Get A Load Of How This Thing Cheers On Her Team

I'm going to need a young priest, and an old priest.

What a freaking lunatic. She’s either in need of an exorcism or she accidentally sat down hard on a cucumber. Possibly both. In the name of the Father, son and Holy Ghost somebody flick Holy Water on that thing before it lays eggs. Or switch her team to the Devils and set her up with David Puddy. She’d fit right in with Northern Jersey.

By smitty posted November 17th, 2014 at 1:25 PM

Johnny Depp Channeled All Of His Drunk And High Characters To Play An Award Show Presenter

Or it's simply Johnny Depp playing...Johnny Depp.

Or it’s simply Johnny Depp playing…Johnny Depp. Like I don’t think he had to venture that far to play the likes of George Jung, Hunter S. Thompson and Pirate Keith Richards. Great actor, but in every real interview he looks like he’s itching to drop some acid when you’re not looking.

If there’s any justice in this world Johnny Depp would solely get drunk playing Edward Fortyhands. The only way to make things even. I’ve played E40H on about 14 occasions in my life and have puked maybe 75 times. Averaging below the Mendoza line and I’m not proud of it at all. And I’m not talking amateur hour liver destruction with 40′s of Coors Light, I’m talking the way God and Tim Burton intended with straight up malt liquor. Colt 45 or Hurricane is all I’ve experienced plus White Ace in Europe which I’m legitimately shocked is legal under international law. My old roommate used to finish both hands in 2 minutes flat. The fact that he is employed let alone still breathing is beyond amazing.

edward

By smitty posted November 17th, 2014 at 12:00 PM

Rookie Josh Huff Had Another Terrible Game Then Proceeded To Throw The Coaching Staff Under The Bus

Real talk: Other than the KR for a TD in preseason, has Huff been shown on camera where he WASN'T fucking up?

huff

GREEN BAY, Wis. — Late in the first quarter of the Eagles’ 53-20 loss to the Packers, Huff was running unimpeded toward Hyde, who had yet to catch Donnie Jones’ punt. Once he was within a few years of the Packers’ second-year returner, Huff slammed on the brakes. Hyde caught the ball, Huff stutter-stepped by him and reached out with his right arm. But Hyde was gone. “I just did my job, did what the coaches told me to do,” Huff said. “If I would have stuck to what I know, I would have made that play. If I would have stuck to what I know, just played my game of football, I would have made that play. That’s all I can tell you without going into … without trying to get in trouble.”

I hate to single out a single player/play from that frozen abortion yesterday, but Josh Huff has brought this on himself. WTF was that? First off, there’s no way anyone told Josh Huff to NOT boomsauce the kick returner when he fails to call for a fair catch in traffic. That doesn’t happen. It’s a coach’s and gunner’s wet dream to cause a turnover on a perfectly timed trucking of a punt returner. Even if the coaches told him to slow up and break down to make the tackle, HE STILL NEEDS TO MAKE THE FUCKING TACKLE. Instead Huff gave us that Oley Bullshit and Hyde went untouched to paydirt.

Hey rook, shut your face. You messed up. Own it and move on. It also doesn’t help on a team where “Culture Wins Football”, Huff and Cary Williams are the only two fuck ups who have spoken out against how things are done. Unacceptable on all counts. Real talk: Other than the KR for a TD in preseason, has Huff been shown on camera where he WASN’T fucking up? Countless missed assignments. Poor blocking. Dropped passes. And lest we forget the fumble in the RZ that went on to be very costly in the one-score loss at Arizona.

I don’t care that he’s supposedly a good kid who went to Oregon. One more outburst like this and I’ll personally get it started. #CuttHuff

By smitty posted November 17th, 2014 at 11:05 AM

Man Goes Bowling With His Wife And Daughter, Promptly Gets His Ear Bitten Off

A cautionary tale.

bowling-alley-ear-bite

OWASSO, OklahomaAn Owasso man was arrested for maiming after an apparent brawl at a bowling alley. James Thomas Foster bit the ear off another man during a fight at the Coffee Creek bowling alley, according to court documents…The mother told police she accidentally knocked over a drink on the shared table between the lanes, and that sparked an argument. The group of girls left and came back a short time later with Foster, according to an affidavit of probable cause. After a shoving match, police say Foster bit the ear off the man who was bowling with his wife and daughter.

Well how about that for some nice family fun, huh? Hey kids, wanna go down to the bowling alley and see daddy get his ass kicked and lose his ear? Maybe after that we can all go out to get ice cream and watch mommy get robbed at gun-point. C’mon, it’ll be so much fun. There’s a reason why going bowling is the worst decision any human could ever possibly make. Maybe I’m a little biased here because I’m god awful at it, but when was the last time anyone went bowling and actually really enjoyed themselves? Had to have been never, right? You gotta wear weird shoes, you throw gutter ball after gutter ball unless you put up the bumpers (in which case you look like a real ass jockey), and you end up getting your ear bit off. Metaphorically most of the time, quite literally in this scenario. Moral of the story is that you should always do your best to stay away from the bowling alley because nothing good can ever come out of it.

And real quick lets just talk about what a freakbody James Thomas Foster must be. My man wasn’t even at the alley when the fight initially broke out. Mom spills drink, 7 girls lose their shit because I’m sure they’re all upstanding citizens, they go out of their way to track down James Foster, tell him they’ve got a shiny new ear for him to bite off and he fully obliges with no hesitation whatsoever. These are the types of people you run into at the bowling alley. If you’re a fan of having fun and a fan of having 2 functioning ears, just go out and do anything else besides go bowling. Simple as that. It’s 2014, I figured we’d all know better by now.

Obligatory since it’s been a hell of a few days for ears:

By jordie posted November 17th, 2014 at 10:15 AM

SNL Did A Family Sitcom Skit That Nailed Today’s PC Police Culture Right On The Head

In all honesty, Woody Harrelson makes a great Gay-5.

When art imitates life, or something like that. I’m not saying every show should go back to the Archie Bunker days where disliking minorities was not only acceptable, but encouraged on the little screen. Saying “The Coons are coming!” in a serious, comical manner wouldn’t fly so well today, as it shouldn’t. But mainstream TV has left its balls in the 90′s. You’re not going to please everyone but in the end it’s better than not pleasing anyone. And nobody is immune from scrutiny to pandering to the PC Police than network TV. SNL itself was under fire for not having a black female cast member then almost IMMEDIATELY hires the lovely lady who fits both quotas. Whatver. In all honesty, Woody Harrelson makes a great Gay-5.

Well done, SNL. Seems like the writing is getting more consistent every week. Wait, maybe not.

By smitty posted November 17th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

The Eagles Got Taken Behind The Woodshed And Eviscerated In Green Bay

Well, shit.

sanchez

Well, shit. There’s really nothing to be said. The Packers opened up a can of whoop ass on the Eagles and then some. This team got emasculated last year in Denver, too, and still recovered. I said millions of times I didn’t think they were winning this game. In fact, I thought they would get spanked. GB and Rodgers are simply playing at historic levels at home right now.

And people are gonna harp on the man, but Sanchez will be OK. Before the game got out of hand (which wasn’t his fault) he was one of the only one’s playing decent out there. I mean, Michael Vick circa Madden ’04 or God himself (same person) wouldn’t have had a chance under center tonight in Green Bay. Honestly, I’m more concerned about LeSean McCoy who continues to do less than dick out there. There’s no excuses at this point.

The biggest thing this game settles is it’s looking more likely they’re going to have to win the NFC East to make the playoffs. Bring it on.

By smitty posted November 16th, 2014 at 7:30 PM

Eagles Vs Packers “Place At The Table” Live Blog

Win this game and the Eagles are officially Super Bowl contenders.

Win this game and the Eagles are officially Super Bowl contenders. Lose and it’s 7-3 with 6 tough games left (well, 5 as they have the Titans next week). I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 8-2. Let’s get it.

E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!

By smitty posted November 16th, 2014 at 4:15 PM

Barstool Week 11 Fantasy Football Podcast Brought To You By Draftkings

Any last minute fantasy questions? Shoot them at us @SmittyBarstool and @Balesfootball

 
Like every week, I STRONGLY recommend listening to the Soundcloud than attempting to watch that video. Very choppy stuff. If you have any questions let us know and we’ll get back to you
 

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Brought to you by Draftkings – CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FREE $100,000 PLAYER APPRECIATION FREEROLL
 

Did we call it or did we call it? Sanchez to Matthews FTW and then some last week, baby. If you listened to us you would’ve known that. Matt Forte, eh, not so much. But it’s pretty self explanatory by this point. Myself and Fantasy Football guru and Draftkings Pro Johnathan Bales give you our thoughts, picks and sleepers for Week 7. IN JUSTIN HUNTER WE BUST.

Any last minute fantasy questions? Shoot them at us @SmittyBarstool or @BalesFootball. Also, Jonathan’s got a really good package filled with insight for you Fantasy Football players. Doesn’t matter if you have a season long league or play cash games weekly, he’ll give you everything you need to know. Definitely check out his 2014 Weekly In-Season Package here. ALSO: Bales is putting his money where his mouth is. If your Draftkings Sunday Million team ends up better than his highest score, screenshot it and Tweet it over to him. You’ll be rewarded with his Fantasy Football Packages for the rest of the season.

Smitty’s NFL Spanks (1-2 last week, 19-10 overall)

Sea +1

Car +1

Colts -3

By smitty posted November 15th, 2014 at 12:00 PM
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