KALAMAZOO – Lance Laponsie, 26, has been identified as the Kalamazoo man who was arrested Tuesday after drinking 20 beers, hitting eight cars and and defecating on one of the vehicles inside the downtown parking ramp for the Radisson Plaza Hotel & Suites.

Absolutely love this sailor’s style. What’s the point of having a nice, quiet DUI evening with a couple drinks, a single car crash and just shitting yourself? Go big or go home. No shame in going all out with 20 brews, driving like you’re Richard Petty riding punani, and marking your new territory in the process. Like has there been more of a move to establish dominance than taking a shit on a car you just fucked up? The man instantly became Lord of the lands. Might as well have popped open another victory beer and proclaimed Prima Noctra on the survivors. Only thing better would’ve been if Lance The Longshanks screamed something barbaric while shitting on the car to really solidify his authority over the little people. There seriously has never been a more perfect moment in history to yell out ‘Are You Not Entertained?!?!’ or ‘FREEDOOOMM!!!’ Would’ve been guaranteed hugs and handys from all his people the second the new King of Kalamazoo stepped off the roof.