Crutches Aren’t Going To Contain This Old Boss From Dominating The Dance Floor

FUCK THESE STICKS!

I’m not ashamed to say this old coot has better presence on the dance floor than I could have in 30 lifetimes combined. I was at a wedding on Saturday night and got awkwardly caught up in that circle of dance death only fit for attention starved women and black people. The only play was to seizure around like I was about to go diabetic shock for 5 seconds before I could Thriller my way to safe pastures. So good on this man for moving around like Frank Reyonlds while getting jiggy wit two geriatric patients at once. Love how he one upped the pockets and the fanny pack and went straight for the plastic bag tied to his pants, too. Total don’t give a shit about society anymore move. Only thing missing was an onion tied around the belt, which was the style at the time.

FUCK THESE STICKS!

crutches
By smitty posted July 21st, 2014 at 3:45 PM

We Need To Identify These 3.4% Of People Who Trust Ruben Amaro To Make The Right Moves At The Trade Deadline

Reveal yourselves!
reader1

reader


via Philly.com

Reveal yourselves! We can have a nice tar and feathering party down Broad St. until the correct opinion is held by all. Anybody who has faith Ruben Amaro will do anything right at the trade deadline should automatically be stricken of their rights to vote and breed. It’s unjust, unmoral and unacceptable. Pat Gillick better be pulling the strings behind the scenes. Shit, I’d take the Ed Wade’s input at this point. And that’s coming from someone who would trust the advice of a dead ferret over the former GM’s.

3.4% is embarrassingly low for any poll. Just think about that. Only 3 out of every 100 people agree with that position. NOBODY likes Congress and they’re still pitied with a 16%. You put out a survey to re-animate Hitler solely to have him punt kittens while face fucking grandmothers and it’ll still pull in a healthy 5%. That’s how little respect Ruben Aramro gets in this town for turning a Rolls-Royce into a car made by Fischer Price.

I hate this team.

By smitty posted July 21st, 2014 at 2:40 PM

34-Year-Old Tough Guy Gets Absolutely Walloped By 17-Year-Old Kid

Nothing to see here but your average grown man vs. shirtless boy cul-de-sac kerfuffle.

Nothing to see here but your average grown man vs. shirtless boy cul-de-sac kerfuffle. A suburban pastime. Looks like that adult picked the wrong Asian kid hopped up on hormones and Mountain Dew. You know you’re in a bad spot in life when you’re picking fights with teenagers to begin with. But to get spider-monkeyed by a young Mr. Miyagi and STILL have the gusto to talk shit after getting ragdolled? There’s going to be a lot of crying going on later in the RV shower.

h/t Riz

By smitty posted July 21st, 2014 at 1:50 PM

$100K Up For Grabs In Draftking’s MLB Mid-Summer Classic

Mr. Burns could've scoured all the leagues for a century and still not put together a ringer team this hot.
dr

dr1

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BAM! You see that lineup? Mr. Burns could’ve scoured all the leagues for a century and still not put together a ringer team this hot. Turning $20 into $20K has never been so easy.

As always, if you want to place in the money just pick whoever is facing the Phillies. Little League teams have more heart, desire and talent than what’s being trotted out in South Philly nowadays.

Contest Details:
-MLB Medium Midsummer Classic
-$100,000 Prize Pool
-$20 entry fee
-Starting Tuesday at 7:05 PM

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By smitty posted July 21st, 2014 at 1:10 PM

I Despise Everything About This TMZ Video With The Exception Of Artie Lange Who Looks Like He May Die At Any Second

Are those pop off pants?

Forget the fame whoring of TMZ that’s taking down society one paparazzi shot at a time. Ignore the filled bus of patrons on the “TMZ Tour” whose lives are so wallpaper they go batshit when they see a C-List celebrity waddling to his 3rd meal and 10th beer of the morning. If he wasn’t on his way to suppress a vice Lange 100% would’ve went apeshit on the toolshed yelling “Joke! Joke!! Joke!!!!!!” Artie Lange is the last monkey that would dance to that happy crap. My main issue with this video is simply this: How is that blonde biddy still alive? I’m not asking if she’s literate or how she’s employed because we all know the answers to both of those questions. I’m 100% serious when I ask how this dumb bitch hasn’t died from accidentally plugging her curling iron into a faucet or forgetting to breathe? Totally stumped.

Seriously, come on, Artie. Mix in a salad before that gullet swallows you whole. Or at least get a different top other than a black Polo to go with those Adidas warm ups last worn by Run DMC. I suppose that’s what happens when you consistently hammer money on the Giants. You lose in life.

By smitty posted July 21st, 2014 at 12:10 PM

Kim Jong Un Will Pretend To Kill All Of China If This Video Isn’t Taken Down From The Interwebs

Sometimes you just gotta be able to laugh at yourself.

HP – Dictators never seem to have much of a sense of humor, and North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is no exception. Kim is trying to get China to pull the plug on a satirical video that, with some not-so-subtle digital trickery, shows him dancing, running, getting poked in the butt by a rocket and more, all set to catchy music. He also gets repeatedly pranked — often by President Barack Obama. North Korean officials say the clip “seriously compromises Kim’s dignity and authority,” South Korea’s Chosun Ilbun newspaper reports. Naturally, China has been unable to help because once something is online, it’s online forever. And Kim doesn’t seem to know Rule 19 of the Internet: The more you hate it, the stronger it gets.

For the first time in forever, Kim Jong Un didn’t really seem like such a bad guy right there. I don’t even see what’s so wrong about this video. The dance clips are as on point as it gets, he kills a dragon, and blows up a bus with a soccer ball (wouldn’t be surprised if the North Korean government actually keeps that clip and tries to pass it off as a real thing). As for the rest of the video, sometimes you just gotta be able to laugh at yourself. Nobody likes someone who takes himself too seriously. I can see why he’d be a little pissy about getting punked by Barry O a few times, but that just comes with the bro lifestyle. If you’re getting pranked, it just means you’re one of the fellas. At least I hope that’s what it means. So if Kim knows anything about PR like I think he does, he’ll realize this is huge for his image in the West. But not before he tries to get us back with another one of these videos. What a jokester.

By jordie posted July 21st, 2014 at 11:06 AM

Chip Kelly Saying Last Season Was ‘Just OK’ Is As Perfect As It Gets

No Super Bowl, no glory.

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PHILADELPHIA — The Eagles went 10-6, won the NFC East and were a walk-off field goal from advancing to the second round of the playoffs. Not bad. Unless, that is, you’re Chip Kelly. “We were just OK,” said Kelly, who finished fourth in the Associated Press coach of the year voting, of his rookie NFL season. LeSean McCoy led the NFL with 1,607 rushing yards and was runner-up in the offensive player of the year voting. Nick Foles topped the league with a 119.2 passer rating and tied the NFL single-game record with seven touchdown passes. The Eagles rebounded from a 1-3 start to register their first winning season and first postseason berth since 2010. And it was just OK.

Training camp starts on Friday, people. It’s officially time to Bleed Green. You have to love the mentality of this team coming into camp. I emphasize team because this squad seems tighter as a group than most legitimate families, and it all starts at the top with Papa Chip. Expectations were about as low as they go last year when Chip Kelly took over. The head coach could’ve literally shit himself and the bed on the way to a 5-11 record and still went into the offseason with his chin up high and nuts hanging low. But after a 10-6 record and division title, Chip isn’t happy. He realizes that’s not good enough and a season amounting to anything less than a championship is bullshit. And that’s the way it should be.

This is one of the reasons why everyone outside of Philly doesn’t get understand our feelings with Andy Reid. Big Red was the best coach in Eagles history, there’s no denying that. Of course we would rather go 11-5 every year finding ourselves in the NFC Championship game than the alternative. But you would’ve never seen this realistic, approachable mentality from him or anyone on the staff outside of JJ (RIP). In the same exact situation Reid would’ve struggled to breath spouting about 30 seconds of unrelated crap, backed up his players by saying they left it all out on the field and finished up with “I’ve got to do a better job.” Chip lays it on the line and tells it how it is.

I can’t wait. On the agenda this year is to just maybe, get lucky and find ourselves in the promised land. Oh, and fucking score points. What’s your plan?

Buy a shirt.

By smitty posted July 21st, 2014 at 10:30 AM

Just When You Thought Humanity Was Making Strides A Video Surfaces Of An Old Man Going To Town On A Live Possum

As raw as it gets.

Reader Email: Guy licking a possum

Yeah you read that subject correctly. Im not even sure what you’re going to thing of this video but it is so raw and unbelievable i had to send it to you.

The adjective used in the reader email to describe this video is perfect. Raw. It doesn’t get much more crude and natural than a old redneck in his habitat trying to lick to the center of his dinner like it’s a damn Tootsie Roll pop. These brothers better have been packing heat. You don’t mess with a missing toothed hick wearing jorts that has a vein on his bicep that’s about explode to begin with. The type of imbred that would Make Flowers with his sister in the Bait & Tackle aisle in Wal-Mart. Tack on the batshit factor of sticking live roadkill in his mouth for kicks and you’ve got yourself a man who truly has nothing to lose. Screw the old coot getting a disease from the rodent, I’m more worried about the possum catching something from him.

h/t Chris

By smitty posted July 21st, 2014 at 9:45 AM
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