SUNCabaret singer Pam Shaw said she has always been too busy working to find a man. Pam explained she does not believe in sex before marriage. And as she has stayed single there was no question of losing her virginity. “My standards are still very high, though. I’m hoping to bag a tall, dark and handsome millionaire.“I feel I am ready to give marriage a go and maybe go to bed with a man. You are never too old for anything. Just look at Joan Collins.”

Whoa there, toots. Still holding out for that tall, handsome millionaire, eh? Newsflash, honey: You look like Cyndia Lauper after a 50 year war with hepatitis. The only way you’re getting laid is if you head down to the nearest Greyhound bus station and force yourself on a hobo who has been getting sodomized by Jack Daniels and his friends for the last couple decades. Like what’s the point of getting it on at this stage in her life? Almost done anyways. Might be better at this point to return to God an unopened package and hope to be shipped out again. But regardless, good luck to whoever has to pop that rotten cherry. Thing has to be dried up like a raisin left out in the sun for almost a century. Better arm yourself with some serious KY and a gas mask to be able to go near that fish-stained cardboard.