Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Around Barstool

Kim Jong-Un Forces All Male Students In North Korea To Get His ‘Dear Leader’ Haircut

It's scary to imagine an entire nation of men harnessing the terrifying powers of the Dear Leader haircut.
kimDear Leader cut

DMKim Jong-Un is forcing all male students in North Korea to get the same haircut – his own. About two weeks ago, the government announced that the only haircut allowed would be the Dear Leader haircut favoured by Kim Jong-Un. Taking the ‘short back and sides’ to the extreme, the Dear Leader is a shaved undercut and floppy curtains. According to local media, the style is more commonly associated with Chinese smugglers, rather than the nation’s leader. ‘Until the mid-2000s, we called it the “Chinese smuggler haircut”,’ the Korea Times writes. Our leader’s haircut is very particular, if you will,’ one source told Radio Free Asia. ‘It doesn’t always go with everyone since everyone has different face and head shapes.’ The new hair regulation is a further trim on previous rules, which saw men forced to choose between ten different styles. Women were spoiled with a full 18 haircuts to choose from.

Let’s face it — facts is facts. Can’t argue against clear visual evidence. This haircut is obviously the best haircut in the world. Took me from “Pathetic American Internet Worker” to “Unstoppable Force Of Productivity and Feminine Attraction” in one quick Photoshop. It’s scary to imagine an entire nation of men harnessing the terrifying powers of the Dear Leader haircut. President Obama might as well start negotiating the sale of America now since I’m not sure any of our women will want to reproduce with us when they know that millions of these haircuts are walking the earth. Millions of militaristic, closed-minded, poor tiny-penised men with THESE haircuts? It’s almost too much for a lady to handle.

Dear Leader done did it again. Pyongyang is your new style/sex capital of the world.

By maurice posted March 26th, 2014 at 10:16 AM

The Eagles Are Now Reportedly Shopping Pro Bowl G Evan Mathis Because Apparently Chip Kelly Only Wants To Coach On All-Madden

Chip can throw up 40 points with me at slot receiver. The man doesn't care.
mathis rock

philly.comAdd another Pro Bowler to the list of players the Eagles are reportedly shopping. Guard Evan Mathis has been placed on the market, according to NFL sources, who confirmed an NFL Network report Wednesday morning. Mathis, who was voted first team All Pro by the Associated Press last season, wants a new contract, according to a source close to the situation. His agent, Drew Rosenhaus, approached the Eagles about a new deal and the team responded by suggested a trade, the source said. Eagles coach Chip Kelly said that Mathis had not conveyed to him that he wanted a new deal. Mathis signed a five-year, $25 million contract in March 2012 and is slated to earn $5.15 million in 2014. Factoring in signing bonuses, he was the 14th highest-paid guard in the NFL before the start of free agency.

Chip Kelly spent an hour yesterday “answering” question after question about the DeSean Jackson trade speculation and the team as a whole –

 

– now this morning it turns out Evan Mathis may be closer to leaving the team than Jaccpot.

Gotta be honest when I say I’m starting to love this. Chip is a players’ coach, sure, but he’s also making it apparent that he and Howie take absolutely zero shit. You don’t hang around the facility during the off season, you’re on the trading block. You want more money, you’re on the trading block. Crack a joke about Chip being one grey wig away from totally pulling off the grandmother look, trading block. Chip Kelly has the secret to offensive football in his brain and can put up numbers with me playing slot receiver. The man has no problem setting the difficulty to All-Madden and still throwing up 40 points with backup players. Get out of line and you’re on another team.

Evan Mathis is one of the best (and strongest) guards in the league, but even an outstanding player with a manageable cap figure can get traded. Chip & Howie are collecting players with a specific mindset and are happy to show everyone else the door.

RESPECT.

PS – DeSean’s an idiot if he thinks they still won’t deal him.

By maurice posted March 26th, 2014 at 9:40 AM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Brooke

Introducing Brooke from University Of Pennsylvania. The Ivy League returns to the Smoke standings with some first class heat. Have no choice not to love it. Hopefully the Quakers step it up with more Smokes in the near future to outdo their Big 5 counterparts. NEED MORE SMOKES!!! Send the Facebook links of nominations to [...]

Introducing Brooke from University Of Pennsylvania. The Ivy League returns to the Smoke standings with some first class heat. Have no choice not to love it. Hopefully the Quakers step it up with more Smokes in the near future to outdo their Big 5 counterparts.

NEED MORE SMOKES!!! Send the Facebook links of nominations to Phillytips@barstoolsports.com

Also, the Barstool Blackout tour returns to Philly on April 25. Click here and get your tix now before it sells out. ALL SMOKESHOWS GET IN FOR FREE.

By smitty posted March 25th, 2014 at 5:45 PM

Every Home In America Should Have A Set Of Apocalypse Knives

The type of knives you can almost bring to a gun fight.

The type of knives you can almost bring to a gun fight. Everything from soda cans to decapitated pig heads have no shot when these overweight, middle-aged men protect their homes during the apocalypse. Any knife that can slice a man in two at the torso AND properly cut watermelon from a distance is certifiably apocalypse proof. Can’t even imagine if I had access to this product and fat guy video when selling those bullshit Cutco knives door to door over college breaks. Would be a billionaire instead of still ducking my Uncle in fear he wants his money back from when those fuckers split in two while cutting butter.

Need a Mortal Kombat-like battle between these hard on’s vs. the Sun Tzu of YouTube cutters, the Fat Ninja Water Bottle Destroyer. Round 1, FIGHT:

By smitty posted March 25th, 2014 at 5:20 PM

So This Is The 2-Minute Horror Short That Is Scaring The Pants Off Of The Internet

Get scared, go under the covers. Everyone knows you're as invincible as Superman under there.

I like me a good horror film, when they’re well made. Unfortunately nothing has really been anything worth getting it up for in the past couple years. I’m talking The Shining and The Exorcist levels of scary. A few flicks have been given good reviews, but then again the scariest part about The Conjuring was watching Peter from Office Space struggle living with 6 women. I guess The Ring, 28 Days Later and Insidious are recent and decent horror films, but this 2-minute dingy hits the spot. Short, sweet and freaky. Expect it to be picked up by the same money hungry assbags who do Saw and Paranormal Activity for millions and be made into a 2.5 hour film that goes more nowhere than a Malaysian flight.

Get scared, go under the covers. Everyone knows you’re as invincible as Superman under there. Adult Kid logic 101. Screw it, tactic works beautifully for adults, too. Heard a noise coming from the closet the other night and those blankets covered my head so fast you would’ve thought my hair was on fire. There are no Atheists in foxholes or beneath the covers.

By smitty posted March 25th, 2014 at 3:45 PM

Heads Up, Philly: There’s A Gang Of Teenage Girls Smashing People In The Face With Bricks [UPDATE]

BRICK SQUAAAAAAAAD!
brick squad

brick

CBSDetectives with the Philadelphia Police Department have released surveillance video in hopes that the public can help identify the group of teenage girls that hit a 19-year-old woman in the face with a brick as she walked with her boyfriend. Authorities say the woman was walking with her boyfriend on Norris Street around 6 p.m. on Friday when four girls, believed to be between 16 and 17-years-old, approached from behind. One of the girls hit the victim in the face with a brick at the intersection of 17th and Norris Streets, while the three other girls tried to rob the victim’s boyfriend. After the attack, the suspects ran and were last seen boarding a SEPTA bus headed south on 17th Street. The victim was taken to Hahnemann University Hospital where she was treated for dislocated teeth and other injuries to her face.

BRICK SQUAAAAAAAAD!

Ain’t nothing funny about you and your boyfriend getting hit the face with a brick and robbed by a gang of teenage girls…except, you know, that sentence describing what happened. Sick world we live in where simple intimidation and/or pretending to have a gun aren’t enough to get what you want. Absolutely no need for folks to resort to brick-on-face violence. It’s 2014. If you want the dude’s iPad, just take the dude’s iPad. You’re a gang of ratchet bitches from North Philly and they’re college students. They’ll literally just hand the shit over to you.

Time to take a stand against brick violence, Philadelphia.

UPDATE:

By maurice posted March 25th, 2014 at 2:45 PM

Look Out America, A New Sex Icon Is Rising The Ranks

This head is already big enough to expand for any ego.
tindertrain

Uh-oh. All aboard the Tinder Train! Choo-choo motherfuckers!!! This head is already big enough to expand for any ego. Might pop like a balloon once this becomes a regular thing. Doesn’t matter if it’s limited to a herd of Philly 6′s (NY 4, LA 2, Miss Detroit) on Tinder. The heart wants what it wants.* But what irks me is pretty boy Utley’s name is ahead of mine. Sure he may be a do-good professional athlete with movie star looks, but has he recovered from a haircut that mad him look like a little penis with a hat on or be chivalrous enough to create a batch Pruno in his bathtub for a date night? I think not. He may have millions but I have the heart.

Plus Kacie McDonnell knows the truth, even if the best looking blogger at Barstool is equivalent to being the tallest midget in the circus. Tape don’t lie at 2:42:

*Anybody who views myself or any Barstool blogger in this light needs to take a serious look at themselves in the mirror and re-evaluate some things. That’s assuming they’re not blind already, which is a big assumption.

h/t Brett

By smitty posted March 25th, 2014 at 2:10 PM

DeSean Jackson To Teammates: Chip Kelly Said I Can Stay

Chip is a vengeful God, but also a merciful one.
desean chip

desean instagram2

“I SIT BAC & LAUGH AT THE REPORTS THAT COME OUT !! AT THE END OF THE DAY ITS ENTERTAINMENT GOTTA REMEMBER THAT !! NOT TRUE FACTS #10mode Got Much Love For All his Fans Regardless”

philly.comIn the latest twist of As DeSean Jackson Turns, the wide receiver called a few teammates on Tuesday morning to tell them he was staying with the Eagles a day after he spoke with coach Chip Kelly, a source close to the situation told The Inquirer. Early Tuesday morning Jackson posted the following on Instagram and Twitter with a picture of a laughing Kelly chasing him last season during practice with a paddle: “Good to Talk to BIg Chip today !! Say or hear what ya want !! The Picture speaks for itself !! Winner…” Kelly is scheduled to meet with reporters on Wednesday, but he and the organization appear to have had a chance of mind, unless Jackson misinterpreted his conversation with his coach. Kelly and Jackson had not spoken prior to the call since the end of the season, a source close to Jackson said.

Chip is a vengeful God, but also a merciful one. OR regardless of how much DeSean’s camp fake talked up New England/San Francisco/Seattle and the Eagles really talked to the Jets and Raiders, there just wasn’t a good enough deal out there to trade your best receiver.

If you’re the Eagles you’re going to have to eat that $10 million cap figure for this year and the fact that DeSean’s too small for a Chip Kelly WR and how he probably had a bunch of coke/guns/illegal Fabergé eggs stolen from his house that’ll pop up and become a big scandal down the road and just enjoy having your best big play threat on the field. If you’re DeSean you’re happy to be back on the team you want to play for and glad to see all of the money you were promised.

In the end if nothing else happens this situation was ultimately for the better. DeSean seems a lot more appreciative than bitter about playing for the Birds after seeing the other shitty choices out there. The Eagles now see that they can’t simply dump off a perceived locker room threat right before a fresh avalanche of wide receiver talent hits the league. And if both parties are to split after this season, DeSean gets to showcase his talents for another squad, the Birds can possibly increase their demands, and the fans are now prepared.

Hopefully this weird roller coaster ride is finished.

By maurice posted March 25th, 2014 at 1:21 PM
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