Smash. Smash. Suh-MASH! I don’t care if it made him a homeless vagrant, I need what Kai is smoking and I needed it yesterday.

This newscast has it all. Hitchhikers, hatchets, violence, fat chicks, racism, religious nutshits. Only things missing from it’s viral potential is a dog saving a puppy from drowning and a cute kitten on a boogie-board that’s riding a wave squirting out of Bar Refaeli’s vagina. You know a story is fucked up when an AX-WIELDING HITCHHIKER turns out to be the “good guy.” Hilarious from beginning to end. Plus there’s no way those behemoths “ran” to help. Waddled, maybe. Rolled? Most likely. But run? Not a chance in hell. Physically impossible.

This newscast went live on Feb. 1 and for some reason there isn’t an autotuned version 3 days later. Outright blasphemy. Expect one by lunch.

PS – The fact that this squirrel of a newscaster feels the need to wear 2 watches automatically anoints him Lord of the Douche.

[Editor's note: Phrases for today = "hella lotta bodies 'round here" & "pencil stick"]