By Far The Worst Parallel Parking Attempt In Human History Taking You Into The Weekend

Good. Lord.

Good. Lord. I know this is old but it’s the first time I’ve ever gotten mad over a freaking YouTube video. 14 minutes of pure infuriating, insufferable pain for those forced to watch. I’m surprised the car just didn’t want to kill itself and explode after about 7 minutes of dealing with that shit.

Let’s have a weekend.

By smitty posted February 6th, 2015 at 5:55 PM

Netflix Is Making A Live Action Series Of “The Legend Of Zelda”

Yes, yes, yes, yes and YES!

zel

UPROXXThe video streaming service is in the early stages of developing a live action series based on “Zelda,” about an ordinary boy named Link who must rescue a princess named Zelda and save a fantasy world called Hyrule, said a person familiar with the matter. As it seeks writers to work on the show, Netflix is describing it as “Game of Thrones” for a family audience, this person said.

Yes, yes, yes, yes and YES! The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time is hands down the greatest video game ever created. The fact they haven’t made a series/movie about it yet is a crime against humanity. There is no reason why it has taken this long. The action is there, plot is perfect, the characters are great. Plus Hyrule is a Jewish enough sounding of a name to make Hollywood happy. Make it happen, baby.

The only thing I’m concerned about is it not living up to expectations. There are so many memories that I couldn’t put at risk of being tainted. I had a better relationship with Epona than I did with my own family. I considered playing the Ocarina an actual musical feat. Finally defeating Shadow Link in the Water Temple is legitimately top 5 moments of my childhood. One of the best battles in video game history. So many cherished moments. Also, the Water Temple can go straight to fucking hell. There were more walls punched and cats thrown because of that maze of watered down dick than I can fathom.

By smitty posted February 6th, 2015 at 5:25 PM

Friday Afternoon GIF City

Tis almost the end.
giffy

 
This is our brand, spanking new feature on Friday afternoons in 2015. If you’re stuck in front of the computer at this point you deserve the most mindless, enjoyable material to help pass the time. So here it is: 10 or so random GIFS from the Internets to put the mind at ease for a couple minutes. Simple as that. Could be hot, funny, painful, new, old – whatever works. Enjoy.

Read the rest of this entry »

By smitty posted February 6th, 2015 at 4:20 PM

This Guy Who Pisses Over EVERYTHING In A Public Stall Needs To Be Found, Drawn And Quartered

YOU KNOW WE ARE LIVING IN A SOCIETY.

 
Show yourself, you coward. The amount of rage I have towards assholes like this knows no bounds. It is absolutely barbaric to give anything a Golden Shower in a public stall except for the toilet or Ke$ha. There are people desperate enough to take a shit at a 7-11 and the last thing they need is to be consumed in a valley of urine. And it’s even worse for the poor souls who make $6.50 an hour to clean the mess up. Enough is enough. We must find this person and give him the full on William Wallace treatment he deserves. Even then it still may not be enough.

By smitty posted February 6th, 2015 at 3:30 PM

A Friendly Reminder That People Who Comment On Internet Porn Are The Most Bizarre Creatures On Earth

Not that that should come as a surprise to many of you.

cotw

Like most people, I’ll take the occasional trip down to PornHub (or whatever pornog site you frequent) just to see what’s going on. To see what the whole “porn” thing is about that I hear people talking about all the time. And while I’m there, I like to see what type of raving reviews the other pornography viewers are giving the videos at hand. This may come as a surprise to some, but Barstool is not the only site in America that has a comment section. And let me make this clear, the porn commenting community is filled with some of the most bizarro human beings on god’s green earth. So let’s check in on what they’ve been saying lately.

bad-adjectives

KOOLTOZE really knows how to paint a picture in your mind with those delightful adjective choices.

da-fuq

Seriously, da fuq? If you’re gonna be fucking your sister, at least have some hot beats going on in the background. None of this Nightmare Before Christmas shit.

dawsons-tweet

Well it looks like we’ve finally found Gerry Hamilton’s Pornhub account.

funny-cock

Literally the corniest thing I’ve ever heard someone say. If she’s laughing at a gigantic cock, I don’t even wanna know how she’d react to my less than less than average cock.

horny-jay

Hilarious. 10/10. Would read again.

lisa-ann

Just needed to add this one in here because of my hatred for Lisa Ann. You put Michael Del Zotto on blast, I boycott your adult movies. End of story.

mean-beast

Yes, of course. I didn’t even know there was a way to interpret that statement in a way that wasn’t meant to be respectful.

pedo-jay

Sooo jayman333 is a pedo. Good to know.

pussy-burrito

Now I’m starving for Qdoba.

thesis-paper

Last one here but who the hell decides to go to PornHub and write an entire thesis paper on Mia Khalifa? “Ostensibly”, “Bewilders”, “Pretty normal white bitch”. Who uses words like that in everyday life? Psychopaths. That’s who.

So there we have it. During the entire time it takes these people to create a Pornhub account, log into said account, write out a comment and then hit “enter”, not once did they think to themselves that maybe they didn’t have to comment on porn today. And that’s awesome. Because the world needs freaks. And if it weren’t for these freaks, well then what would that make all of us?

Hope none of you saw your username pop up on any of these comments and if you did, time to reevaluate your life. And if you ever find any good comments along your travels, feel free to tweet them to me @BarstoolJordie.

By jordie posted February 6th, 2015 at 2:30 PM

Google’s Cute Animal Commercial Has NOTHING To Do With The Android But I Might Have To Get One Now Anyways

Wait, I already have an Android? FUCK.

Almost rushed out the door to get the latest (probably better) phone nobody wants. Wait, I already have an Android? FUCK. That’s what happens when your iPhone 4s shits itself and there’s only one upgrade available that doesn’t cost an arm and a nut. Regardless, this ad is adorable. Segregation in the Animal Kingdom needs to stop. I don’t care if most of these guys should be eating one another in order to survive. The cuteness potential of a turtle riding a pooch goosing a tiger is off the charts. Also, I need a monkey more than I need to breathe. Those things are adorable and won’t judge when you scoop peanut butter with your bare hands. A win-win over women any day of the week.

By smitty posted February 6th, 2015 at 1:40 PM

Philly Burger Joint Has A Groupon Good For A Burger & Fries A Day Over An Entire Year For $144 ($4,380 Value)

If he dies, he dies.

pyt

Groupon – The Deal: $144 for one burger a day for a year ($4,380 value). Valid at the Philadelphia location (beginning the date of purchase) and the New York City location (starting on the grand opening of the location in July of 2015). Includes fries.

So this is coming from PYT, or most famously the hipster dufus spot in Philly that publicized Lesean McCoy’s shit tip to the moon and back (Again, I never condoned Shady for being a dick, but this damn place and its owner wouldn’t let it go and squeezed as much publicity and personal gain as possible out of the situation).

But I’ll tell you what, THIS is a fucking bargain. I may hate PYT but just as Charles Barkley said “If they paid me enough, I’d work for the Klan”, if the deal is good enough, I’ll dine with the devil. However, the combination of Egg Nog season and not seeing the sun for days at a time has put my body in a very, very bad place. From the Wing Bowl video I discovered the camera can’t even add 10 pounds to a face that’s already 40 lbs overweight. If I do purchase this deal it very well may kill me. If he dies, he dies, but I at least want to give myself a fighting chance. But I know I have absolutely no self control. So please, someone interfere and save Smitty. Or least give me an honorable death, a soldier’s death either by sword or Sugarhouse. It’s either I die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain, and Jabba The Hut I will become. Then promptly keel over.

By smitty posted February 6th, 2015 at 1:00 PM

Smitty Does The 2015 Wing Bowl

"Surrender your souls at the door, ladies and gentleman. For you are a Philadelphia fan."


 

“Surrender your souls at the door, ladies and gentleman. For you are a Philadelphia fan.”

And that’s that. Ever wonder what degenerates in a currently cold and heartless city do at 4 am on a weekday? Wonder no more. For this is the annual Wing Bowl in South Philadelphia. Our horse Skin & Bones stumbled, there was multiple vomits shown on the Jumbotron and Mick Foley pulled an Irish exit before anyone could even think about asking him if his daughter was there. Good times had by some. And yes, I am aware, my face and heavy breathing are both getting wayyyy out of hand. Egg Nog season may be over but don’t tell that to the gallons still left in my arteries. Still worth it.

Big time gracias to @Barstoolfranco and @BarstoolJordie for their camerawork. photography and hair.

By smitty posted February 6th, 2015 at 11:30 AM
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