Evan Turner Should Be Cut Immediately For Running Out Of Gas In His Ferrari On The Freeway

If you're a male and have working gas gauge there's no excuse to have the tank run dry.

Unacceptable. If you’re a male and have working gas gauge there’s no excuse to have the tank go bone dry. None. If Evan Turner can’t be counted on to fill up his car then he can’t be trusted to put on his own pants let alone dominate on the court. Running out of fuel is a level of incompetence rarely seen in today’s world. Almost as infrequent as a 2nd pick overall being classified as a bust only 4 years into his career. Good thing the Sixers got rid of him when they did.

The only time it’s acceptable for a man to run out of gas is when you’re testing the car Gods and seeing how far that needle can venture to the right. At that point it’s all up to fate.

By smitty posted June 24th, 2014 at 11:15 AM

Wait, The Sixers Are Really Adding Ben Franklin To Their Logo? Is This A Joke?

Cute.

This is our stupid, possibly brand new (secondary) logo. This thing is so damn stupid that I’m basically flabbergasted that somebody thought of this idea and said “hell yeah, great idea let’s move on this bad guy.” Just not sure what a new Benjamin Franklin logo does for us.

Anyway, The Sixers, man. Quite possibly the only team in sports that somehow finds themselves increasingly more intriguing than ever yet strikingly more irrelevant all at the same time (the Jets…?). We have all these draft picks, a shit ton of hope, and a ton of room to fuck all that up. Let’s give Ben Franklin a conniving, shit grin that depicts him running, grinning, waving, galloping, and possibly sharting, all in one snap shot, greeeaaatt idea! It’s allllll fun and games for Sam Hinkie and crew in the office these days. It’s like they’re all lighting up playing 2k around a bag of chips and a six pack except actually the EXACT opposite. Instead of rigging your team to be the best by turning off the computer trade settings, Hinkie’s turned off the trade settings and is sabotaging his OWN team! No worries though, 2017 is only 20 minutes away in simulation mode. Can’t help but respect his collective hustle to make the Sixers the laughing stock of the NBA. Next step, trade our rookie of the year because that only makes so much sense in Hinkie’s ever-lasting trade machine of magical bewilderment. Maybe we can make 32 trades on draft night and then we’ll get Wiggins?

Hinkie’s crew and I were already on Mars after the Jrue Holiday deal, but we’re all about to be in another universe by the time this years draft is over. My God. i am fully expecting a trade parade all over Brooklyn on Thursday. Hey Ben, pass the fuckin’ rock bro, I’m all in. In fact, I personally would have thrown a “Give me Wiggins, or Give Me Death” Slogan over the Ben Franklin creation, much more patriotic and much more straightforward, Sam.

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UPDATE Editor’s Note: Yeah, they’re not using it. Kind of think it’s a sweet second logo. Minus the syphilis.

By steveoooo posted June 24th, 2014 at 10:10 AM

Deion Sanders And His Son Had The Ultimate Father/Son Experience Last Night

Nothing says male bonding more than cleansing the colon.

What did you do with your father growing up to establish manhood? Go to a baseball game? Maybe a camping trip? Work on a car and just argue the entire time? Well, that sort of soft stuff doesn’t fly in the Sanders household. And nothing says male bonding more than cleansing the colon. Getting water flushed up your pooper at Mach-5 speed then having shit fly out like the Hoover Dam has been breached is an experience that will make the tamest boy into the manliest man.

Leon Sandcastle also likes a clean colon. Or so I’ve heard.

By smitty posted June 24th, 2014 at 9:40 AM

Hide Yo Daughters, Hide Yo Wife! Pat The Bat Is In Philly Tonight!

That purple polo is dripping sex.
patthebat

CSN - A couple of old friends helped Jimmy Rollins celebrate his new title. Former Phillies Pat Burrell, Marlon Anderson, Mike Lieberthal and Bobby Abreu were on hand prior to Monday’s game against Miami for a ceremony honoring Rollins’ status as the Phillies’ new hits leader. All wore Phillies jerseys, including Abreu, who is currently roaming the outfield for the Mets. A collection of athletes and celebrities, including LeSean McCoy, Derek Jeter and Charles Barkley, also congratulated Rollins in a video tribute. The Phillies awarded Rollins and his wife Johari with matching Gucci luggage and an all-expenses paid trip to Italy.

So many questions, so little time. 1st off, Abreu STILL plays for the Mets so A) Why/How is he in Philly tonight honoring Rollins? And B) Why does he look like he should be managing a tamale stand at a back alley cockfight? Also, that was the first time I’ve even thought of Mike Liebrethal and Marlon Anderson in a good 10 years. Actually half surprised Marlon is still alive to be honest with you. Finally, it’s nice to see they rewarded Jimmy and his wife with a sweet $10K+ worth of luggage and Italian adventure. Always brings a smile to my face when millionaires are given free things.

But the fact of the matter is (other than the Phillies being shut out at home AGAIN), Burrell is back in town and will be taking no prisoners. Hide any woman you don’t want seeded planted in tonight, because Pat The Bat is on the loose. That purple polo is dripping sex. Hopefully we’ll hear of a couple new legends before he skips town along with a new batch of paternity suits. Don’t be nervous…You’re about to fuck Pat The Bat.

Odds on where you can find Pat Burrell tonight:

Manayunk: 10/1

Irish Pub: 5/1

Your Girlfriend’s Bed: 1/1000

By smitty posted June 23rd, 2014 at 10:10 PM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Sarah

Introducing Sarah from Temple. Nice to have a blonde sweetheart checking in from North Philly to start off our week. Always a good call. WE NEED SMOKES!!! The Summertime well is running dry. Send in all nominations to Phillytips@barstoolsports.com and remember all Smokes get in for free to the Barstool Fcking Foam Party on July [...]

Introducing Sarah from Temple. Nice to have a blonde sweetheart checking in from North Philly to start off our week. Always a good call.

WE NEED SMOKES!!! The Summertime well is running dry. Send in all nominations to Phillytips@barstoolsports.com and remember all Smokes get in for free to the Barstool Fcking Foam Party on July 12. Get your tix HERE.

By smitty posted June 23rd, 2014 at 5:30 PM

Goodnight, Sweet Hartsy

Philly guy through and through.

Farewell to a good (not overly great) player, and a better person. The dude did a LOT of charitable work around the city. He also had a knack for finding the net when he wasn’t on his ass, too, which was nice. One thing’s for damn sure, Hartsy was a Philly guy through and through and his overall character will be missed.

Goodbye with quite possibly the worst song since Soulja Boy last graced the studio:

By smitty posted June 23rd, 2014 at 4:30 PM

Portugal Might Have Ripped Our Hearts Out But At Least We Don’t Have Fans Who Are Creepy As Fuck

You're scaring the children.

Yo bro. You’re scaring the children. It’s a combination of Lurch and George W. staring directly into the soul, and for some reason it’s hilarious. Rocking the dirt farmer hunchback or whatever they do for food look in Portugal. Regardless, take this quarter. Go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face. Good day to you, sir.

Screw the creep glare, this is how you intimidate at the World Cup. The Buck Stops Here, Bull Moose Party style:

By smitty posted June 23rd, 2014 at 3:45 PM

Wawa Hoagiefest Is Back, Bitches!

Long live Wawa Hoagiefest and the inner joy it for some reason brings into my empty life.
hoagiefest

Wawa – June 23 to August 24, $4.79 on all classic hoagies plus other specials.

First off, the 2014 Hoagiefest song again deserves to be #1 on the charts. Not since the Beatles has something churned out hit after hit, year after year.

Hoagiefest is back and you’re not going to get more bang for your buck anywhere than Wawa. They’re switching it up this season by going with discounted Classic hoagies instead of a dollar off a different Shorti every week. So is Hoagiefest essentially a brilliant marketing campaign that only saves the average customer a couple cents? You’re damn right. But every Summer the fest has become as much as a Philly staple as Wooder Ice, the shore and being out of the playoff race by the All-Star Break (2007-2011, withstanding). So long live Wawa Hoagiefest and the inner joy it for some reason brings into my empty life.

SMITTY’S GO-TO WAWA HOAGIE:

Classic roll. Honey Maple Turkey. Oil (FUCK mayonensisssee). Spicy mustard (when in the mood). Provolone. Lettuce. Tomatoes. Hot Peppers. Salt. Pepper. Done. Anything less, would be uncivilized.

BONUS: Again, Wawa Hoagiefest jams are infinity times better than anything on the radio at any given time outside of Bruce. If you don’t bob your head to then you’re either dead already or a soulless asshole. Pure bliss.

By smitty posted June 23rd, 2014 at 3:15 PM
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