Killer Toddler Prank Is One Way To Almost Have Your Kid Punted To The Moon

Fucker would go right into orbit with how hard I'd Vinateri it in the face.

 
Real smart, Dad. Actually, I hope he was arrested by that cop. How could he put own flesh and blood in danger of instinctively getting kicked into the next generation? Isn’t there a Rent-A-Midget or something in your town? Does Craigslist not exist? There has to be a puntable toddler available by the hour on there. Anything’s better than putting your own child at risk like this. Fucker would go right into orbit with how hard I’d Jeff Feagles it in the face.

By smitty posted October 27th, 2014 at 4:30 PM

Philly PSA: Wawa Has Pizza And It’s Just As Bad As You’d Think It Would Be

First off, where does Wawa get off using provolone cheese on a pizza? That's some serious crazy person talk.

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A few weeks ago Wawa rolled out what they are calling their Deep Dish Focaccia Pizza. It comes in 5 varieties (Buff Chick, Bacon & Jalapeno, Cheese, Pepperoni, and Veggie) and I’m just assuming that none of them are really that good. I got the Bacon & Jalapeno Popper back when they first came out and I’d say that it was tolerable at best. I don’t know why I went into it thinking it would be anything special, but I left feeling very disappointed and filled with shame. After a few weeks of wallowing in regret, I decided to give Wawa’s “pizza” another try. This time, I opted for the Buffalo Chicken Pizza as I’ve never met a buff-chic-p I didn’t like. It was a disaster.

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First off, where does Wawa get off using provolone cheese on a pizza? That’s some serious crazy person talk. It doesn’t make sense when you look at it and it doesn’t make sense when you taste it. Out of all the decisions I’ve made in life so far, trusting a pizza with provolone cheese was one of the most ill-advised. I’ll admit that I did think I would really enjoy the cream cheese substitution for pizza sauce though. Thought there was a lot of potential there. But still, here comes Wawa just cocky as ever thinking they can completely change up the pizza game. Yeah, not so much.

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This was the final product. As you can see, it looks like something that comes out of an asshole. And I realize that as a Philly guy I’m no expert on Deep Dish, but there’s no chance in heck that this could possibly pass off as a deep dish pizza. Like the bread is just thick as fuck. That’s all. Nothing more, nothing less. It was just a regular ass pizza with cream cheese and provolone and thick bread. Whoop-de-doo, Wawa. Whoop-de-freaking-doo. There was hardly any chicken on the pizza and of course they decided to throw an entire tub of cream cheese on there. The one part I was actually excited for and they went as overboard as possible on it. So gosh darn disappointing. It was a struggle to get through the entire thing and I’m not even sure if I’m comfortable with calling it drunk pizza. The only redeeming part of the whole pie was the buffalo sauce but that should come as no surprise. Wawa’s buffalo sauce is always on point. Now I’m not gonna grade the pizza on a scale of 1-10 since that’s not my place and none of my business, but what I will say is this that if you have any ounce of self-respect still in you (which not many of us do), you avoid this pizza at all cost. Especially now that The Gobbler is back.

By jordie posted October 27th, 2014 at 3:15 PM

Man Trains Dog To Fetch Him Beer Because Common Sense

GIVE THE GUY A TREAT. Or at the very minimum a sip.

 

GIVE THE GUY A TREAT. Or at the very minimum a sip. Borderline animal abuse sending that champ away empty handed. But the fact of the matter here is if your dog is able to perform such a task, why would you not teach him? Granted, the key word is IF. The only dog’s I’ve ever had, however lovable and amazing they may be, would bark at the fridge before pissing the floor and still expect a reward. So good on this dude for making his pup a better best friend to man. “If you will it, it is no dream.” – Theodor Herzl Walter Sobchat

By smitty posted October 27th, 2014 at 2:30 PM

The Good The Bad And The Ugly From The Eagles Last Minute Loss In Arizona

Golden showers all around.

NFL: Philadelphia Eagles at Arizona Cardinals

 

Like I said in the post-game knee-jerk blog yesterday, I am thoroughly confused with this team. They are literally two yards from 7-0, and a dozen or so plays going south from being 1-6. I desperately want to be a half-glass full guy, but I’m also a Philadelphia sports fan. There’s more disappointment, pessimism and alcohol running through the veins than blood.

 

 

The Good:
 

 

Special Teams - Standard. Highlighted by a Cody Parkey BOOT of 54-yards that looked like it could have cleared from 64.
 

J-Mac – 12 catches (on 16 targets) for 187 and 2 TD’s. Coming off an ACL tear, he took a chance on himself with a one-year-deal. We may have to pull a rounders and pay the man his money. Guy’s taking Golden Gatorade Showers then scoring big time TD’s left and right.
 

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The Defense – #IBeliveInBillyDavis. This squad doesn’t deserve to be in the “Bad” category. 2 long TD’s for 155 yards, but other than that the D played more than good enough to win this game. The Eagles dominated the field position game for almost the entire contest. Don’t blame the D for this loss.
 
 
The Bad:
 
Pass protection – 0 sacks, but holy hell was Foles under fire the entire game. Sure, the Cardinals blitzed the house on the last play, but Foles took about a 20 step dropback just to be able to get the ball off. Unless he’s Michael Vick and it’s Madden ’04, it’s not going to end pretty.
 
Foles – Yeah he was getting beat up, but LIKE EVERY GAME THIS YEAR, the stat sheet is OK but he’s just not what he was last year. Those picks were absolutely killer. If Nick is going to sling dick to a Super Bowl he’s going to need to play a lot better than what he showed yesterday.
 
The Absence Of Lil’ Lightening - It was evident. Mathis, Kelce and a healthy Kendricks would obviously be ideal, too, but not having Darren Sproles hurt a lot more than it should. That little spark could’ve lit the taint of Arizona on fire at any given time, especially on punt returns where it was essentially a fair catch fest (with exception to J-Mac’s nice spin return).
 
 
The Ugly:
 
 
The Refs – Absolutely awful, and not just for the Eagles. Both teams got hosed with calls yesterday. One of the worst officiated games in a long time.
 
Self Explainatory -
 


 

Josh Huff – You want to bitch publically about not getting the ball, rookie? How about we fucking hold onto it in the RZ. Game killer right there.
 
Big Plays - Can’t happen. It seems like Larry Fitz hasn’t had a big game this decade yet every time he plays the Eagles it’s open season. Nate Allen also left his jock in Philly on the last play. As deep as the deepest man. Safety 101.
 
Sweet block, Tobin
 

 

FUCKING TURNOVERS – Simply put, the Eagles win the turnover battle they win the game. 2 BAD TO’s in the RZ is absolutely unnacceptable. The Eagles are now the only team in the NFL that has both a winning record and a negative turnover margain (-7). They almost have more TO’s this year (17) than ALL of last season (19). Control the ball and you control their destiny.
 
 

And that’s all she wrote. Next stop: Houston. Hopefully JJ Watt has bigger than average meals this week so he doesn’t eat our offensive line alive.

By smitty posted October 27th, 2014 at 1:35 PM

Idiot Robs Gas Station, Feels Bad About It, Returns Money, Is Currently Enjoying The Wonders Of Jail

That is a rough, rough 23-years.

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(AP)Police in Northern California say a man robbed a gas station only to return hours later to give the money back and apologize. Eureka Police Sgt. Steve Watson said Sunday that 23-year-old Cyle Warren Abbott Jr. told officers he needed cash to leave town for a fresh start, but then realized his mistake. He says the clerk gave Abbott some cash, and Abbott left, also taking two bottles of beer. Watson says three hours later Abbott returned, giving back most of the cash and saying he was sorry. He says the weapon turned out to be a BB gun, which officers haven’t found.

whatanidiot

That is a rough, rough 23-years. Looks to me like he’s about 3-5 illegitimate children deep and still trying to get his GED. I have to imagine that if I looked like that I, too, would be looking for anyway possible to skip town and get a fresh start on life. But c’mon Cyle (and yes, obviously that is an absolute savage way to spell Kyle but with everything else going wrong for this kiddo, I won’t harp too much on something he couldn’t control), you just have to be better than this. Somehow something here got mixed up in translation. It’s go big or go home. He went minuscule and went to jail. He had everything he needed to take out a new lease on life; some cash and 2 beers. What more could a man ask for? That’s hitting the lotto for a man like Cyle Warren Abbott Jr. But I guess the thought of all the future prosperity and success for Cyle was just a little too much to handle. Now to be honest, I think having to go back into the store you just robbed to apologize for being a dickhead is punishment enough. Can’t really imagine a more awkward apology than that situation. He’s just left there with his hands cuffed behind his back and his tail tucked between his legs. Poor Cyle.

P.S. – Everything I learned in Lawyering 101 says to throw the “this was just for a prank video” defense out there. Seems like a foolproof plan to get Cyle back on that horse.

By jordie posted October 27th, 2014 at 12:10 PM

What’s The Point Of Having A Replay Expert On The Payroll If He Sucks?

I don’t know that yesterday’s 24-20 loss in Arizona was the worst regular season defeat of the past five years, but I’m certain that it was the most frustrating.

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[Editor's Note: Rizzo's back providing more in-depth insight on the Phils, Eagles and other fun Philly stuff. Play nice.]

I don’t know that yesterday’s 24-20 loss in Arizona was the worst regular season defeat of the past five years, but I’m certain that it was the most frustrating. No doubt there’s tons of stuff to talk about and a ton of people to point fingers at. Nate Allen and Cary Williams—awful. Nick Foles– played like a bitch. Throw another back-footed floater, bud [Editor's Note: 0 sacks but the guy was getting hit IMMEDIATELY every time he dropped back...Did he play a great game? No, but a bitch he is most certainly not]. And there’s the third and goal play from the one out of shotgun and how it made absolutely no sense. All of that was terrible, but none of it was as bad as Frank Kosman.

You’re there like, “Who the fuck is Frank Kosman,” right? Well, he’s the Eagles replay assistant hired prior to the start of the year. The guy who was supposed to help in situations that helped bury the Eagles yesterday. The same guy who must have spent the fourth quarter yesterday sniffing his asshole lint instead of doing his job.

Here’s Chip Kelly back in September: “I just want to get better in every aspect,” said Kelly. I analyzed everything after the season and how do we improve upon what we did the year before and I thought that was the right way to go.”

Sounds good, Chip. Totally agree—except then what the fuck happened yesterday?

Before the Eagles failed to get a yard on the opponent’s goal line late in the fourth quarter for the second time this season, Eagles running back Chris Polk plunged ahead and clearly brought the ball within an inch of the goal line. This play should have resulted in a first down, but the ball was marked short. Bad spot? No doubt. But I want to know where the fuck the guy was whose only job is to buzz down to Kelly and say, “Yo, man. Shitty spot. Throw the flag.”

After the game Kelly told reporters that his guys upstairs didn’t get a good look, but I don’t buy it. I don’t buy that coaches aren’t afforded every angle that some jerk off Monday morning quarterback in Philly (me) has at his disposal. We all watched that play and real time and knew the spot was fucked. Replay confirmed it. But instead of challenging it to get three additional plays of running it out of shotgun from the goal line, the Eagles had only one. They went on to blow it and are now at 5-2 and have to sit back while Dallas rolls the Redskins tonight.

By Rizzo posted October 27th, 2014 at 11:05 AM

Larry King Tweeted Out EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT His Old Man Mind Could Produce

Just because you could doesn't mean that you should.

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Look at me using this portable talking device!

#KingsThings? Jesus, Larry. Just because you could doesn’t mean that you should. If I wanted to hear an old coot ramble on about nothing I’d watch a Pres Conference. Like one of those mega-obese people who need a literal forklift to go outside, there’s somebody else enabling things here. But regardless, I think it’s time to consider putting Larry King in a home. Not because he’s going senile, but if he’s tweeting “I enjoy Lemon Mirange Pie”, “I’ve never had a backache” and “Does anyone still wear a pocket watch?” (A MOTHER FUCKING POCKET WATCH), there’s nothing much left in the tank for society.
 

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Miniskirts, firefighters and Honey Nut Cheerios. Every other thought is either wrong or useless. Killer send off from LA, too. King kept it fresh with his newest reference being over a decade old.
 


 
And I get it’s his thing, but if you wear suspenders while bumming around the house, you’re certifiably insane. It’s like willingly sleeping in jeans. I would rather wake up in prison than in a pair of Levi’s. Just for the record.
 

Just for the record…

A video posted by Larry King (@larrykingnow) on Oct 10, 2014 at 11:25pm PDT

By smitty posted October 27th, 2014 at 10:25 AM

Dad Rocks The Socks Off The Trombone While Son Kills It Playing The Oven

Kid can play in my band any day.

 

The oven is such an underrated instrument. Even better when it’s played on beat with a look at the end that screams Pizzazz. Kid can play in my band any day. Daddy should divorce Mama and take the act on the road. If she doesn’t have access to a major kitchen appliance she’s probably useless, anyways. On a sidenote: WHY ISN’T THIS THE FLYERS GOAL SONG??????? Absolutely perfect, G. Get on it.

REMIX. Not since R. Kelly have we heard a jam redone so pimp.
 

By smitty posted October 27th, 2014 at 9:30 AM
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