ENGLANDMelvin Webb, 54, told Reading Crown Court he was not pleasuring himself in front of a female commuter, merely playing a pretend banjo. 54-year-old Mr Webb told officers he simply had a heavy cold, was pulling his underpants out of his groin because it was sore and was miming picking banjo cords on his knee. Mr Webb, who had a lower respiratory tract infection which he blamed for the heavy breathing, also submitted videos of him playing his banjo to the prosecution, which they accepted was genuine. The smartly-dressed woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, said: ‘I know what he was doing – he was masturbating. ‘I stopped at the time and asked myself “is he really doing that?” ‘I clarified it in my head and I looked back again and I was sure what he was doing. I’m sorry, but I know what a man looks like when he masturbates and he was pulling that face.’I thought “no way” and looked over at him and my eyes carried on up. He was facing me, breathing heavily and snarling.’

The day a man can’t play an invisible banjo down his pants on public transportation to an attractive stranger without being confused with masturbating is a dark day for society. There was an explanation for everything the woman saw. Hands down his pants? Wedgie. Heavy panting and snarling face? Respiratory tract infection. Jerking off motion? The Devil Went Down To Georgia. BOOM. Case closed. Let Melvin Webb strum his banjo in peace.

Plus, not really sure the woman was that upset over this. The kind of shit she has to be into for straight up saying in court ‘I know what a man looks like when he masturbates and he was pulling that face’ should make her the kind of woman who can tolerate some old dude getting his rocks off to her on a train. Love to see how many shots to the face she’s taken over her career.