Here’s All The Scenarios The Eagles Have To Make The NFC Playoffs

We're fucked.

(Click to Enlarge)

First things first, the Eagles need to win out. They lose at Wash or in the Meadowlands then they’re done no matter what. And even if they win both games then they’ll still probably be the third team since the schedule expanded to 16 games to go 11-5 and miss the playoffs. How cute.

That chart above is for the NFC East. Nothing we didn’t know going into the Dallas game. Sure, if we would’ve won last night then this is all fucking moot, but we didn’t. So that’s that. Best bet for a Cowboys L is obviously against a decent Colts team. However, Indy already has their Division locked up with no chance for a Bye. I PRAY they come to play. If not, Dallas probably rolls and then has an urinal cake of a game vs. a deceased Washington team to close out the NFC East.

For a Wildcard spot there are three teams a game ahead of the Eagles: Seattle, Green Bay and Detroit. The only way we can leap frog over any of them, because of our shitty tiebreakers, is if any one of them lose out and we win the final two games. Let’s break it down.

Seattle: Ari, @STL. Two tough teams, but the way Seattle is playing there’s a better shot of Blake Lively appearing at my doorstep for a Balcuzzi Bonanza than the Seahawks dropping two in a row. They might roll all the way to another title.

Green Bay: @TB, Det. SNEAKY game vs. Tampa Bay for the Packers who are a much different team on the road than at home. Yeah, they should win, but nobody really expected them to lose at Buffalo or almost fall at Minnesota a couple weeks back, too. Never know…wait, yeah I do. They’ll win be 40.

Detroit: @Chi, @GB. CHICAGO GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND CHANNEL HURRICANE DITKA OR SOME SHIT. Seriously. For as bad as the bears look they still have the talent to pull one out. PLEASE. This would’ve been a lot easier Blair Walsh booted that 65-yarder in a dome for Minnesota. If that were against the Eagles that fucker would’ve been good from 80.

All and all it’s a 35% chance at this point. Down. Very down. Like almost in the fetal position, “leakin” and ready for the simultaneous curbstomp/WorldStar shoutout. But not out.

LET’S GO COLTS AND BEARS. Seriously boys…little help? I’ll provide all the Rogaine and cigs you can eat.



By smitty posted December 15th, 2014 at 11:40 AM

Guilty Dog Gets Into The Christmas Stash And Pleads Innocent By Reason Of Cuteness

If only Bradley Fletcher were that cute then I wouldn't be fuming from my soul this morning.

We the jury find the defendant not guilty on all charges. I mean, look at him. How can you be angry at that? Yellow labs giving the Guilty Squints is possibly the cutest thing in the world. The epitome of sorry. They could still have blood dripping down their chin from drinking out of Mother’s jugular and those squints would still melt my heart. If only Bradley Fletcher were that cute then I wouldn’t be fuming from my soul this morning. Maybe after eating his own shit on the field he should go this route, crawl up in a ball and weep. Couldn’t hurt.

Squint away, Denver. Squint away.


By smitty posted December 15th, 2014 at 10:40 AM

11-Year-Old Girl Steals $10,000 From Grandmother, Takes $2,500 Cab Ride From Arkansas To Florida, Is Awful Little Girl

Granny is obviously still terrified from the Great Depression keeping that money in her sock drawer.


(KARK)A family is pushing for law changes to force taxi drivers to check identification of young passengers traveling alone…This after an 11-year-old girl decided to cab it to Florida from central Arkansas. The family woke up December 5 to find the young girl gone. They initially thought someone had kidnapped her. There was a note, in which Alexis said she decided to run away. Instead, police say, Alexis took $10,000 in cash from her grandmother’s sock drawer, then snuck out in the middle of the night and walked to a gas station. From there, she hitched a ride with a stranger to Little Rock. Once in the city, she called for a taxi…The driver said the ride would cost about $2,500. Alexis gave him about $1,300 upfront, and promised the rest when they got to Florida. She says she wanted to go to Florida to see a boy she had met two years ago, and had kept in touch with.

Okay so there are at least 37 reasons why this little girl should be grounded for the rest of her life. But if I’m her parent, I’m way less concerned about her running away and way more furious about her taking a $2,500 cab ride to Florida. This girl has absolutely no idea what the hell money is. She has no idea that it’s a real thing that people actually have to work for. Like here’s her sweet old grandmother, probably still terrified from the Great Depression which is why she keeps $10,000 in her sock drawer, and within the blink of an eye her little snot-nosed granddaughter takes everything she’s ever had. And for what? To take a $2,500 cab right from Arkansas to Florida? What a little idiot. What a complete bozo. I don’t like to make fun of little kids since they’re stupid and everything, but gee whiz this little girl is about as clueless as they come. I just booked 1 coach seat on Amtrak from Little Rock to Jacksonville for $531. Some quick math here; that’s almost a whole $2,000 less than that cab ride. So now I’m getting to Jacksonville, probably quicker, and with an extra $2,000 in my pocket. That’s how you runaway from home. And do I feel better about myself on a Monday morning that I’m a million times smarter than an 11-year-old girl from Arkansas? Yeah, a little. But the moral of the story here is that these parents are raising yet another American girl who thinks that they can just spend spend spend until the cows come home. And I simply won’t stand for it anymore.

By jordie posted December 15th, 2014 at 10:10 AM

That Eagles Loss Stings Philadelphia And Its Fanbase More Than Anyone Can Possibly Realize

I'm legitimately upset that I woke up.

Listen, I’m a simple man. I drive a 2003 Saab. I yearn for the day when I can upgrade my canned tuna from water to olive oil. Mesh shorts and intramural t-shirts comprise 95% of my wardrobe and I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable. The only two things I ask for in life are A) Give a courtesy wave if I’m letting you into traffic (WE’RE LIVING IN A SOCIETY), and 2) The Eagles don’t fall behind 21-0 at home to Dallas on national TV when the season is on the line. That’s all.

This hurts more than people realize. Think about it from a Philly fan’s perspective. The Phillies are pure dogshit. The Flyers are going nowhere. Lindsay Lohan has more balls in her mouth at any given time than the Sixers will have wins this year. The Eagles were this city’s one and only hope. They started 9-3 with only one bad loss at arguably the toughest place to play in pro sports. 9-3. And now they need to run the table and get a lot of help to make the dance. Before Seattle we were talking about a first round bye and now there’s only a 35% chance for the Eagles to continue their season. Unreal. I’m legitimately disappointed I woke up.

The Philadelphia Eagles are officially pretenders, and it sucks. I’ve been a staunch defender of this team having the potential to make a solid run in the playoffs all season long. I pointed to how the losses @SF and @Ari easily could’ve, and should’ve, been W’s. I said Mark Sanchez could step in and lead this team to a Division title with ease. I applauded them for being a disciplined and well rounded team while ignoring the undeniable fact they lead the league in fucking turnovers. Yes, the Eagles could be 11-3 right now, but they very easily could be 7-7. This entire season has been a cocktease and a half.

We’ll have more analysis with the good/bad/ugly blog later, but the indisputable point remains: They’ve had 2 opportunities in a row to show the league they’re for real, and they’re not. Plain and simple. The one thing we can hold our hats on is this team plays with tenacity every single play. Can’t hate the heart, then again, Rudy had a lot of pride, too. Doesn’t exactly do dick if you don’t have much to back it up.

Depressed rant over.

Wait, here’s my exact thoughts on Bradley Fletcher, who I think just got burned for another TD before this blog was posted:

By smitty posted December 15th, 2014 at 9:35 AM


If you want me I'll be drinking in my shanty. Alone.


Horseshit. Horseshit on all accounts. Digging a 21-0 grave which included going to la la land on thhe opening kickoff (wtf was that????) is super horseshit. You could make excuses left and right but the bottom line is it’s Dallas at home for the season. The Eagles needed to win this game. This fucking sucks. The season isn’t over by any means but the Eagles no longer control their own destiny for a playoff spot.

If you want me I’ll be drinking in my shanty. Alone.

By smitty posted December 14th, 2014 at 11:39 PM

Live Blog For The Division #FUCKDALLAS

Go The Distance.

No bullshit. No excuses. No pain. Time to Go The Distance. This one’s for it all.

E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By smitty posted December 14th, 2014 at 8:00 PM

Tonight Is The Most Important Eagles Game In Five Years

Do or die time baby.

It’s almost impossible to watch the NFL without getting sucked in by hyperbole, or without making hasty conclusions on a week to week basis. We watch, we observe, we overreact. It’s fan nature.

Let’s take a look at the seasons of two teams that handed the Eagles their last two losses to illustrate this point.

Week 1: Seahawks 36, Packers 16

“Is this Seattle team EVEN MORE DOMINATE?” or “The Packers are A MESS”

Week 7:
Packers 38, Panthers 17
Rams 28, Seahawks 26

“Forget the Super Bowl—this Seahawks team WILL MISS THE PLAYOFFS.” or “Are Rodgers and the Packers UNSTOPPABLE?”

Teams go through highs and lows. Maybe it’s focus, maybe it’s injuries, maybe it’s motivation. Things happen every week in the NFL that do not necessarily serve as evidence to support sweeping generalizations and emphatic conclusions. Most of it’s just talk to bridge the gaps between games, so I realize what I’m about to write might sound like standard hype and exaggeration, but it’s not.

Tonight marks the most important game the Eagles have played in five years. This game isn’t just about deciding the likely winner of the 2014 NFC East title—the psychological stability of the city’s fan base rests in the balance–and it’s one that could have franchise altering consequences.

The last time the Eagles played a game of this significance came during the 2009 Wild Card Round–you know, the one where our fucking former franchise quarterback came out of the tunnel playing air guitar before getting pasted in a 34-14 loss to Dallas?

That game was the final nail in McNabb’s coffin and changed the franchise’s course of direction. Tonight’s game could have the same potential impact.

You know the one thing that would be worse than losing to the Cowboys on Thanksgiving? Because I do. It’s blasting them 33-10 to grab the NFC East by the balls, only to be humbled by Seattle the following week and then having that same shitty Dallas team come into your stadium 11 days after the first meeting and effectively end your season. As if losing the division title to Dallas and listening to their scumbag fans crow wouldn’t be bad enough, imagine watching Tony Romo December redemption stories 24/7 on ESPN for the next three weeks. Merry Christmas. But that’s not even the worst part of this scenario. If the Eagles were to lose tonight, there’s the whole “Maybe this team isn’t heading in the right direction. Maybe Chip Kelly isn’t a genius. And, shit, we don’t have a quarterback, do we?” thing kind of looming in the background, too.

“The defense is better. Chip Kelly is establishing his culture. They’re moving in the right direction. They’ll get a playoff win. Then in year three—look out.” This seems to be the current mantra amongst Eagles fans. And all of this may be true, but what happens if the Eagles lose tonight?

Say they finish with 10 or 11 wins, miss the playoffs to a team many considered to be an afterthought entering the season. The Eagles will have lost games to Arizona, San Francisco, Seattle, Green Bay, and Dallas—demonstrating a complete inability to rise to the moment or beat the conference’s best teams. That thought doesn’t exactly instill a great deal of confidence moving forward. Now, the Eagles enter year three of the Kelly era and have to answer the following: Does Kelly have the players trust? Can they build a secondary? Can they get younger on the offensive line? Do they have/can they find a quarterback that does more than just plays point guard in a fast break offense? Each are difficult questions, but they’re much easier to consider under the context of back to back division titles than they are off of a late season meltdown.

So when you hear about how “big” this game is tonight—it’s not exaggeration—it’s understatement. It’s fucking huge. Go Eagles.

By Rizzo posted December 14th, 2014 at 1:35 PM

Flyers Get First Ever Win Wearing Their Winter Classic Sweaters

I don't care who the competition was against. At this point in the season, I'll take any 2 game win streak I can get.


Flyers 5, Hurricanes 1

Okay so the Carolina Hurricanes are really bad at ice hockey. Like really really bad. And Anton Khudobin might be the worst goaltender the world has ever seen. But heading into today’s match-up, the Flyers were 0-4-1 wearing their Winter Classic thirds. If they managed to find a way to lose to Carolina today wearing those sweaters I’d have to personally walk into the Flyers locker room and take a blowtorch to those things. But the boys racked up 5 goals in the first two periods of play and coasted into a 5-1 win. Against absolute shit competition? Sure. But people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. A couple quick highlights here.

Scott Laughton Scores First Of A Million Career NHL Goals

Vine via that Twitter egg Travis Hughes since I couldn’t find a gif of it yet

Well it finally happened. Scott Laughton has been playing great hockey since getting called up from Adirondack, but he just couldn’t cash in. But today, he pinged one off the post and potted his first career NHL goal. Couldn’t be happier for the kid. He’s earned it stay up with the big boys and ended the game with 2 points. Laughton is going to be huuuuuge for this team moving forward.

Pork Chops Now Leads The NHL In Points

That goal was absurd. A++ puck movement. Suck it, Seguin ya little twerp. Jake Voracek had a goal and a helper in today’s game which puts him at 37 points on the season. Giroux also had 2 points which means that 93 and 28 are now the highest scoring duo in the league. This team may suck in reality, but those two are absolutely filthy. Cue “crosbysbrain” coming in extra butt hurt. (Seguin plays the Devils tonight so there’s a strong possibility Jake doesn’t hold onto the lead all by himself in a few hours).

The Wayne Train Is Coming To Town

gif via @myregularface

Wayne Simmonds has found himself on a nice little scoring streak. Great to see 17 figuring it out again after cooling down from his hot start earlier in the season. Wayne Train needed this two easy games to get that confidence going again. That was a BLAST.

Niklas Grossman Had 19:54 TOI

Don’t really have much to say about this. That just blows my mind. Kinda makes me sick to my stomach but also kind of warms my heart at the same time. Grossman might be worse than a traffic cone but he had himself a solid game all around today.

Now let’s cue the music and pray that Stamkos gets the common cold and can’t play on Tuesday.

By jordie posted December 13th, 2014 at 3:44 PM
© 2014 Barstool Sports | Disclaimer | Copyright | Privacy Policy | Media Kit