NEW CASTLE – A 31-year-old New Castle man was arrested for his seventh felony DUI offense after he hit a guardrail to avoid hitting … an elephant, state police said today. Samuel Phipps was committed to Young Correctional Institution on charges of seventh offense DUI for driving a vehicle under the influence of a drug and failure to have the required insurance, Cpl. John Day said. Day said a trooper found Phipps to be impaired at the scene and when asked, he told the trooper that prior to driving he had smoked a joint that had been dipped in PCP. Phipps went on to tell the trooper that he had swerved to avoid hitting an elephant in the road that ran in front of his vehicle and crashed into the guardrail.

You know what, I’m not going to deny Samuel Phipps swerved out of the way of an elephant that fateful night. PCP perception is reality. Granted it was probably a possum and/or shopping cart on the side of the road, but who is to say it wasn’t a giant Pink Elephant stampeding directly towards the car with a Glock in his trunk screaming the first line of Let’s Get High as loud as it can? I’d swerve the fuck out of the way, too. But props to law enforcement for keeping Sammy Phipps out on the streets to so he could attain his 7th DUI. Some would say 1 is too many, but who are we to keep people from achieving their dreams.

Legitimate question: Has anyone, outside of an athlete/muscian/actor, had a full neck tattoo and made over $50,000 a year without doing anything illegal? 0% chance.