that’s just the price of war so deal with it. Via the Flyers beat writers, Del Zotto has 7 goals in his past 19 games. You know how many Giroux and Voracek have? 4 and 2 respectively. So yeah, when your best offensive weapon is #15 on the blueline, I’d appreciate if someone in management could finally pay the man.

Ryan White Has Actually Been Kinda Good?
ryan-white-tongue-out

Ryan White has been another pleasant little surprise so far this season. Almost to the point where I kind of wish he had been in the line up a little earlier. I’ll admit that I wasn’t huge on Ryan White before he made his first appearances so you can call me an idiot all you want for that one. But I love the way he plays. He’s gritty but can actually get himself into positions where he gets some legitimate scoring chances. He’s not constantly taking himself out of the play to try to make an ill-timed hit that ends up resulting in a penalty. He’s a much better version of Zac Rinaldo, and I just don’t understand what the point is of having both of them in the lineup at the same time. Give us Laughton again for the love of god.

The Other Guys

- Wayne Simmonds potted home another goal. That gives him 26 on the year so far. Choo Choo, bitches.

- Can we please get Giroux and Voracek back on the same line? This team is excruciatingly boring to watch when they are broken up on two separate lines. Make it happen, Berube.

- Steve Mason is still good at hockey. For everyone keeping track of that at home.

- Flyers vs. B’s @ 1 pm on Saturday. Should be a doozy.

By jordie posted March 6th, 2015 at 9:35 AM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Jordana

  Introducing Jordana from FIDM via Philly. Great way to wrap up the week, straight fire. Send in your smoke nominations to phillytips@barstoolsports.com or on Twitter @muntbarstool

jo1

 
Introducing Jordana from FIDM via Philly. Great way to wrap up the week, straight fire.

Send in your smoke nominations to phillytips@barstoolsports.com or on Twitter @muntbarstool

Read the rest of this entry »

By munt posted March 5th, 2015 at 5:30 PM

Porn Stars Ride Mechanical Bulls Better Than Anyone Else

When you straddle things for a living then you've got the ultimate advantage.


 
When you straddle things for a living then you’ve got the ultimate advantage. These gals were born to ride. Giddy up.

This takes me back to the time the mechanical bull at PBR in Xfinity rejected the beast from it’s hide.

 

 
That wasn’t the first time she tried to conquer and subsequently eat a literal bull. This broad may have a fairy tale wedding in the near future with invitations that will inevitably be inscribed with “Tyler Perry Presents…”

By smitty posted March 5th, 2015 at 4:55 PM

NY Reporter Says With “100% Certainty” If Mariota Falls To #6 The Jets Will Trade The Pick To The Eagles

This is going to be an excruciating 2 months.

eagles

METRO – If Marcus Mariota is available at No. 6 in next month’s NFL Draft, he likely will be taken. But a league source said the Jets, in desperate need for a quarterback, won’t be selecting the former Oregon QB there and that the Eagles and Jets would make a trade if the scenario plays out. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a highly-placed league source termed a potential marriage between Mariota, the Heisman and Maxwell Award winner after a stunning 2014 season, and the Jets as “highly unlikely.”

“Philadelphia would make that move and pay that price. We’re talking multiple picks and a player,” the source said. “The Jets would be open to moving the pick and the Eagles have internally prepared to move up in the draft. There are contingencies in place and they know that Marcus is that perfect fit.”

Of course, Mariota played under now Eagles head coach Chip Kelly before Kelly left for the NFL in 2013. Given his obvious familiarity with the Eagles’ offense, Mariota would walk into Philadelphia as the likely starting quarterback of the Eagles come Week 1.

The source said with “100 percent certainty” that if Mariota is available at No. 6 it will be the Eagles, and not the Jets, who will be picking at that spot.

This is going to be an excruciating 2 months.
 
Would this be a good move? Absolutely. The Saints gave up two first round selections, basically the rest of their picks that same draft and a 3rd round pick the following year. If the Eagles traded two 1st rounders and a second along with Nick Foles then it’s an amazing deal. Instead of an arm and a leg you surrender some picks and a hefty hammer. However, this is yet ANOTHER sketchy report from people with “sources”. “100% certainty” my dick. No source says that unless they’re trying to get into some pants.

Yesterday, Mikey Missanelli (who degraded blogs last week for slinging mud) read aloud an email “from someone with sources” who claimed the Eagles are working out a deal to send Foles, picks 1, 2, 3 this year, picks 1, 2, 3 next year and selections 1 and 2 in 2017 to Tampa Bay for the #1 pick overall and Mike Evans. Now, I would jump on that bitch solely because Mike Evans is a certified BEAST. If he’s not top 5 in the league not then he will be this year. But, again, that’s just throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks. Let the smut blogs of the world worry about that, mainstream media.

The draft can’t come soon enough.

By smitty posted March 5th, 2015 at 3:55 PM

Ohio Man’s House Has Been Egged Over 100 Times In The Past Year

who-throws-an-egg

house-egging

EUCLID, OhioAn 85-year-old Euclid man’s home has become the target of mysterious egging attacks that began in March 2014 and haven’t stopped. The continuous onslaught of eggs has baffled police, neighbors and local government officials who have tried and failed to identify the source of the attacks that have ruined the man’s home and kept his family on edge. “The accuracy is phenomenal,” Albert Clemens, Sr. said. “Because almost every time when it’s nice weather and they launch five or six of these at a time, they almost invariably hit the front door.” … The house has been pelted with eggs several times a week — sometimes more than once a day — for the past year. The attacks always happen after dark and last around 10 minutes each.

Euclid police have not taken the investigation lightly. They’ve spent a year doing undercover stakeouts, canvassing the neighborhood and even sending eggshells for testing.

Everyone had about a 2-week period in their life where egging people and places was a thing to do. The first time you went out egging was, at that moment in your life, probably the biggest adrenaline rush you had ever experienced. 2nd time out was still pretty fun and then after that, everyone kind of got tired of buying a dozen eggs every time you went out. But these go-hards in Ohio are in it for the long-haul and as much as I’d love to hate them for being a giant bag of dicks, I can at least appreciate their hustle. I know this dude is 85-years-old and probably doesn’t have much gas left in the tank, but if some punk ass bitches are egging your house for a year straight, you go out there and you find those fucking eggers. I don’t care what it takes. And how about the Euclid PD? Holy hell, guys. You’ve spent a YEAR doing undercover stakeouts and you still can’t find these little kids running around terrorizing the town with a pack of eggs? Unreal.

Related but unrelated: I’ve had this GIF saved for some reason and figure I’ll never have another reason to post it so whatever.

frank-reynolds-egg

By jordie posted March 5th, 2015 at 3:00 PM

There Is No Doubt In My Mind Jerry Jones Bought Dez Bryant’s Rumored Tape

The greatest trick Jerry Jones ever pulled was convincing the world the tape didn't exist.

dez

Think back to a week ago. Talk of this thing was EVERYWHERE from your average smut blogs to NFL Insiders. For as much as we rag on Lil’ Shefty, him saying he’s been working on this case since September leads me to believe at least something was out there. Sure, he said he hasn’t actually seen the tape, but there’s no reason he would even throw out the inclination of something unless there was fire to go along with the smoke.

Now people are saying the tape never existed at all. Lord, it’s a miracle! Tape up and vanished like a fart in the wind. Maybe the video never did exist, but Dez going on the offensive right away when the rumors starting flowing makes me think otherwise. Why would he speak up in reference to the rumor if there was nothing to defend to begin with? Exactly. Somebody swiped in and got their fingers on the video. Somebody with the means, power and will to keep the damn thing quiet.

We all know if such a video exists and Jerry Jones COULD get his greedy hooves on the tape, he 10000% would. It wouldn’t shock me if he dropped over 7 figures. The man craves power and control he’d have Dez’s balls in a vice at that point. I can see the conversation clear as day: “Hey, boy, you’re taking the franchise tag and a hometown discount after or I’m letting loose this little fella and your playing days are over. Now go fetch me a switch to go along with some Glory Hole.”

If it really exists, that VHS tape is now hidden deep in Jerry’s Cave Of Wonders or Chris Christie’s fupa, which quite possibly may be the same thing. The greatest trick Jerry Jones ever pulled was convincing the world the tape didn’t exist.

By smitty posted March 5th, 2015 at 2:05 PM
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