Tour Dates

  • District N9NE
    Philadelphia, PA

    April 25th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Irving Plaza
    New York City, NY

    April 26th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Toad's Place
    New Haven, CT

    January 30th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Lupo's
    Providence, RI

    January 31st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Webster Theater
    Hartford, CT

    February 21st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Palladium
    Worcester, MA

    February 22nd, 2014 9:00 PM
  • Sherman Theater
    East Stroudsburg, PA

    March 1st, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Union Bar
    Iowa City, IA

    March 8th, 2014 6:00 PM
  • The Boulder Theater
    Boulder, CO

    March 15th, 2014 9:00 PM
  • The Fillmore
    Charlotte, NC

    April 4th, 2014 10:00 PM
  • House Of Blues
    Myrtle Beach, SC

    April 5th, 2014 9:00 PM

Around Barstool

Here Are The Best Tweets Sent To Phillies Ace Closer Jake Diekman After His Blown Save

The assholes who made this blog are the real fans. They're the asshole glue that holds our city together. Thank you, Asshole Glue Fans.

diekman

 

In reality most fans said some version of “one game doesn’t make a season” and “shake it off”, but those fans are boring. The assholes who made this blog are the real fans. They’re the asshole glue that holds our city together.

Thank you, Asshole Glue Fans. You’re all the best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

STEVE

So just remember, pitcher who just had a bad game, Steve the CONSERVATIVE Philly fan who also enjoys nascar, “book reading”, photography, hiking, music, supporting causes, and “other sports” is totally going to smack you or anyone associated with you. Keep your head on a swivel, Jake.

By maurice posted April 14th, 2014 at 11:24 PM

Barstool Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Caitlin

Introducing Caitlin from West Chester. Golden Rams making a comeback into the Smoke ranks to lead off the week. You manage to look that cute at an ATM machine you can manage to pull off looking good anywhere. Send in the Smokes. Email the Facebook links of nominations to Phillytips@barstoolsports.com Also, the Barstool Blackout tour [...]

Introducing Caitlin from West Chester. Golden Rams making a comeback into the Smoke ranks to lead off the week. You manage to look that cute at an ATM machine you can manage to pull off looking good anywhere.

Send in the Smokes. Email the Facebook links of nominations to Phillytips@barstoolsports.com

Also, the Barstool Blackout tour returns to Philly on April 25. Click here and get your tix now before it sells out. ALL SMOKESHOWS GET IN FOR FREE.

By smitty posted April 14th, 2014 at 5:30 PM

Flyers Social Media People Made It Easy To Identify Who Your Scumbag Friends Are On Facebook

Facebook is about as 2009 as it gets.

rangers

Facebook is about as 2009 as it gets. But I guess this is a simple way to snipe out those “friends” who you inevitably haven’t talked to in years (or ever) that like the New York Rangers. Really get back at them by unfriending them and continuing to ignore their presence in any sort of reality. Seriously. Don’t even know who two of those five people who have hopped on the douchewagon and am only “friends” with the two chicks because the random vacation cleavage shots are a welcomed hit every so often. Maybe next time the Flyers can step it up a notch and do the same thing with Penguins fans but add their addresses and SSN’s. Anyone who willingly defends the walking labia that is Sidney Crosby deserves to have heat dropped through their sunroofs and identity’s given to multiple Nigerian Princes.

Get those beards ready dance on Thursday. Sure we haven’t won in NYC since Jeff Carter was regularly trying to sleep with your girlfriend in 2011, but we’re due baby. We’re freaking due. #WhyNotUs?

flyers
By smitty posted April 14th, 2014 at 4:55 PM

Video: Drunk Guy Finally Gets His Moment Of Clarity

The lesson here: don’t make life any harder than it has to be. Other lesson: old Russian men get way drunker than you.

freedom

The lesson here: don’t make life any harder than it has to be.

Other lesson: old Russian men get way drunker than you.

By maurice posted April 14th, 2014 at 3:55 PM

There’s At Least A 93.9% Chance The Sixers Get Two Top -10 Picks

Our patience could soon be rewarded.
sixers lottery
standings

Most of us have been focused on the Sixers’ lottery with hopes of grabbing an Andrew Wiggins or a Jabari Parker (but mostly an Andrew Wiggins), but the story of the team’s other first round pick could very well end up being the most valuable. Philly earned the New Orleans Pelicans’ pick in last year’s draft day trade that sent Jrue Holiday to the Pelicans for Nerlens Noel and a top-5 protected pick. By the very confusing stipulations of the NBA Draft lottery it’s only possible for New Orleans to land picks numbers 1-3, and with the way the process is set up if they finished at nine they’d only have a .017 chance at the #1, a .020 chance at the #2, and a .024 chance at the #3, thus giving them a total of a 6.1% chance at 1-3.

draft lottery odds

If they don’t get one of those top three picks then the Sixers would automatically take over their pick.

Then with the number one and number nine pick we’d debut the–

PG - Michael Carter-Williams
SG - Andrew Wiggins
SF - Doug McDermott
PF - Thad Young
C - Nerlens Noel

– starting lineup.

Sam Hinkie nabbed consensus Rookie Of The Year (and first ROY to lead all rookies in points, rebounds, assists, & steals since Oscar Robertson) with pick #11.

Our patience could soon be rewarded.

By maurice posted April 14th, 2014 at 3:20 PM

Step It Up: Right Now Stoolies Are Currently Losing To A Bunch Of Nobodies

"Philly Patriots"? Fuck outta here.

tbt losing vote2

This one’s on you guys. We’ve done our part to tell you about The Basketball Tournament, the 32-team tourney in early June in Philly for $500,000. We’ve blogged this several times just to make sure you guys know that you’re in the running to win a bunch of cash and prizes and shit just for signing up and fanning the team that’s probably going to win this thing. This one is on you. We’re in the tourney and going for the money either way — we’re just looking to get you guys paid in this thing, too.

Help us help you and become a fan of our team so you can win a bunch of stuff.

Rosters lock May 1. Let us do our jobs of securing a winning squad and you do your job of squashing any other assholes who try to overpower Barstool Sports. Stoolies should walk away with this thing in a laugher. “Philly Patriots”? Fuck outta here.

VIVA.

Newest addition:

By maurice posted April 14th, 2014 at 3:00 PM

Underrated Movie Monday: Die Hard 3: With A Vengeance

Yippe ki-yay, motherfucker.

die hard with a vengeance

There are several movies I was convinced were well-received whose Rotten Tomatoes score I checked just to be sure — Children of Men, Clueless, Black Dynamite, etc — but none shocked me until I saw the critics’ scores for Die Hard: With A Vengeance.

die hard rt

Fifty-one percent?? For arguably the greatest Die Hard / Bruce Willis action movie of all-time? INSANITY.

die hard review

“…just the familiar escalation of car chases and big bangs?” Your mom’s just the familiar escalation of car chases and big bangs, bro. This is Die Hard: With A Vengeance we’re talking about. It wrote the BOOK on how to do R-rated multi-racial buddy action. Bruce Willis / Samuel L. Jackson versus Simon Gruber? A 51%? Not on my watch.

Here’s why the third Die Hard is supremely underrated:

10. What tha FUH!?

i hate niggers i hate everybody

I work for a website whose comment section is populated by keyboard tough guys and internet racists — gotta give the people what they want.

Specifically for me this early scene is forever the “WHAT DA FUH” scene, as one of the Gang Members 1-7–

gang members

–yelled “fuck” in a way that I’ve tried to copy for decades. What tha FUH!? The pitch and sincerity cannot be duplicated.

Funny thing is nowadays walking around Harlem with an “I Hate Niggers” sign would probably just get Bruce Willis Instagrammed by broke uptown hipsters and an evil eye from a group of fat Spanish chicks.

9. Simon Gruber

simon gruber

Evil German militia leader with a penchant for riddles and a plot to simultaneously avenge his brother and steal all of New York’s gold? That’s how action movies are supposed to be written, folks.

Oh, and in case you like me were never able to figure out the water jug riddle:

“Fill up the 3,pour into the 5. Fill up the 3 again and pour into the 5 until full leaving 1 in the 3, pour out all the 5.Pour the 1 from the 3 into the 5. fill up the 3 again and pour into the 5 giving you 4.”

[via]

8. This Shot Of Bloody Sam Jackson & Bloody Bruce Willis Running With A Twin Tower Backdrop

never-forget

Weird.

7. John McClane’s Ill Wheel Work

“Stop all that goddamned yellin I know what I’m doin’.” – JM

Somehow he’s a better driver than the driver from Drive. Doesn’t make sense, but dammit if it doesn’t make the movie that much better. “How are we gonna get that many blocks south in this traffic?” Through the park, dummy. Perfect combination of impossible 90′s action movie magic, Bruce Willis badassery, and Sam Jackson screams.

6.YOLO Guard Gets Sliced Like A Pig

YOLO-guard

Tried to upload a video of the whole scene but FOX seems pretty protective of their movies and took them down immediately. Gotta give this guard credit for going for broke. Loaded up all the shells and tore into that wall plaster like Rambo. Really a shame the bosses lady was creeping behind him with a fucking SICKLE ready to open all his jugular veins and stab him all about the stomach and back.

VIOLENCE!

5. “$140 Billion, ten times what’s in Kentucky. Fort Knox — HA — is for tourists!”

140 billion die hard

Basically robbing Ft. Knox is for pussies and Simon Gruber and his small militia are about to have enough money to buy countries / armies / their way onto a map. All while the NYPD are out looking for a giant fake bomb in a school.

city hawwwl

“It’s Christmas you could rob City Haawwwl!”

4. Oh Shit It’s Mixing

its-mixing

Oh shit.

3. The “When Johnny Comes Marching Home” Theme

Great movies need great and memorable movie soundtracks. The song most of us know as “The Ants Go Marching” is actually a Civil War song, and composer Michael Kamen earned his paycheck by bringing us this version. The soundtrack also features Fu-Schnickens so any argument against is invalid.

2. McBain McClane Does What He Does Best

It’s a fucking Die Hard movie. If in the end Bruce Willis isn’t covered in scars and blood and victorious then it’s an abject failure.

1. Sam Jackson As Zeus Carver

zeus carver

“Why you keep callin’ me Jesus I look Puerto Rican to you?”

He is without question the best part of this movie. Even better in Italian. The other Die Hards are great and everything, but this was the perfect Samuel L. Jackson role and the one that snowballed his career of loudness/cursing/being in every movie afterwards. Sure Pulp Fiction was a year ahead of this, but it took a major blockbuster like the Die Hard franchise to prove to producers that Sam could carry over that success.

His blatant racism, confusion, and furrrious anger are the perfect counter to McClane and take the movie from “decent 90′s action movie” to “Hall Of Fame on-screen buddy cop duo”.

There are so many excellent scenes in this movie from freaky German post-murder sex to absurd jumps onto ships from bridges to Zeus’ nephews being too stupid to evacuate a school when policemen tell them to. So much action and suspense and yelling and blood. Certified American action classic however you slice it. Yippe ki-yay, motherfucker.

yippy

UNDERRATED.

By maurice posted April 14th, 2014 at 2:15 PM

The Rocky Challenge: 5 Raw Eggs And Your Dignity

If he dies, he dies.

Screw Salmonella. If he dies, he dies. Actually was going to do a nice little run up the Art Museum steps to solidify greatness but was unaware this immediately makes your stomach do hula-hoops around your ass. Cramped up worse than Tony Romo when there’s no cranberry juice around. No way those bodega eggs were FDA approved. But hey, at least we got a good filling meal in. All about finding those silver linings.

PS – Salad is absolutely rebelling against the head. No idea how to control it. Pure anarchy.

By smitty posted April 14th, 2014 at 1:35 PM
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