Show yourself, you coward. The amount of rage I have towards assholes like this knows no bounds. It is absolutely barbaric to give anything a Golden Shower in a public stall except for the toilet or Ke$ha. There are people desperate enough to take a shit at a 7-11 and the last thing they need is to be consumed in a valley of urine. And it’s even worse for the poor souls who make $6.50 an hour to clean the mess up. Enough is enough. We must find this person and give him the full on William Wallace treatment he deserves. Even then it still may not be enough.
A Friendly Reminder That People Who Comment On Internet Porn Are The Most Bizarre Creatures On Earth
Like most people, I’ll take the occasional trip down to PornHub (or whatever pornog site you frequent) just to see what’s going on. To see what the whole “porn” thing is about that I hear people talking about all the time. And while I’m there, I like to see what type of raving reviews the other pornography viewers are giving the videos at hand. This may come as a surprise to some, but Barstool is not the only site in America that has a comment section. And let me make this clear, the porn commenting community is filled with some of the most bizarro human beings on god’s green earth. So let’s check in on what they’ve been saying lately.
KOOLTOZE really knows how to paint a picture in your mind with those delightful adjective choices.
Seriously, da fuq? If you’re gonna be fucking your sister, at least have some hot beats going on in the background. None of this Nightmare Before Christmas shit.
Well it looks like we’ve finally found Gerry Hamilton’s Pornhub account.
Literally the corniest thing I’ve ever heard someone say. If she’s laughing at a gigantic cock, I don’t even wanna know how she’d react to my less than less than average cock.
Hilarious. 10/10. Would read again.
Just needed to add this one in here because of my hatred for Lisa Ann. You put Michael Del Zotto on blast, I boycott your adult movies. End of story.
Yes, of course. I didn’t even know there was a way to interpret that statement in a way that wasn’t meant to be respectful.
Sooo jayman333 is a pedo. Good to know.
Now I’m starving for Qdoba.
Last one here but who the hell decides to go to PornHub and write an entire thesis paper on Mia Khalifa? “Ostensibly”, “Bewilders”, “Pretty normal white bitch”. Who uses words like that in everyday life? Psychopaths. That’s who.
So there we have it. During the entire time it takes these people to create a Pornhub account, log into said account, write out a comment and then hit “enter”, not once did they think to themselves that maybe they didn’t have to comment on porn today. And that’s awesome. Because the world needs freaks. And if it weren’t for these freaks, well then what would that make all of us?
Hope none of you saw your username pop up on any of these comments and if you did, time to reevaluate your life. And if you ever find any good comments along your travels, feel free to tweet them to me @BarstoolJordie.
Google’s Cute Animal Commercial Has NOTHING To Do With The Android But I Might Have To Get One Now Anyways
Almost rushed out the door to get the latest (probably better) phone nobody wants. Wait, I already have an Android? FUCK. That’s what happens when your iPhone 4s shits itself and there’s only one upgrade available that doesn’t cost an arm and a nut. Regardless, this ad is adorable. Segregation in the Animal Kingdom needs to stop. I don’t care if most of these guys should be eating one another in order to survive. The cuteness potential of a turtle riding a pooch goosing a tiger is off the charts. Also, I need a monkey more than I need to breathe. Those things are adorable and won’t judge when you scoop peanut butter with your bare hands. A win-win over women any day of the week.
Philly Burger Joint Has A Groupon Good For A Burger & Fries A Day Over An Entire Year For $144 ($4,380 Value)
Groupon – The Deal: $144 for one burger a day for a year ($4,380 value). Valid at the Philadelphia location (beginning the date of purchase) and the New York City location (starting on the grand opening of the location in July of 2015). Includes fries.
So this is coming from PYT, or most famously the hipster dufus spot in Philly that publicized Lesean McCoy’s shit tip to the moon and back (Again, I never condoned Shady for being a dick, but this damn place and its owner wouldn’t let it go and squeezed as much publicity and personal gain as possible out of the situation).
But I’ll tell you what, THIS is a fucking bargain. I may hate PYT but just as Charles Barkley said “If they paid me enough, I’d work for the Klan”, if the deal is good enough, I’ll dine with the devil. However, the combination of Egg Nog season and not seeing the sun for days at a time has put my body in a very, very bad place. From the Wing Bowl video I discovered the camera can’t even add 10 pounds to a face that’s already 40 lbs overweight. If I do purchase this deal it very well may kill me. If he dies, he dies, but I at least want to give myself a fighting chance. But I know I have absolutely no self control. So please, someone interfere and save Smitty. Or least give me an honorable death, a soldier’s death either by sword or Sugarhouse. It’s either I die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain, and Jabba The Hut I will become. Then promptly keel over.
“Surrender your souls at the door, ladies and gentleman. For you are a Philadelphia fan.”
And that’s that. Ever wonder what degenerates in a currently cold and heartless city do at 4 am on a weekday? Wonder no more. For this is the annual Wing Bowl in South Philadelphia. Our horse Skin & Bones stumbled, there was multiple vomits shown on the Jumbotron and Mick Foley pulled an Irish exit before anyone could even think about asking him if his daughter was there. Good times had by some. And yes, I am aware, my face and heavy breathing are both getting wayyyy out of hand. Egg Nog season may be over but don’t tell that to the gallons still left in my arteries. Still worth it.
Centrifugal force. So gosh darn hot right now. The Flyers could really use someone with a pair of mitts like that for shootouts. Those idiots dropped another shootout loss last night against the Isles (#NoNoNo) and aside from Simmonds, it looked like everyone decided to fill their gloves up with cement. But apparently there’s this sauce wizard who has been hiding out in the deserts of Arizona. The trade deadline is quickly approaching so hopefully Hextall pulls the trigger soon.
P.S. – As far as hockey trick shots are concerned, this video is tops. When I end up leaving the bar alone (which for some reason seems to be every time), I go home and throw this bad boy on. Definitely better than sex.
Looks like The Fappening didn’t curb anyone’s stride. I’m not sure, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I think I see…a nipple. And here I thought Vanity Fair was a moral, upstanding publication. How dare they allow little brown circular protuberances to be seen. My gosh. Seriously though, and I’m not complaining, but they photoshopped enough in this pic already. They couldn’t have the snake getting a lunch in to cover it up? Would have been the best meal for a snake since Ice Cube.
UPDATE: SO I’m the hungover moron who wanted to see a nipple so bad he got tricked into seeing an optical illusion of her elbow. So be it. The Flyers lost another shootout, Ruben Amaro won’t even be evaluated for another 7 years and the pasta well has finally gone dry. Let me live in my alternate reality. You wanna see her nip? Go pay homage to Spooky Ghost.
— Flyers Nation (@FlyersNation) February 6, 2015
POW! Just because this team has a -84% chance at making the playoffs doesn’t mean they can’t fight for their right to hockey. White should have saved that power punch for Crosby.
These kids are skating their nuts off as they’ve won their last 4…but even after capturing a possible 8/8 points they’ve only increased 2 points in the standings. So, yeah, they might have to break the nose and/or kisser of every player that comes their way to make a legit run.