FORT OGLETHORPE, GA – A young Chattanooga couple was arrested after going on a strange shoplifting spree at the Fort Oglethorpe Walmart last week. Twenty-one-year-olds Joshua and Erika Caldwell are facing several theft and drug charges after police said they walked out of the store with hundreds of dollars worth of stolen goods, including 57 blocks of cheese. It’s not clear why the couple decided to steal that much cheese or what they were planning on doing with all of it. But they did have their child with them, though, and police found pot in their car.
I can’t go the rest of my life without finding out what these two lovebirds were planning on doing with all that cheese. I just can’t. I NEED to know. The only reasonable thing I can come up with is that they were planning on re-selling the cheese on some underground cheese black market and turn a quick profit. But Joshua and Erika Caldwell, who look like the past 21 have been absolutely terrible to them, are obviously not people who act within the boundaries of logic and reason. There had to have been something much bigger planned here and I won’t rest until I find out what that was. From the looks of them, I’m gonna go out on a limb that at least a few of those cheese blocks were for sexy time purposes which is now an image that you won’t be able to burn out of your head. Also, the fact that these two were allowed to have a child together is pretty troublesome to say the least. Keep doing you, Georgia.
This dude would do anything to look like his favorite Nazi villain. Except, of course, shave.
Uproxx – Venezuelan Henry Damon now goes by the name Red Skull after he had the end of his hooter surgically removed to look like Captain America’s nemesis. The tattooed 37-year-old, who is happily married, has already had bumps put on his forehead and arms. Pal Pablo Hernandez, 38, said of the happily married dad: “He has loved comic books since he was a kid and always dreamed of being Red Skull, but never got round to doing it. “Then he met up with a brilliant surgeon who specialises in extreme body modifications and just knew that this was his opportunity.”
Nailed it! This dude would do anything to look like his favorite Nazi villain. Except, of course, shave. That’s really going too far. Love how he’s just “Never gotten around to doing it” till now. Like I’ve put off replacing my bones with invincible metal a la Wolverine because Pres doesn’t give vacation days. I think the most surprising thing here, other than being a South American named Henry, is he’s still happily married after looking like a Klingon with a coke habit. I can’t hold onto a woman to save my life and this thing has found true love to last through the ages even though he’s blacklisted himself from all employment opportunities outside of Hot topic. Good for it.
Introducing Jessie from Villanova. Smokes coming out for 7th ranked team in the nation. Shout out Kappa Kappa Gamma over at the V. Send in your smoke nominations to Phillytips@barstoolsports.com or on twitter @muntbarstool
Introducing Jessie from Villanova. Smokes coming out for 7th ranked team in the nation. Shout out Kappa Kappa Gamma over at the V.
Send in your smoke nominations to Phillytips@barstoolsports.com or on twitter @muntbarstool
Odds are Dee gets fucked by 4 different guys during that time.
LOS ANGELES (AP) – Quick, imagine an artistic link between the insanely funny “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and bleakly dramatic “True Detective.” The FXX sitcom, inspired by a long, unedited shot in the HBO series last year, fashioned its own for Wednesday’s episode (10 p.m. EST). “True Detective” followed Matthew McConaughey in and out of frenzied danger for six seamless minutes. The FXX sitcom spends an uninterrupted seven-plus minutes on a scene that’s equally manic but minus the gunplay: It involves a desperate bid to save Paddy’s pub from flunking a health inspection. Glenn Howerton, who plays Dennis and is an executive producer of the comedy about a group of loser pals, said they were “pretty inspired” by the bravado of “True Detective” and found an episode that’s served by the approach.
7 straight uninterrupted and unedited minutes of the gang getting after it. I got nothing to add other than this is a FANTASTIC idea that has an 100% success rate. No chance it’s not funny. Odds are Dee gets fucked by 4 different guys during that time. Still may hammer the over.
But anytime we can revisit the greatness that was True Detective, especially the best sequence from the series, we do so with honor. As I’ve blogged before when I was the only one talking about the show on here, it’s 6 minutes of straight shot. No cuts, edits or fuck ups. One bite is actually one bite. The scene is up there with Scorsese’s club entrance scene in Goodfellas or the war long shot from Children Of Men (GREAT movie, btw). Needs to be respected. Plus I feel like I’ve personally played the entire scene in GTA no less than a billion times.
Your Worldwide Leader In "Sports", ladies and gentleman.
ESPN’s most recognizable blowhard combined with their two greatest talking points. Still shocked they couldn’t fit in a Tim Tebow reference somewhere. Your Worldwide Leader In “Sports”, ladies and gentleman. Because FUCK hockey. If Brett Favre came out of retirement for the 82nd time I think Disney might ejaculate itself to death.
It was lunch time on this cold, desperate Philadelphia day, and I had to defend the honor of the dozens of canned tuna eaters worldwide. I don’t care if I have to pull a Will Smith and say “Welcome to Earf” every time I open up a new can of dead fish, I’m eating my .35 cent meal with pride. However, as evidenced today, something straight biblical going down and I don’t like it one bit. I’m not a bad guy. I work hard. I pay my taxes (I think?). All I’m asking for is to be able to eat my cheap, crappy lunch in peace and maybe a Super Bowl or 12. All you Massholes are enjoying your 4th Super Bowl parade while I’m over here going to war with a can of tuna to survive. It’s as depressing as it gets and even worse is the fact I lost the contest. And here I thought my degenerative poker struggles would signal the end of my misery, but alas, the modern day Greek Tragedy of the life of Smitty continues:
"I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody."
STR – The BCHL’s Trail Smoke Eaters knew they’d lose leading scorer Charlie Zuccarini at the end of the season. They just didn’t expect to lose him now. Zuccarini has been suspended by the league for the remainder of the regular season and playoffs for slashing referee Kirk Wood. He received a match penalty for Abuse of Officials and was ejected from the game.
Dick move? For sure. I think the only thing that would be more absurd to get suspended for would be going full Happy Gilmore and taking off your skate to try stabbing someone with it. But to reference Happy Gilmore twice in two sentences, the ref shouldn’t have been standing there. Nothing worse than the absurd sense of entitlement refs have. Nothing worse than a ref who decides he’s going to make the game all about himself. We’ve all been in this Zuccarini kid’s position before. The ref starts making shit calls all game long, gets in your way, next thing you know all you have is the urge to rip a clapper right at his jaw. Like normal people, most of us just play the rest of the game and blame the refs for the loss. But Zuccarini had the balls and the rage to finally do something about it and swung at stripes as if he were a baseball lobbed right down the middle of the plate. Definitely suspension worthy, but I’ve seen scumbags like Steve Downie get away with far more for far less.
P.S. – The “Trail Smoke Eaters” is such a ridiculous name for a hockey team. I’d get suspended just so I wouldn’t have to wear that jersey anymore.
I thought Kate Upton already held that honor? BOOM!
US – For the first time, SI will feature a plus-size swimwear ad. “I know my curves are sexy and I want everyone else to know that theirs are too,” the model, 27, said in a statement about her campaign for swimsuitsforall. “There is no reason to hide and every reason to flaunt.” The size-16 beauty — whose resume includes spreads in Elle, Harper’s Bazaar, Glamour, and Latina — bares her curvy body in a tiny black bikini designed by the swimwear brand.
First ever plus-sized model for Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition? I thought Kate Upton already held that honor? BOOM!
But seriously, and I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think she looks shabby at all. In fact, pretty good. Obviously she’s a little thick for my tastes. If she cut out red meat and Twinkees she’d be a certified fox. And I get this girl is closer to par for the course with most of the ladies out there. Which is 100% fine. But then again…this is SI’s swimsuit issue. A honor reserved for the best of the best. The top .000001%. I’m not fat shaming or saying she deserves a little sumthin sumthin if she tries to squeeze into skinny jeans, but you don’t have someone who throws 65 mph pitch in the All-Star game just because that’s what most people bring to the table. You want a fireballer hurling heat. And Ashley Graham throws as well as Wayne Gomes in his prime.
Again, I’m all for equality, but there deserves to always be a Major League level in all aspects of life. What do the degenerates think?
Vote 1 for Throw Her Back In The Ocean and 10 for All Shapes And Sizes (Under A Buck Sixty) Should Be Welcome: