When Commenting On Internet Porn Goes Bizarre

And just like that, another week of freaks has come and gone.

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It’s been a crazy week filled with llamas and dresses and other matters that aren’t quite as pressing, but still happened nonetheless. Through all of this, however, the internet porn commenters stayed on top of their game and didn’t miss a single beat. You almost have to commend that type of grind and dedication. So let’s get right to it and check out the best and most bizarre of what those freaks had to offer to us this week.

eat-her-kitty
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0 to 100 reallllll quick. Innocent enough, innocent enough, and then BAM. Hit her with the box munch.

fap-life
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That’s just the Fap Life. Sometimes a little inbreeding is gonna get thrown your way. But you gotta fap anyway because that’s just the life you lead. Don’t talk about it, be about it.

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By jordie posted February 27th, 2015 at 3:05 PM

Dude Cuts Off A Biker And Immediately Blows His Freaking Gasket

That's one hell of a Napoleon Complex on that little guy.


 
Christ, dude. Got any of those chill pills lying around in that mini van? And I HATE having to defend a biker. Especially one that GoPro’s specifically for this kind of shit and spouts out “Please step away from my property, sir”. Have a little backbone for once. Also, that’s one hell of a Napoleon Complex on that little guy. With the attitude and lack of height that man is a couple shades lighter away from being Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. Get you’re fucking shinebox, brah.

By smitty posted February 27th, 2015 at 2:25 PM

Did I Ever Tell You About The Time I Went On The Worst Interview In The History Of Mankind?

Pretty sure my dignity is still left somewhere in that office.

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KFC asked for the worst job interview stories for the latest KFC Premium Mailtime, and the Stoolies delivered. Fortunately/unfortunately, I knew my tale of misery would blow everyone out of the water. You should stop being a peasant and listen to it, and a bunch of other great premium material – HERE. But since it is a worthy story (and the fact I essentially blogged it all already writing the email to KFC – hey, I’m lazy), here it is for the masses.

I was fresh off my degenerate poker days that left my life in shambles and debt (click here to revisit that modern day Greek Tragedy). Keep in mind I was out of the “real world” for over two years and had no real resume or a good, recent video reel to my name – Before playing poker I was essentially Hank but with cognitive abilities. Little did I know I would be forced into the worst possible interview for a 25-year-old straight male in human history.

I answer an add off Craigslist (because who needs to shoot for those stars?) for a FT Video Editing position for $16 an hour. Upon arrival I’m immediately told it’s for Male Gay Porn. Shit, for $16 an hour at that time in my life I’d have borderline dabbled in the porn itself, let alone video edit it, so I told myself I could stomach anything. I sit down for an interview with boss #1 and it goes well. I bullshit through everything cause that’s what I do best. Interview with boss #2 is a 20 minute long basic Avid (video editing player) test. Done and done. It’s the third part of the process that obviously stands out.

I sit down with boss #1 where I am required to watch and critique 45 minutes of RAVAGING gay porn. I’m talking cocks of all shapes and sized, balls to the face, fists of fury. The works. 45 straight minutes of The World Cup of homosexuality with multiple Pele’s of anal going for gold. And I’m not homophobic whatsoever, but watching a bunch of bears go at it isn’t exactly my cup of tea. I had no other choice but to not only sack it up, but give my analysis to what I would do differently if I were editing the production. Like “I would’ve have went to a POV shot of the gentleman’s taint getting tickled before having a slow transition to the good sir taking Gary Coleman’s forearm to the face.” Those 45 minutes of my personal Cockwork Orange were among the longest of my life.

And that was that. After 45 minutes of making my parents proud, I received a handshake with a “we’ll be in touch shortly” and I was on my way. Whatever dignity I had left, which was minuscule at the time, was left in that office. The worst(?) part? They didn’t even bother reaching out to inform me I didn’t get the position. I had to email those fudgy bastards multiple times to make sure I wasn’t forgotten, which is awkward and degrading as fuck in general, let alone for a gay porn editor. Basically, I had to watch the And 1 Mix Tape of Anal without even getting a standard rejection email. That college diploma never looked so good.

TL;DR – I watched 45 minutes of men raping and pillaging each other’s assholes for a job I didn’t even get. What a grand existence I lead.

By smitty posted February 27th, 2015 at 1:20 PM

This Actual Footage Of Dez Bryant Assaulting Someone On Camera Hurts So, So Bad

Legit should have gotten 10-20 for ruining his life.

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Cute. I actually would have preferred if Dez Bryant physically dragged Bradley Fletcher like a cavewoman through a Wal-Mart parking lot before impregnating him. It would have been a lot better for everyone involved, including Fletcher. Dez legit should have gotten 10-20 for ruining his life after this game.
 
h/t @NFL Meme

By smitty posted February 27th, 2015 at 12:05 PM

For A Measly 25 Cents You Can Win $10K In Prizes Playing Draftkings NBA MEGA Quarter Arcade

Ever been flipped a quarter and told to call someone who cares? Draftkings is who cares.

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CLICK HERE TO ENTER

Ever been flipped a quarter and told to call someone who cares? Draftkings is who cares. Call them. Now. Seriously though, for 25 cents you can cash out some pretty good winnings and still have more to play with at the higher stakes. Time to hop on that gravy train baby.

Contest Details:
-$10,000 NBA MEGA Quarter Arcade
-Just $.25 to enter, $10,000 in prizes
-As part of their Micro Millions Series, DraftKings is giving away $2.4 Million in prizes across 6 different sports and 75 events, all of which are below a $20 entry fee. So you don’t need to have a bankroll to enter these contests and take a shot at the prize money
-Make a minimum deposit of $5 and you can draft 20 different teams for the NBA Quarter Arcade and a chance to win $10K
-Just draft 8 NBA players from tomorrow night’s games and stay under the $50K salary cap to win.

CLICK HERE TO ENTER

By smitty posted February 27th, 2015 at 11:40 AM

Blue Jackets’ Corey Tropp Scores One Of The More Impressive Non-Goals Of The Year

Once again the zebras come in and ruin everything.

The Columbus Blue Jackets lost to the Montreal Canadiens last night 5-2. But I think we can all agree that if the refs didn’t have such quick whistles on this disallowed goal by Corey Tropp, the game would have gone much much differently. The game was 3-1 Habs at the time and this non-goal was one of the slickest displays of determination I’ve seen in a while. If the refs quit making the game all about themselves, learned to swallow the whistle every now and then, then we’ve got ourselves a good hockey goal on our hands here. All of a sudden the ice is tilted in Columbus’ favor and the comeback is on. Instead, it gets waved off and the Canadiens end up taking a 4-1 lead. For shame. This goal deserves it’s spot in all the Top 10 highlights for the month but once again, the zebras proved to us that they are the worst human beings on planet Earth. Whatever. I’m still counting it as a goal in my book and storing this for personal use later.

By jordie posted February 27th, 2015 at 11:05 AM

Drunk Habs Fan Has Himself A Puke Party In The Stands

There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti!

There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti! At least he was awake so nobody had to roll him over on his side so he didn’t pull a Jimi Hendrix/Jane. Here’s hoping he made it all the way to the bathroom or swallowed it whole. Ew. Lucky for him the Canadians are decent this year. You don’t need to drown yourself in alcohol to puke whenever the Flyers play someone they’re supposed to beat. Seriously. It’s nauseating how they can pound Nashville and the Caps over the wknd then shit the ice vs the Hurricanes and Toronto. That’s Philly luck for ya.

By smitty posted February 27th, 2015 at 10:25 AM

Jimmy Kimmell Brilliantly Rips Into The Anti-Vaccination Crowd

"Parents in LA are more scared of Gluten than Smallpox." Fact.

A little late to the party, but still on point as ever. As I stated before, Can We Take Away The Rights To Vote/Breed/Live From Anyone Who Is Anti-Vaccination? Actually, I’m just going to blog that post again because it’s Friday morning and it’s still relevant as ever.

Of all the outright idiotic causes in the world to needlessly rebel against, this anti-vaccination movement may be the most batshit. Just plain stupid. And I’m not saying that because, you know, I have common fucking sense. EVERY SINGLE study/real life example has concluded vaccines contribute no harm whatsoever. But more importantly, even if they did harm kids in the very rare occasion (which they don’t), they would still save a shit load more lives than anything else. I don’t get it. I, for one, was thankful to grow up not having to worry if Polio was going to paralyze my dick off at any given moment. Shit, I even got vaccinated for the Chicken Pox. Remember Smallpox? The killer that lived on blankets that could wipe out entire civilizations? Of course you don’t. That’s because vaccines eradicated the disease from existence. Now it has a slight chance of coming back because there are assholes out there who think they’re cute defying mankind’s scientific progress. Just because Jenny McCarthy is a talking piece of tits that, unfortunately, has a child with Autism doesn’t make her an expert on hundreds of years of medicine. I’m not saying the Nazi’s had something going with Eugenics but maybe the idea should be brought back for these morons. Evolution can only take some people so far.

Don’t understand how stupid of an issue this really is? This one-minute video basically sums it up even for the greatest simpleton like myself:

By smitty posted February 27th, 2015 at 9:35 AM
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