This picture frightens my dick more than herpes armed with fire.

MSN – Putting the “I” in diva, Beyonce has hit headlines again thanks to her outrageously precious tour rider. According to a UK website, the saucy songstress will suck back her 69.8-degree alkaline water only through $900 titanium drinking straws. The entire crew working on the 31-year-old’s Mrs Carter World Show Tour must wear only 100 percent cotton clothing in her presence, she requests freshly painted white walls and will nibble only on hand-carved ice balls and the most wholesome snacks, mainly leafy greens and almonds and oatcakes served on glass. Curiously (and disturbingly), Beyonce also requires red toilet paper to attend to her trademark derriere.

Jay-Z officially has 100 problems. Is this common practice among A-list musicians and celebrities? Because I don’t care how rich, entitled, famous or special you think you are, the day that you request to drink out of $900 straws on a regular basis you deserve swift punch to the cunt to bring you back to reality. Cleopatra couldn’t have even gotten away with this shit. Don’t get me wrong, if I were this rich and famous I would request not only what I wanted but the weirdest and most wildest stuff possible just because I can.

Smitty’s Tour Checklist Requirements (any sort of attractive women to spank is already implied):

-Unlimited supply of Summer Ale
-Simpsons seasons 2-8 on repeat.
-10 pizza’s from solely Mac’s in Stone Harbor, NJ
-3 attractive Asian masseuses.
-30 pounds of jerky (15 lbs beef, 15 lbs deer)
-Signed Randall Cunningham Eagles helmet filled with Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.
-A BIDET. May be the only thing I would legitimately flip dick over if it wasn’t there.
-Peter Dinklage dressed as a cowboy.
-5 burgers from 500 Degrees cooked no greater than medium-rare or else somebody gets stabbed in the face.
-John Kruk’s long lost testicle.
-N64 on a mega screen with all of the implied games (Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Goldeneye, Mario Kart, etc…)
-A gun to shoot at Peter Dinklage’s feet to make him dance.
-A US war Veteran who saw front line action because there is nothing more interesting in the world than 1st person war stories.
-A replica of Jobu with rum and hats for bats to keep bats warm.
-Slippers, GREAT cigars and a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue.
-A helper monkey. Maybe 2.

But in all honesty, fuck Beyonce. What kind of lunatic needs red toilet paper? Totally bananas. Only guess it’ll hide the anger blood better when she shits out pure hatred on everyone after the bottled water eclipses 70 degrees. Would love for just before she arrived to a new venue to have Andre The Giant (RIP) go and upper decker her new toilet seat then suplex Blue Ivy down the shitter.