CONSPIRACY: All Of Nick Foles’ Autographed Merchandise Is On Sale On The Eagles Website

What do you do when it's February in miserable Philadelphia and there's nothing to talk about? Stir the muck.

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BGN – It turns out that the Philadelphia Eagles’ online store has a total of 341 items on sale. Of those 341 items, 64 are player-specific. Of those 64, 62 feature Nick Foles. Michael Vick and Matt Barkley make up the other two. Further, there are a total of 106 Foles items on the online store. More of those items are on sale (62) than not (44). Now does this actually mean anything? I don’t know. But it wouldn’t be the first time the Eagles online store gave a hint about the team’s moves. Back in the summer of 2011 the team store accidentally featured a Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie jersey before the Eagles had officially acquired him from the Arizona Cardinals. Brian Solomon of McNabbOrKolb caught the mistake and the Eagles took it down shortly after every noticed.

STOP THE PRESSES!!! THE EAGLES ARE CUTTING THE FOOTLONG LOOSE!!! What do you do when it’s February in miserable Philadelphia and there’s nothing to talk about? Stir the muck. Listen, BGN does great, great stuff, but this is a little absurd. You want to know why Nick Foles autographed merchandise was slashed? Because nobody’s been buying Nick Foles’ autograph. Simple supply and demand. All these Mariotta teabaggers need to relax. He ain’t coming to Philly. Not because I wouldn’t want him to, it’s just not a reality. We need to start being real and get behind our boy 100% so he has enough confidence to whip out that BWC and deliver another 27 and 2 campaign.

Now watch the Eagles one up me and make a trade with Tenn tomorrow for that #2 pick.

By smitty posted February 26th, 2015 at 4:15 PM

Another Day, Another Tinder Match Laying It All Out On The Line

Her father must be so proud of her passion for the Civil War and tossing salads.

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Fuck Robert E. Lee and hardcore anal fisting? We’ve got one feisty abolitionist on our hands! Not since Harriet Tubman requested Frederick Douglas for the Alabama Hot Pocket have we seen these worlds collide so hard. Her father must be so proud of her passion for the Civil War and tossing salads.

We’ve been getting a lot of these recently. Fake and absurd, yes, but enjoyable nonetheless. Carry on.
 
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By smitty posted February 26th, 2015 at 3:20 PM

Josh Hamilton Relapses On Booze And Coke, May Be Gone From Baseball For A Very Long Time

Dude was always one Mike’s Hard Lemonade away from having an orgy in a bar bathroom with 5 chicks, 2 dudes and a goat then waking up in Mexico.

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YAHOO - Josh Hamilton won’t be playing baseball for a while, and this time it’s more serious than an injury or hitting slump. Hamilton, who battled alcohol and drug addiction before turning his life around and re-entering the sport years ago, confessed to MLB officials to going on a binge a couple months ago that involved cocaine, according to CBSSports.com. Hamilton’s father-in-law, Michael Chadwick, who has previously counseled Hamilton over his substance issues, said the 33-year-old “hit a bump in the road, keep him in your prayers,” according to Newsday.

Boy do I hate being right all the time*. It’s a damn, damn shame, too. There’s no doubt that he’s one of the most talented and gifted ball players of all-time. Hamilton has got all the tools to be a first ballot Hall of Famer. But let’s face it, the dude was always one Mike’s Hard Lemonade away from having an orgy in a bar bathroom with 5 chicks, 2 dudes and a goat then waking up in Mexico. I’m not using that to beat him down or chastise anyone struggling with addiction, but when you make an investment of over $100 million dollars into something, you better make sure it’s worth the money. The Angels took the risk and unfortunately it backfired. Here’s hoping he gets the help he needs and is well soon.

*Literally the only time I’ve been right about anything in close to a decade, and even now it’s at the expense of someone else. Fuck.

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By smitty posted February 26th, 2015 at 2:25 PM

Condom Stocks Soar In South Korea After They Say Adultery Is No Longer A Crime

Keep fighting the good fight, South Korea.

SEOUL, South KoreaA South Korean court on Thursday abolished a 62-year-old law that criminalized extramarital affairs, and the stock price of a prominent condom maker immediately shot up 15 percent. The Constitutional Court’s ruling that the law suppressed personal freedoms could affect many of the more than 5,400 people who have been charged with adultery since 2008, when the court earlier upheld the legislation, according to court law. Any current charges against those people could be thrown out and those who have received guilty verdicts will be eligible for retrials, according to a court official who declined to be named, citing office rules.

Under the law, having sex with a married person who is not your spouse was punishable by up to two years in prison. Nearly 53,000 South Koreans have been indicted on adultery charges since 1985, but prison terms have been rare.

Well now I understand why Kimmy Jong was always calling North Korea “Best Korea”. I had no idea that South Korea has had a 62-year-old law that made cheating on your wife illegal. Maybe I should really start to brush up on my knowledge of South Korean law a bit here. Now I’m not gonna get up here and condone cheating on your girl (mostly because it’s hard enough to find one girl who likes me), but the fact that 53,000 people have been legitimately charged with adultery and had to serve actual jail time is pretty bonkers, no? Cheating on your wife should be punishable by divorce and her hacking into your Instagram account and putting you on full-blast. Nothing more, nothing less.

With all that being said, I’m very proud of the people of South Korea today. This was a huuuuuge step for them making me actually care about them. Abolishing that oppressive law was one thing, and then seeing how well the condom market responded was just the icing on the cake. The South Koreans are ready to fuck some strange. They’re ready to go to town on some random poon that isn’t theirs. They’ve been waiting for this day for 62 long years, and now it is finally here. The next 72-hours in South Korea is just going to be Fuck City, USA, South Korea. It’s going to be similar to what 4/20 is for people smoking pot in Colorado, just with everyone banging chicks that aren’t their wives. And this is a two-way street so I’m sure all the married women in South Korea will take full advantage of this themselves. I don’t know. I’m just really happy for everyone over there. They’ve really earned it.

By jordie posted February 26th, 2015 at 1:30 PM

I Took The Wonderlic Drunk To Try And Beat Vince Young’s Score

I don't care what the final scoreboard says on that test, I think intelligence was lost after this one.


 

6 was the score to beat and, honestly, a blind and autistic gerbil should be able to beat that mark. RIP to the precious laptop. That thing had more heart than Al Bundy’s dodge and kept getting the job done well after it was legally declared dead. But I don’t care what the final scoreboard says on that test, I think intelligence was lost after this one. Special thanks to @BarstoolFranco for putting up with and editing my drunk ass for 2 hours (Obviously we should have had a second camera on the test so everyone could see the questions. IQ > common sense). Also, I desperately need to lose some weight if anyone in the Philly area knows any personal trainers who want to whip my fat face into shape. I vow to stop sweating while I eat by Memorial Day.

Chalk up that score with my standing brad jump world record and you’ve got yourself a combine king. Mike Mamula, eat your heart out, but try and keep your pants on.
 

By smitty posted February 26th, 2015 at 12:55 PM

Eagles To Cut Longtime Veteran Guard Todd Herremans

Godspeed to The Toddfather.

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PFT – Longtime Eagles guard Todd Herremans is on the way out. Herremans will be released by the Eagles today, Adam Caplan of ESPN reports. The 32-year-old Herremans was a fourth-round draft pick of the Eagles in 2005 and has been a starter when healthy for all 10 of his seasons in Philadelphia. Last year he started the first eight games of the season before being placed on injured reserve with a biceps injury.

 

I mean, from a football standpoint, this isn’t a big deal. Herremans is 32, expensive and roughed up. They got by OK without him for most of last year and will find some fresh meat to insert at guard this season. But from an Eagles fan’s perspective it’s just sad. The dude’s been a staple on the OL forever. Not to mention he’s an overall great guy to have as a teammate and to represent the city of Philadelphia. Alas, dust in the wind.

Godspeed to The Toddfather. He shouldn’t be off the market for long.

By smitty posted February 26th, 2015 at 11:40 AM

The Great Pat Burrell To Be Inducted Into The Phillies Wall Of Fame

Schmidt, Carlton, Ashburn...THE BAT. Plus a walk down Pat Burrell memory lane.

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PHILADELPHIA (WPVI) — Former Major League Baseball outfielder Pat Burrell will be inducted into the Philadelphia Phillies Wall of Fame this summer, the team announced Thursday. Burrell, who hit .257 in 1,306 games, was a member of the Phillies from 2000 to 2008.
 

Schmidt, Carlton, Ashburn…THE BAT. Well deserved, Patrick. At first glance this might have been a reach by the Phillies. Burrell was one of the most naturally talented players ever to come out of college and was very “meh” for most of his career. To throw him up there with legends on the diamond is just to account for his legendary status off the field. But then again he did play almost every day for 9 years and his power numbers speak for themselves (consistent 25+ HR and around 90+ RBI guy). Plus he was one of the few players who really defined that rebuilding —> WS era. Give the man his plaque, and your woman. He’ll just end up with both somehow, anyway.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane of The Babe, including the best Pat The Bat “Myths And/Or Legends” ever told:

2 rings, 1 hit (Really remarkable if you think about that – 9 games, 27 AB, 16 K’s…2 championships. LONG LIVE THE BAT):
 

 
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By smitty posted February 26th, 2015 at 11:10 AM

Mother Of The Year Gets Arrested For A DUI With Her Kid In The Car En Route To An Orgy

Example #4638220 why population control needs to be a thing.

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WASHINGTON, Pa.A Pennsylvania woman is facing numerous charges after she busted for driving drunk to an orgy with her young son in the car and getting into a fight at the group sex party. Washington police officers were called at about 1 a.m. Tuesday morning to reports of a fight at an apartment.

Responding officers arrested 34-year-old Heather Young who appeared to be drunk and shouting in the hallway, according to a report by The Observer-Reporter. A man at the residence told police Young had driven there to have sex with three other people. Police say an argument broke out when another woman got angry that Young was undressing in front of her young son.

So we’re all on board with population control after reading that, right? Okay, good. Glad we’re all on the same page here. Let’s be real for a second though. Driving drunk with your kid in the car is never excusable. Driving drunk in general is never excusable, but especially so with a kid in the car. That’s a given strike one. But while the other two offenses aren’t necessarily anything you’d learn in Parenting 101 – bringing your kid to an orgy and getting in a fight in front of your kid at said orgy – on their own I think there’s at least some chance for redemption. That’s just something that comes with the white trash lifestyle. Every now and then you’re gonna be in a real bind, can’t find a sitter in time but still desperately need to get to that gang fuck. So when desperate times call for desperate measures, it looks like little Johnny has to tag along while his mommy gets plowed out right in her Satan’s Fuck Meat. I get it. I really do. But when you lump all 3 offenses here together, I think you have to seriously consider sending this bitch up with that Mars One project to die. From the looks of her mug, I don’t think anyone would really miss her anyway.

P.S.- Hilarious she got pissed off at the dude for getting undressed in front of her kid who she willingly brought to an orgy. You just can’t make that shit up.

By jordie posted February 26th, 2015 at 10:40 AM
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