Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Around Barstool

Jabari Parker Declares For NBA Draft, The Day Of Reckoning Is Nigh

All the pieces are finally in place. No more talking about extra years in college. No more talking about year-long Mormon retreats.


hinkie smile

SIAfter losing in the NCAA tournament, I needed to clear my mind. I was incredibly disappointed and blamed myself. I didn’t watch basketball or go to the gym for several days. But I soon realized the real test is how we handle defeat and I laced my shoes and headed to the student rec center to play some pick-up. It reminded me of how much I loved the game, but it was only a temporary reprieve. As soon as I got back, I turned my attention to one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make up to this point in my life: whether to remain in school or enter the NBA draft. Lately I haven’t slept much. Although my dream is to play in the NBA, I’ve gotten pretty attached to life at Duke and I don’t want to utter the word goodbye. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

All the pieces are finally in place. No more talking about extra years in college. No more talking about year-long Mormon retreats. Just the best NBA class in a decade, two Sixers picks in the top ten, and Sam Hinkie’s evil genius computer brain working out the angles trying to figure out how to get Wiggins and LeBron on the same team in 2015.

Smart decision by Jabari, although when you think about it at all there really was no decision to be made. Could’ve saved the longform read about why money is better than not-money. Get drafted by the Jazz and get paid, JP.


By maurice posted April 17th, 2014 at 1:25 PM

Video: A Celebrity-Filled Live Reading Of The Space Jam Script With Blake Griffin As Jordan

If you didn't enjoy this video, you're completely empty inside.

If you didn’t enjoy this video, you’re completely empty inside. DeAndre Jordan’s Charles Barkley, Kroll Show’s Daffy Duck, fucking TOPANGA as Lola Bunny — it’s brilliant.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (50 votes, average: 8.66 out of 10)
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I’ll post this whenever I blog about Space Jam because it’s the greatest rap song of all-time:

By maurice posted April 17th, 2014 at 1:10 PM

Secret Service Once Threatened To Go For ‘The Kill Shot’ On Mr. Met, Probably Should’ve

Mr. Met sucks. He sucks so bad as a mascot it's unreal.
mr met clinton shot

CBSA.J. Mass, who suited up as the New York Mets’ mascot from 1994-97, said in his new book that he was warned in no uncertain terms about advancing toward President Bill Clinton, who was at Shea Stadium in April 1997 for the 50th anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking MLB’s color barrier. “Now listen to me very carefully. … We have snipers all around the stadium, just in case something were to happen,” a Secret Service agent told Mass, according to a book excerpt making the rounds. “Like I said, do whatever it is you normally do. Nobody will bother you. But approach the president, and we go for the kill shot. Are we clear?” The former Mr. Met wrote that it felt like the agent wasn’t “only looking into my eyes, but also into my very soul with his blank, unblinking stare.” Then another warning, for good measure. “Approach the president, and we go for the kill shot,” the agent told Mass. “ARE–WE–CLEAR?”

It’s hard being a sports fan and getting people to trust your opinion. Most times if someone isn’t a fan of your team they’re gonna assume you’re just a homer and aren’t telling them the truth. Getting opposing fans to trust your word is easily one of the most frustrating parts of sports fandom. Facts are facts regardless of who it comes from, yet a lot of people will tune you out anyway.

For example: Mr. Met sucks. He sucks so bad as a mascot it’s unreal. Yet whenever I say this people think it’s just because I’m a Phillies fan and have some vendetta against the Mets. And I do, I guess, but my hatred of the Mets has little to do with the terrible job their mascot is doing. If Mr. Met was the Phoenix Suns Gorilla or Dancin’ Homer I’d be first in line to give credit where it would be due…but he’s not. He’s just a dude in a baseball uniform with a giant baseball head who waves to the crowd and fishes foul balls for front row rich snob kids. I’ve been to Citi Field and seent it with my own two eyes. Mr. Met is Fraud City.

The Phanatic, the San Diego Chicken, Teal Man who used to do Hornets games in the 90′s — THOSE are mascots. Mr. Met is just a big baseball who’s lucky Clinton’s boys didn’t snipe his brains loose.

PS – Citi Field kinda sucks, too. How about you get some more Jackie Robinson stuff, Citi Field? Cause he totally played for the Mets and it makes perfect sense.

By maurice posted April 17th, 2014 at 12:03 PM

Help A #Helmetstrong Supporter Reach His Goal

Let's do this.



It’s no secret we look after our own here at Barstool. Carl Feretti was one of BS Philly’s first and greatest supporters. A Stoolie through and through. Could have been you, me or any other normal asshole who comes to this site on a daily basis. Even though Helmet passed in December, we will still do everything in our power to ensure his memory lives on.

That’s why when his buddy Nick reached out to say he’s running a half-marathon in Helmet’s honor with money being raised going to Carl’s cause, it was a no brainer to help. We don’t have to go nuts here people, but we do have to hit the goal which is currently only $100 short. No excuse not to be able to hit that mark. Like I said, all proceeds raised Nick will be donating to #Helmetstrong. Let’s do this.



Also, Helmet was about a big of a Flyers fan you can get and this is unfortunately the first playoffs he’ll be missing. Yet another reason for the boys to make a run.

By smitty posted April 17th, 2014 at 11:40 AM

Video: Crazy Drunk Nick Young Says What He’s Gonna Do With Iggy Azalea’s Ass ‘Shouldn’t Be Legal’

ROCKETING up my favorite athlete rankings.

iggy profile

iggy 2


iggy 3


Such a tremendous love / hate thing I have with Swaggy P Nick Young right now. Can’t help but love his hilariously high confidence…


…the fact that his game (while sometimes unhinged) is always entertaining, and that he’s dating the owner of the greatest ass in all of Caucasia Iggy Azalea. On the other hand I’m jealous and that forces me into being a hater. I wanna get drunk and brag about doing shit to Iggy Azalea’s ass, too. I wanna invite Gilbert Arenas over my house for a Fisher Price shootout, too. I wanna secretly leak the firing of my head coach while sliding into a car, too. Your life is the life I want, Swaggy.

On why he addressed the crowd at the final home game instead of Pau Gasol:
“I’m the star. I am Swaggy P.”

On what he thinks about people calling for D’Antoni’s job:
“Damn that’s a cold– it’s a shame what happened to D’Antoni.”

On where the weed is stashed:
“It’s in the backpack.”

By maurice posted April 17th, 2014 at 10:57 AM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Dude Named Edward Cocaine Busted For Drug Possession?

"The name's Cocaine. It's Greek for 'sells a lot of cocaine'."
edward cocaine

sunsentinelThe judge did a double-take and there were giggles aplenty in bond court Wednesday when a bailiff announced the name of a man arrested for drug possession: Edward Cocaine. “What?” uttered a stunned County Judge John “Jay” Hurley. “My last name is Cocaine,” proudly stated the man at the podium. His name was indeed legal and inscribed on his driver’s license. “You know, I’d thought I’d seen it all,” Hurley laughed, shaking his head. “How many times have the police told you to step out of the car during your life?” “Just about every time I get pulled over,” a chuckling Cocaine admitted. The 34-year-old Fort Lauderdale man, arrested Tuesday in Pembroke Pines, explained how he got his name. “My great-grandparents came over here from Greece and they changed it,” he said. “That was like in the 1920s.” The judge remained nonplused. “I’m still trying to absorb this,” he said. But Hurley released Cocaine on his own recognizance. And the drug he’s accused of possessing? Xanax.

Ed Cocaine kills ‘em again. Old Greek great-grandparents from the 20′s got their name changed? And the judge believed that? That’s why Eddie Coke is the best.

No doubt ol’ Cocaine has been pulling a fast one on authorities for years. Everybody probably tried to tell Cocaine how to live his life, how changing his name to “Cocaine” was a bad idea and would get him caught. Well who’s laughing now? Guy’s getting off with a slap on the wrist and hilarious publicity and still moving weight in Florida like Rick Ross with a kilo under each titty. Changing your name to Cocaine and still not getting caught is first ballot Hall Of Fame criminal behavior.

“The name’s Cocaine. It’s Greek for ‘sells a lot of cocaine’.”

By maurice posted April 17th, 2014 at 10:15 AM

Gentlemen, Start your Beards: Realanonymous’ Flyers v Rangers Series Preview

Flyers in FIVE.

Super G

First playoff matchup since 1997. 1997 was a great year for me. Typical day would include  cruisin’ on my Redline440 rockin’ the Nautica Tee, listenin’ to When Disaster Strikes on my Sony Discman, no handed, drinkin’ Snapples and shit. Come home from a long day of holdin’ hands with my girlfriend, play some Final Fantasy VII, and then jerk off to fuzzy porn and 1-800-WEARE18 commercials for the rest of the night. Those were the best days of my life, and they would all come to a crashing halt when the greatest Flyers team of my lifetime got their asses handed to them in four games by the all mighty 97 Redwings. That’s the last time I cried about sports. The Legion of Doom-led Flyers did however beat the Rangers in the East Finals in a great series that saw a grizzled old Messier pass the torch to a prime-time stud Eric Lindros. Now it’s 2014, and a scorching hot Claude Giroux-led Flyers will be taking on the hated Rangers on the long road to the Cup.

Series is pretty easy to handicap on paper.  Rangers got the defense, Flyers got the scoring depth.  Flyers can’t win in the Garden, Rangers get caught up in the Flyers shenanigans and take dumb penalties.  Rangers should win in SIX, but that’s not what’s gonna happen.  The Flyers are gonna beat the shit out of the Rangers, and win in FIVE, and here’s five reasons why.

emery fight laugh

1. Goaltending.

Mason’s status is in question for the series, but Emery has great numbers against the Rangers, so don’t worry about Mason not playing.  This actually may work out better for us. On the other hand, Mr. Swedish Orange Soda is as good as they get.  I’m not really sure why I made goaltending a key to victory, but don’t be surprised when Lundqvist gives the Wells Fargo Center free McDonald’s breakfast sandwiches when the Flyers light him up for 4+ a couple times back at home.

rangers flyers

2. Scoring.

Nash, Stepan, Richards, and St. Louis are all legitimate scoring threats, and the Flyers don’t have a Pronger to shut them down.  What we do have is mind games and physicality, and each one of these players is easy to rattle.  They’re gonna need all these guys to contribute offensively  in order to beat the Flyers, and I just don’t see that happening.

flyers rangers

3. Powerplay.

Rangers suck and the Flyers are awesome. It’s that simple. In a series that’s gonna feature mad penalties, the Flyers clearly have the advantage on the PP, thus the advantage in the series.

face off

4. Faceoffs. 

Once again, the Rangers suck.  It all comes down to the little things in the playoffs, and just like the Rats that infest every inch of New York City, face-offs are huge little things.  The Rangers take 35 shots a game on average and get tons of offensive draws, but won’t capitalize on these opportunities  because they are horrible in the circle.

simmonds fight

5. Grit.

Grizzly-ness is next to Godliness in the playoffs. Teams gotta go balls out every shift, and the Flyers are willing and able to expose their testicles relentlessly. I haven’t counted, but off the top of my head, I must have seen the Flyers come from behind in the last five minutes of the third at least seven times this year.  That’s the kind of shit championship teams do.  The Flyers are going to flat out steal three games from the Rangers in either overtime or the final minutes of the third in multiple games this series because the key players on the Rangers are soft as baby shit, and the Flyers are bunch of tenacious assholes who eat pieces of shit like them for breakfast…. and yes Happy, they do eat shit for breakfast , makes them tough.

Looking for Vinny Lecavalier to be a hero in this series. Vintage Vinny.  I’m talking Dave Andreychuk. I’m talking banging a 19 year old Brittney Spears. This is the year that signing a declining super-star for big money is going to work out for Philadelphia, I KNOW IT! I mean it has too right? Just by the law of averages….Science= Victory. Flyers in FIVE.



By realanonymous posted April 17th, 2014 at 9:42 AM

Barstool Philly Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Elle

Welcome Elle from St. Joe’s. The Hawks making a comeback with some much needed heat. Keep them coming please. Send in the Smokes. Email the Facebook links of nominations to Also, the Barstool Blackout tour returns to Philly on April 25. Click here and get your tix now before it sells out. ALL SMOKESHOWS [...]

Welcome Elle from St. Joe’s. The Hawks making a comeback with some much needed heat. Keep them coming please.

Send in the Smokes. Email the Facebook links of nominations to

Also, the Barstool Blackout tour returns to Philly on April 25. Click here and get your tix now before it sells out. ALL SMOKESHOWS GET IN FOR FREE.

By smitty posted April 16th, 2014 at 5:30 PM
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