Byron Maxwell Sounds Straight Giddy About Joining The Eagles

If you pay him, he will come.

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Watch the video from ESPN’s First Take HERE via BGN

You can hear it in his voice. It’s a perfect fit. The right system, the right team, the right player. I was watching this live and they kind of baited him into talking about the Eagles, but you can’t deny his excitement. Get ready for a spending spree, boys and girls.

Signing Maxwell is the first step of many. If you pay him, he will come.

By smitty posted March 5th, 2015 at 1:10 PM

White Boy Gets Emasculated On The YMCA Court

Poor guy never stood a chance.


 
Ah, rec pick up basketball. Where legends are self proclaimed and the ball is rarely passed. That honkey should have left his dignity in the cube and his jock at the door. Poor guy never stood a chance. Now he’s forever that dude’s bitch whenever he enters the local YMCA. Definitely made to sit down when he pees while on the premises.

Still one of the greatest crossovers in the history of man. RIP AI (the best parts of him, at least):
 

By smitty posted March 5th, 2015 at 11:55 AM

Court Rules That Man Who Burned Himself While Praying To Fajitas Can’t Sue Restaurant

It's like they say, Justice is a dish best piping hot.

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TRENTON, N.J.A New Jersey appellate court says a man cannot seek damages for burns he suffered while bowing his head in prayer over a sizzling steak fajita skillet at a restaurant. The ruling made public Wednesday upheld a lower court ruling that dismissed his lawsuit. The man claimed a waitress didn’t warn him the dish was hot, but the lower court found the food posed an “open and obvious” danger.

It happened in 2010 at an Applebee’s in Burlington County. The man said he bowed his head, then heard a loud sizzle followed by a grease pop. He then felt a burning sensation in his left eye and on his face. The man said he panicked and knocked the food on his lap, causing more burns. The burns didn’t cause scarring.

Real quick before everyone blows a gasket, yes, this happened in 2010. But that’s not the story. The story is that this jackwagon has taken up 5 years of the court’s time just because he didn’t understand that when you order fajitas at a restaurant, they come out sizzling hot. Now that that’s cleared up, let’s talk about what a huge victory this is for all us non-bozos of the world.

I don’t have any problem with people praying before they eat. If that’s your belief system then whatever, let your food get cold while you thank God for it. I’m not gonna stop you. What I do have a problem with, however, is a person who would still feel the need to pray before eating at a goddammned Applebee’s. That’s actually Pretty selfish if you ask me. Do you really think that God cares about you thanking him while you’re ordering a 2 for 20 meal? No. The dude has like a billion other voices in the world to take care of, so I think some jabroni in the Trenton Applebee’s is the least of his worries. And don’t get me wrong, I love Applebee’s. I just don’t think that there’s ever a reason to pray inside of one. So for that, and just the fact that this dude is just a complete failure of evolution, I couldn’t be more pleased with the judicial system of New Jersey right now. It’s like they say, Justice is a dish best piping hot.

Time To Release The Nudes

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By jordie posted March 5th, 2015 at 11:05 AM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Man Who Whipped It Out In Front Of A Baby’s “R” Us Because “That’s What The Ladies Like”?

This guy's got a permanent angry masturbation mug.

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FLORIDA – Hal Hamrick wanted to find a lady. So, the 48-year-old man did what ladies like. Hamrick walked around a Port St. Lucie shopping center exposing himself “multiple times,” according to an arrest affidavit. A witness told Port St. Lucie police he saw a man in a Miami Heat shirt and athletic shorts exposing himself. The man twice put his genitals out for view in front of Target, and once in front of Babies “R” Us. “Each time he attempted to use a trash receptacle as cover for the act,” an affidavit states. “Hamrick told police he was “exposing himself for the ladies.” “He wants to find a lady and they like when he does that,” an affidavit states. The guy’s got the angry masturbation face on lockdown in that mugshot.
 
Screw flowers, jewelry or cash. Hal Hamrick’s been on this Earth for 48 years and has learned what the ladies want. Cold hard dick. He figures they gotta at least see the goods before investing so why not cut out the middleman of dating and romance? Sure, he could have picked better spots to show off than Target and Babyies “R” Us, but true love knows no bounds One thing’s for damn sure, this guy’s got a permanent angry masturbation mug. I’m talking furious, spiteful, beating off feverishly when the woman isn’t home face. Best keep him away from the playgrounds.

Once Hal cheers up his defense should be that it just needed some air. Sometimes they need air, they can’t breath in there. It’s inhumane. People have been deemed innocent from a lot more for a lot less in the land of Florida.

 

By smitty posted March 5th, 2015 at 10:15 AM

Bob Barker And Adam Sandler Go At It Again And It’s LOL Funny

Legitimately the first funny thing Adam Sandler's done in a decade. Maybe more.


 
With a cameo from Apollo Chubbs, too! It’s gold, Jerry! Gold!

Legitimately the first funny thing Adam Sandler’s done in a decade. Maybe more…(Googles filmography)…Yup. 1999. Big Daddy was the last Sandler flick to seriously make me laugh. Since then it’s been Jack & Jill, You Don’t Mess With Zohan, Grown Ups 1-7 by the time it’s done. Granted, movies like Click, Punch Drunk Love and Reign On Me are decent stuff, but they’re hardly comedies. This skit is vintage Adam Sandler gold. But make no mistake about it, the Price Is Right Lord makes the bit. Bob Barker is extremely on point for looking clinically dead. Long live the Barker.
 

By smitty posted March 5th, 2015 at 9:30 AM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Sarah

  Introducing Sarah from Philly. The heat hath come on Hump Day. And she’s in the medical field, too. Beauty and brains. Perfect. Send in your smoke nominations to phillytips@barstoolsports.com or on Twitter @muntbarstool

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Introducing Sarah from Philly. The heat hath come on Hump Day. And she’s in the medical field, too. Beauty and brains. Perfect.

Send in your smoke nominations to phillytips@barstoolsports.com or on Twitter @muntbarstool

Read the rest of this entry »

By munt posted March 4th, 2015 at 5:35 PM

I Can Watch This Guy Giving His Woman Wrestling Finishing Moves All Life Long

The ultimate way to relieve the stress of a relationship.


 

FINISH HER!

I envy this man. I don’t even care if it doesn’t hurt her and she enjoys being put in these WWF porn positions. It’s the thought that counts. This is the ultimate way to relieve the stress of a relationship. Who needs make up sex when you can pile-drive your woman headfirst into a pool? Exactly. The feeling of power would be too much to turn down. After an argument with the woman I’d want to Stone Cold her into the water. That after Sharpshooting her on the diving board for a couple hours until she taps out. Twice. Eh, maybe it’s best I don’t have a pool.

By smitty posted March 4th, 2015 at 4:45 PM

Michael Jack Schmidt’s Spring Training Hat Game Is On Point

Are they in Clearwater or the Sahara?

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Are they in Clearwater or the Sahara? It’s currently 81 degrees down there. Hardly Lawrence Of Arabia weather. Yeah, he had skin cancer, but it doesn’t even matter. When you hit 548 homeruns and become the greatest 3rd baseman to ever play the game you can watch games in solely a sombrero and cod piece the people won’t bat an eye. Do you, Schmidty. Do you.

Obligatory – One of Harry K’s favorite calls:
 

h/t KLM

By smitty posted March 4th, 2015 at 3:45 PM
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