TEXAS – A golfer may lose his right leg after he was stabbed in the groin with the shaft of a broken golf club. Victim Clay Carpenter, from Texas, suffered a punctured femoral artery, resulting in serious blood loss. He was hospitalised for nine days. Mr Carpenter was part of a threesome who asked to play through the foursome ahead of them because of their pace of play. Claiming a club employee told them to play through, the victim alleges he was confronted by one of the men in the group in front of them. A verbal row turned physical, resulting in a fight between Mr Carpenter and a member of the foursome. As the two scuffled on the ground, Mr Carpenter said, another man in the foursome then used a broken golf club as a weapon to stab the victim twice with the shaft.

There are 2 outrageously infuriating aspects of trying to relax while golfing. The first is having to put up playing with women on the course. No offense to the ladies, but all women golfers somehow think they’re Annika Sörenstam and want to take the game dead seriously. They take forever, bitch about the heat, and the majority of their drives end up slicing into the woods anyway. For most, the only putting from the rough they end up doing is done in the clubhouse while listening to a mixtape of Mellissa Ehtridge’s queefs. Augusta is the last true paradise for men.

The second, and usually less offensive, is playing behind a group whose pace is drastically slower than yours. Can’t stand it, especially when the beer stock is dwindling. But there is a golfers etiquette one must abide by in situations like these. You ask the party ahead if you can play through and if accepted, all is well. If declined, obviously a dickish move by the hardo assholes, but this is not ‘Nam, this is golfing. There are rules. You have to suck your shit up and accept it. Clay Carpenter and his threesome decided to challenge the status quo and I’m not saying this guy deserved to be stabbed in the nuts after trying to play through without permission…but I’m pretty sure this guy deserved to be stabbed in the nuts after trying to play through without permission. The foursome was right to defend their territory with their rich, white men golf club-shanks that the homeless and prison inmates can only one day dream about obtaining.

But hey at least Clay Carpenter learned his lesson and his dick, on its death bed, will receive total consciousnesses. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.