So in the beginning of the semester I had been commuting to West Chester University from South Jersey, which sucked. Being so I had been searching frantically for somewhere to move in. Finally in the 2015 Facebook group I found four dudes who are looking for another roommate off campus. I was stoked to finally move to school to party it up and not have to commute anymore. One night a couple weeks after I moved in my roommates surprised me with a sit down in the kitchen…kind of an intervention type thing. The leader of the gang who organized my whole move in pretty much explained that he was ready to have me evicted for breaking all his rules. (I am living here off the lease btw). He then presented me with a ridiculous contract (attached) which he personally wrote and insisted i sign if i wanted to continue living here. Read it and enjoy a good laugh…it even made my 75 year old grandmother crack up. Some people will be virgin for life. I am moving out this month to live with some good friends.
Below is the contract in its entirety that I transcribed myself. I did so because these words must be searchable on Google to warn future generations. I’m not even sure this blog needs commentary, the words ARE the blog. “NO pre or post sex spooning in shared areas”? Ten percent extra lateness charge? “If a member of the house thinks your friend is shady, your friend may be asked to leave”? Yeah — can’t wait to see that rule applied. I’d bet my life that the type of person who makes this contract is not the type of person who has the balls to force a shady stranger to leave.
Why are there people like this in the world? Smoke some weed and get a BJ in a shared area. It’s college — live your fucking life.
Oh, and if some roommate smashes your plates when you’re not home because it spent over 24 hours in the sink, you have full reign to then smash their face.
-There will be a 24 hour period starting after you finish using a dish in which you must clean the dish.
-After 24 hours if it is still lying dirty in the sink or a common area, you will be notified and it will be smashed the next time you are in the house. The offender is then responsible for cleaning the smashed dish and replacing it.
-You will be given one warning for not cleaning your designated area.
-No warnings. First offense will result in:
–Full beer stoning by other members of the house.
–The guilty party will have to clean up the resulting mess while being shamed by the other house members.
-Two warnings before punishment. (“PUNISHMENT”!?!?)
How to deal with roommate conflict?
If you can’t figure it out between yourselves, come to me. If I am involved find a third party house member to sit in.
GROUNDS FOR EVICTION
Grounds for eviction are listen below however, are not limited to the statements in this document.
1) Having people
over more than once a month only on Saturday
a. Having more than five people over
b. Friend (s) not leaving before 11pm
c. You or your friend (s) Having drugs in or around the house
d. You and or your friend (s) smoking marijuana in the house
–i. Includes smells but not limited to: marijuana, candle, incents air freshener and or any other devised use to cover a smell
e. You or your friend(s) eating food that is not yours
f. You or your friend(s) making and leaving a mess in shared areas
g. You or your friend(s) lying or not taking owning up to mistakes
h. You must notify a members of the house that you are having friend (s) over via text and the white board
i. You or your friend (s) harass any house member
2) Not paying bill (s) on time
a. Bills: rent, Utilities…
b. YOu will be given about two weeks notices a head of time
3) Not cleaning up after yourself
5) A rent refund will be given
a. You return the house key and a mailing address for the refund to be mailed
b. $300 for a month’s rent that breaks down to $75 per week
–i. For example you only one week after rent is paid you will get $225 back and we will keep $75
c. The refund will be mailed out within seven days after you leave providing the section 4.a. was meet. Time of rent being delivered to your house will depend on the US. Post office.
-I will pay utilities out of the fifth person’s rent
-If the utilities are more than the 5th person’s rent, we will pay the difference as a group
-I will not pay your utilities if you have not given me money.
-If you are late on a utility payment you will pay what you owe plus 10%
–THE 10% REPAYS THE INCONVENIENCE TO ME FOR HAVING TO FRONT THE MONEY FOR YOUR BILL.
CLEANING: SOMEONE IN CHARGE
– 2 stair cases
-Who will be in charge of making sure everyone cleans?
-How will cleaning be done ?(Everyone all on the same day and time or up to the individual)
-Who will do what job?
-Ideas for penalties for not cleaning?
2 of each of the following:
This is to instill accountability for cleaning your own dishes after use. This will also ensure that maggots and other insects do not make a home in our sink (again).
- If you are against this and wish for more dishware in the house, I am willing to consider it. However, it must also come with a plan that makes everyone accountable for cleaning up after themselves. I do not want to be living in a fly and maggot infested house again.
-If a system with more dishes is agreed upon, but even one member of the house fails to uphold their duty to clean their dishes, we will revert back to the 2 dish policy.
Have no right in this house as far as:
-Girlfriends do not live here.
–However they may sleep here as couple times a week and on weekends.
-House issues. This means they cannot bitch to me or anyone else in this house about:
–Disagreements between members of this house
–money (from house bills etc)
-NO pre or post sex spooning in shared areas
-they (Girlfriend/Girlfriend’s friend/ your friend) will not control what is on the TV / music that is playing unless they ask
-If a member of the house thinks your friend is shady, your friend may be asked to leave.
-If they cook they clean unless you desire to clean their mess for them. Friends and girlfriends will be held to the same standards as residents. If you invite someone over, it is your duty to make sure they abide by our rules. Otherwise they may be asked to leave.
-There will be no parties in this house because this is a residential neighborhood and a teacher lives below us. We have had a couple of close calls in the past with parties here.
-I don’t care what your poison is, but do not bring it in the house. It puts the other members of the house at risk for legal repercussions should anything happen.
-Sunday morning -Friday morning 11pm-10am
-This means no loud music, conversations, fighting, fucking.
–Please keep the noise to a respectful level at these times.
–Every member of the house has the right to tell another member to shut the fuck up if they are being too loud.
-No pets are allowed in the house. This is in the lease contract, that we all signed.