GERMANYElephants in captivity are becoming too inbred, so a German researcher has amassed a sperm bank of wild elephant semen for zoos to draw on. There’s just one small problem – sperm is not a commodity bull elephants give up lightly. A simple five-minute procedure, known as electro-ejaculation is performed. The biggest challenge in this somewhat eye-watering procedure is the powerful anaesthetic in the dart. This happens to trigger a muscle contraction that causes the elephant’s 1.5 metre long penis to retract into its cavity. “The problem is, in order to extract the sperm hygienically, we have to get the tip out and clean it,” explains Hildebrandt. Once this is achieved and the sperm is safely collected, it is immediately frozen, and later thawed out and tested for various elephant diseases. This is all part of Project Frozen Dumbo. There’s only one snag – no elephant has yet been successfully inseminated with sperm that has previously been frozen.

Kind of feel bad for this guy. Man probably went through 8 years of college to be a veterinarian or animal scientist he gets stuck at the bottom of the ladder jerking off elephants. Equivalent to a temp job in the scientific community. They should just wait 6 months till Lindsay Lohan starts doing this straight to DVD and collect the samples then. Like does this dude go home to his wife and kids and talk about his day at the dinner table or tell people he just met what he actually does? No way in hell. He has to cover up his actual work like he’s an agent the CIA. There’s no coming back in someone else’s eyes once they find out you’re Dumbo’s Fluffer. Just not. I mean, I hate my job as a cubicle monkey as much as the next person, but at least I can relate with other people. Who can this guy confide in after a hard days work of holding a yard and a half of animal dick while taking heavy loads to the face? Only Kim Kardashian truly knows what he’s going through. And even Ray J and the others didn’t cover her like these bull elephants are doing to this poor guy. Just imagine the scene being similar to after the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man drowned Walter Peck in Ghostbusters.