What the FUCK? I know I curse a lot on this blog, but rarely is it as necessary as it is now. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Why are you not pregnant, Beyonce? Wha…what is this?

If you didn’t wanna have a kid and wanted some other bitch to carry it for you, you couldda just said that. No need to fake it. I know your fans are all women and gay men who treat giving birth like some sort of super-unique achievement, but this was your chance to fix this problem with American culture. Too many ambition-less chicks in this country wanna get preggo just for the attention — now you come around to cosign their dumb shit with a FAKE PREGNANT STOMACH? Way to set an example. If Jay is shooting blanks or your coochie is all dried up you could’ve just adopted like everybody else in Hollywood. It’s not that difficult.

I remember hearing rumors a while ago that Beyonce was just as airheaded as Jessica Simpson but that her handlers were better at shielding her and keeping her from sounding stupid in interviews. Today is the day I officially believe it. Chick is dumb as rocks. Either she’s dumb for coming up with this faux-baby scheme in the first place, or dumb for allowing Jay-Z and her publicist to talk you into fake pregnancy for 9 months.

Now all we gotta do is sit back and wait for the Lil Wayne “Beyonce Aint Pregnant/Jay-Z’s Gay” diss record.