PORTAGE – Timothy N. Thompson wasn’t about to let a little thing like the fact that he was running late stop him from actually getting to his wedding on time. Only problem is he didn’t expect the cops would frown on him driving 100 mph in order to make it to the ceremony. An officer in Portage, Ind., clocked Thompson speeding and when he tried to pull him over, he reportedly pulled into a parking, sped through it and did doughnuts, creating blankets of tire smoke. After he was finally pulled over, Thompson again sped off, telling the cop he thought he was done. Unsurprisingly, he missed his wedding, but did spend the night in a cozy jail cell.

Actually better to spend a night in jail than attend your life sentencing, but that’s neither here nor there. His broad has to be fuming fire from her vagina. There’s only one excuse for a man to miss his wedding in the eyes of the bride and that if he’s attending a funeral. His funeral. And even then it wouldn’t be that much of a surprise if she’s still standing beside the open casket going through the vows and drags his dead dick out for the first dance. It’s a damn shame though because that soul patch was going to look killer in the wedding photos. Pretty much the only thing he’s got going for him, too. Dude looks like he’s a Tolkein character that hasn’t hit puberty yet. May he fight with the strength of 10 grown men.