SWEEDEN – After punching out of the rough on the fourth hole of the Royal Canberra Golf Club in Tuesday’s competition, Daniela Holmqvist felt a sharp stab in her ankle. When she looked down, she saw a large, furry, black creature with a red spot on its back just above her sock line. After quickly swatting it away, she doubled over in pain. “When I told the local caddies in my group what had happened, they got very upset and said it was a Black Widow, and immediately started looking for their phones to call the medics,” Holmqvist told Karin Klarstrom of Svensk Golf. As Holmqvist’s leg started to swell and the pain became intense, she made the quick decision to take matters into her own hands (she’d just been informed that a Black Widow bite can kill a child in as little as 30 minutes). She pulled a tee out of her pocket (“it was the only thing I had handy,” she told Svensk Golf) and used it to cut open the wound so she could squeeze out the venom and keep it from spreading inside her body. “A clear fluid came out,” she said. “It wasn’t the prettiest thing I’ve ever done, but I had to get as much of it out of me as possible.” It appears the do-it-yourself surgery was effective. An official was called and after weighing her options, Holmqvist decided to play on, despite severe pain and some anxiety about her well-being. She finished the round without incident but shot 74, which left her out of the tournament.

Woof city, but dammit you have to respect this lesbian’s toughness. Anybody who takes a dull golf tee to their own flesh to squeeze out venom from a poisonous bite either has either balls of steel or a vagina whose period’s flow lava. The only downfall for Holmqvist now is she is totally undateable to the entire male population, if there is the off chance that is indeed which way she swings. No respectable guy is going to want to go out with someone who has been documented being 20x tougher than they will ever be. Nobody wants to be called a megapussy by their woman for going to the hospital to get stitches because she wants to close it herself with a hot iron and a bottle of whiskey. It’s a matter of respect.

Can’t imagine the Chewbacca-like scream she let out when she found out she missed the cut after all that. Mating call heard for miles.

PS – A man would’ve still made the cut.