In my mind there hasn’t been this bad of a slaughter since Hotel Rwanda. Guy massacred me. Got straight up Crispus Attucks’d. Nothing can be done to fix it, either. And I’m not a hat guy. Can’t do it. This isn’t little league or the ’90′s where I Midas Whale put on a backwards Phils cap and call it a day. Would wear a fedora but I’m way too young to pull it off without feeling the urge to punch my doucheface in the dick.

I’m not a picky hair person by any means. As long as it’s not too short I’m cool with it. Fat face struggles hiding under shorter hair. Have the same guy 60+ year old dude every time who knows all I want is #4 clippers on the side and a little off the top. After 10 min of listening to him complain about Philly sports, the family and telling me to get as many “Birds” as possible before marriage, I pay and tip the man for his fine work and we’re out of there. Bada-Bing Bada-Boom. Couldn’t be more structured and American. But my man wasn’t there last night, so I had to settle for a squid who looked and acted exactly like Louis Tully. Horrific experience all around.

The Keymaster starts without even asking what I want and comes at me way too short on the sides so I end up looking like some dude who belongs in a ’90′s Mentos commercial. Only way to even it out on the top is to make me look like I’m 5 and my mother just combed my hair before school. I would’ve loved to say something but this was one of these guys who cuts your hair, for whatever reason, you can’t shoot the shit with. You’re a legitimate psychopath if you cut hair for a living and can’t carry on a general conversation for 10 minutes about sports, movies or women. If I would’ve corrected him it may have been straight edge to the jugular. And have you ever had a haircut where there’s nothing to talk about? Awkward as fuck. Dude brought up the weather 5 separate times. 5 FUCKING TIMES! Come on man. This isn’t Nam, this is barber shop etiquette. There are rules. Legitimately haven’t felt that bad for someone’s career since Manzo thought he was funny writing a blog about a rapper named “Florida” he obviously never heard of (read the comments to that one and realize Neil probably didn’t have it that bad).

So how bad is it?

Vote 1 for It’s Pretty Fucking Bad and 10 for Lock Yourself In A Room Heath Ledger Style For A Month:

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PS – How young is too young to get some Just For Men? Pops turned Roger Sterling white at 30 so it’s inevitable. And my ugly mug ain’t George Clooney’s so those gray hairs in the front aren’t making any panties wet.